I’ve seen all these lovely headcanons about the people who produce costumes for superheroes and supervillains, but I’m always thinking: what about minions?
I mean, most villains have a theme, and custom tailoring is well and good for the boss, but what about the flunkies? When Captain Killblood needs a dozen pirate outfits for her “crew” on short notice, it’s probably not in the budget for all of them to be bespoke – and since nobody’s catching supervillains by tracing their credit card receipts, clearly she’s not sourcing them via regular channels.
I can’t help but picture our hypothetical supervillain walking out of the magic tailor shop and promptly heading down the block to Uncle Zargon’s Costume Emporium – all sizes and major body plans in stock, discretion guaranteed.
I always kinda figured that the minions were down with the theme and cobble together their own costumes…and now I’m picturing a minion-for-hire who has a couple dozen minion costumes stuffed into the back of their closet. Sometimes they get the accessories mixed up, so embarrassing.
And now I’m picturing this really dedicated minion and her closet full of DIY costumes henching for a whole series of one-shot theme villains – you know, the kind who get made out to be some kind of Big Deal for an issue or three, then never appear again – and eventually becoming much better known to the superhero community than any of the baddies she’s thrown in with.
(The more civic-minded heroes keep trying to give her mid-combat life counseling, like “you know, you don’t have to risk your neck just to dress up – you could get into cosplay”, and she’s all “oh, but I love the excitement!” as she unleashes the robot killer bees.)
Well, when you think about it, how many people can there be in any given city who are willing to sign on as minions to a super-criminal?
You could look at crime statistics to see how many potential criminals you’ve got to draw from. You’d have to count out all the crimes of passion and opportunity, because joining up with a supervillain, procuring a costume (and training if you’re lucky) and participating in fiendish schemes requires a fair amount of pre-meditation. Likewise, you’d remove family-related crimes from the pool, save for a statistically insignificant number of people with superheroes for relatives.
Considering that the vast majority of crimes tend to fall within those categories, you’re left with a fairly small pool to recruit minions from, easily less than a hundred depending on the city. If you’ve got more than one or two supervillains looking to put together a team, pickings are going to be pretty slim.
What I’m getting at here is this: What if minions working for more than one villain is the norm rather than the exception? Minions with closets full of different costumes for different gigs, taking freelance jobs for one-shot villains when they need some extra cash, sometimes becoming more recognizable to the heroes than the villains themselves. I mean, in this economy, who can get by with just one part time job?
I mean, imagine someone trying to put on a bee-themed costume made from roughly dyed clothes and spray painted football pads, while juggling their smartphone:
“Hey, Alex, you think you could cover for me tonight with The Conductor? She moved next week’s bank robbery up to tonight, but I’ve already got a gig scheduled with Insecticide, and – yeah, he’s calling himself Insecticide now – and I could be up for a promotion if I do well. Yeah, yeah, I know, shoulda blocked off the hours in my availability, but The Conductor and her Electric Death Orchestra normally only do one hit a month, so I thought it was safe. Listen, you’ve already got that suit from working with The Un-Gentlemen last Spring, so just throw on a cummerbund and you’re set. Thanks, yeah, I owe you one, and if anyone asks, you play Oboe.”
Play idea: perform MacBeth, but when the witches are doing their prophecy thing, they segue into telling the story of Hamlet. Hamlet is chatting with the ghost when it starts telling a Midsummer Night’s Dream. The audience becomes slowly aware that the programs and advertisements did not publish a runtime for the performance. Ushers start handing out new programs, with new actors’ names on them in previously unmentioned roles. Every single known Shakespeare play is nested inside the performance. The theatre doors are locked.
yes.
just fuckin crushed a skype interview someone tell me i’m pretty
we’re creating characters for a little oneshot, and our DM was giving us some guidelines.
DM: so you’re all kids between the ages of 13 to 15, and I’m sorry I gotta put in this stipulation, but at least one of you has to have at least one parent
FUCK THIS MOVIE. I HATE THIS MOVIE. There is so much whack shit in this film:
the five sisters are KEIRA KNIGHTLEY, amy dunne, johanna mason, carey mulligan of ‘drive’, doctor who episode ‘blink’ and being the future mom of a mumford’s son fame, and the main girl from st trinians???? WHAT KIND OF WHITE PEOPLE PERFECTION their dad is president snow and their mum was vera in noted television procedural vera???? OKAY
DARCY IS 6’2
MR BINGLEY WAS OCTAVIUS IN ROME AND ALSO HAS THE CHEEKBONES OF A TOLKIEN ELF
JUDI DENCH
this movie is just Joe Wright Period Period Piece but it is THE EPITOME OF THIS VERY SPECIFIC GENRE. HE’S NOT GONNA TOP THIS AND HE NEEDS TO STOP TRYING the panning shot of the peak district??? ‘Liz On Top Of The World’ plays in the bg it’s the ULTIMATE.
HOT LIZARD KING WICKHAM
and okay i love how this movie shows the bennets as an actual FAMILY
like they’re messy and tactile and they talk over one another it’s so genuine
AND I LOVE THEIR HOUSE WITH THE CREEPING VINES
and okay the COSTUMES IN THIS MOVIE OH MY GODDD
everyone’s white gowns in the netherfield ball scene? YOOOOOO
honestly the production value of this movie is nuts
it’s the AESTHETIC
alright so jane austen novels are awesome and they show a lot about society and relationships in the regency era
and the thing about 2005 pride and prejudice is that it doesn’t only show the verbal sparring/tension between lizzie and darcy
but the sexual tension as well
THE SEXUAL UNDERTONES OF THIS MOVIE
OH MY GOD
IT’S SO FUCKING MUCH
like every interaction is loaded with like sexy LOOKS and body language
and like they don’t even kiss but it’s so obvious they wanna bang
THEY WANT TO BANG
SO
BAD
it’s like raw magnetism
it’s something people would write ridiculous articles in cosmo about
like that bit where darcy helps lizzie into the carriage???????
HE HELPS HER UP
(IT’S THE 1800S, PEOPLE DONT TOUCH)
she looks at him, scandalised
HE WALKS AWAY, FLEXING HIS HAND AS IF IT’S BURNING
ROMANCE
there’s this scene where lizzie and darcy are dancing in a crowded room but they’re so focused on each other the other people LITERALLY MELT AWAY
LIKE THEY’RE THE ONLY TWO PEOPLE IN THE GOD DAMN UNIVERSE
(sidebar: HER HAIR IN THIS SCENE. GOD DAMN.)
also THE TRACKING SHOT THROUGH THE PARTY OH MY GOD
and okay, like
let’s not even GET INTO the declaration scene
after a heavy dose of SEXILY AVOIDING EACH OTHER’S GLANCES IN CHURCH the sexual tension crescendos
UNDER THE AWNING OF SOME ANCIENT RUIN
IN THE POURING RAIN
he advances; he admits his love
she REBUKES him
affronted, he insults pretty much everything about her
she responds but rebuking him again but WORSE
but the sexual tension’s still there
there’s just the noise of the rain
the air between them is so charged it could power like
a small city probably
THEY’RE SUPER CLOSE
NO TOUCHEY
AND THEN
HE LEANS FORWARD, EYES LOCKED ON HER LIPS
HE’S GONNA KISS HER
SHE WANTS HIM TO KISS HER
HE DOESN’T KISS HER
THE
FUCKING
TENSION
I CAN’T EVEN WATCH THIS BIT HONESTLY
and she regrets it immediately after and then he DROPS OFF THE LETTER AND SHE’S JUST SITTING THERE IN SHOCK REALLY
I KNOW BABE. I KNOW
and it’s the kind of movie you can rewatch a hundred times and it’s still as amazing as the first time and you pick up all these little things you missed
it was like my 20th watch when i realised that mary is in love with mr collins
and ok THE LIVING SCULPTURES OF PEMBERLEY SCENE
all the pemberly scenes really like when they show up and lizzie sees this bomb ass house that could’ve been hers and she’s just like, ‘hahahhahahahaha i fucked up, i fucked up. i fucked up so bad im sorry, im trash’
AND WHEN SHE MEETS GEORGIANA AND SHE LOOKS AT LIZZIE AND DARCY LIKE SMIRK.EMOJI
she knows
and the scene where DARCY AND BINGLEY PRACTICE WHAT HE’S GOING TO SAY TO JANE
REGENCY SOFT BRO AF
and the scene before when the bennets rush to make themselves look presentable and it’s sooooo awkward and forced HONESTLY THEY ARE THE BEST
AND JANE AND BINGLEY LOWKEY OTP FINALLY GETTING TOGETHER
AND JANE STANDING THERE IN THE SUNBEAM LOOKING LIKE A LITERAL ANGEL AND TEARS IN HER EYES AS SHE SAYS YES
and then
DARCY
LOOKING LIKE SOME FABIO SHIT
WALING ACROSS THE MOORS
TO HER
WHAT THE HELLLLLL
THE MUSIC SWELLS
HE’S RUGGED
‘YOU MUST KNOW… SURELY YOU MUST KNOW IT WAS ALL FOR YOU’
s t o p
and lizzie is standing there with her artfully messy hair
‘YOU HAVE BEWITCHED ME, BODY AND SOUL, AND I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU’
good BYE
and she kisses his hands? NOOOOOOO
THEY GONNA BANG SO MUCH
i keep this movie on every device i have in case i need an emergency pick me up
once i watched this with dinner at night and when it finished the dvd was on a loop and it started playing again…. and i watched it again… twice
As a child, you often daydreamed about a world you invented and you would occasionally write about it. 10 years later, you hear many different voices whispering to you. They are the prayers of the inhabitants of your imaginary world. To them, it has been 1000 years since you abandoned them.
Tough shit, kids, God has to write a fuckin thesis.
what i do is not up to you 
