today’s arm workout: cleaning eight quartic fuckloads of dried mud off the hems of two Renaissance English court gowns
Category: Uncategorized
So the REASON I want a Zimbits baby acquisition fic (if I can get over my issues and get there) is because I think if Jack and Bitty were deliberately planning to get a baby, it would all be very deliberately timed and planned and they’d have all the support they needed like the overachieving perfectionist freaks they are.
OTOH if Jack’s 35-year-old cousin is like “So I just found out I’m pregnant and I’m not aversive to carrying to term BUT I know I’m pretty solidly childfree, free baby one-time offer?” then they kind of have to jump on that, even IF the baby is born in August literally 2 days before the Falconers start their training camp and Bitty is less than three months into his First Real Grownup Job. It’s a bit of a mess, it’s a bit of a scramble, Suzanne moves into their guest bedroom for the first month, it’s all very stressful.
So when Jack tears a ligament in his knee at the beginning of the season he’s a little bit… relieved? to be benched for a bit. Like yes, there is a bit of Hockey Robot Lost His Function Oh Noes, but on the other hand he gets to spend more time with his daughter. They live the bassinet-in-the-weight-room, post-lunch co-nap lifestyle.
Jack cuts quite a figure at one of their home games, accessorizing a Versace suit with aluminum crutches, a diaper bag, and a baby sling. The Falconers had released a discreet announcement that Jack and Eric were new parents, but given out few details. Jack sits in the players’ box and feeds her a bottle during the first period. Everybody notices. During one of the commercial breaks the Jumbotron shows a tweet: “Is the #zimmbaby going in the next #pornforwomen book?”
People horrifically fucking up facts about evolution and genetics too support their stupid beliefs or to seem smart and “rational” is probably one of my big pet peeves
Yeah. An enormous number of racists, misogynists, homophobes and transphobes I’ve met eventually whip out something about evolutionary biology and they never, ever, ever, ever have the slightest shadow of even a half-right idea what any of it means or ever cite a claim ever actually made by a scientific study.
Here’s a quick handy reference list or anyone who isn’t sure:
- Homosexuality does exist in almost all social species.
- “Alpha males” are not a real phenomenon and in fact the most aggressive males tend to be the least reproductively successful.
- “Survival of the fittest” simply means that the success of a species hinges on how well it “fits” its environment. It does not mean that stronger or smarter individuals are supposed to succeed. Those things can even be a detriment in nature by wasting too many resources.
- “Race” is not a biological concept. Someone who looks different from you has the same human genes, just a different grab-bag of dominant traits.
- Evolution is not a march towards higher complexity, more intelligence or even more adaptability. It’s just a fluctuation of characteristics dictated by environmental pressures and mutation. A slime mold isn’t “less evolved” than a hawk, just adapted for success under different parameters.
- People didn’t evolve “from apes.” It’s more complicated than that. We are a category of ape, sharing a common ancestor with the other apes.
- No human on Earth is “closer” to an evolutionary ancestor than any other. We all descended from the same one.
- Neanderthals were also a “sibling” species of ours. We didn’t evolve from them.
- Some of us did, however, cross-breed with Neandethal man. It is exclusively non-African races, such as white people, who still carry hybrid human/Neanderthal genes. Whoops, sorry “white purity” skinheads, you’re actually mixed with a whole other species.
Team Trophy Husband Jack
I honestly now want the fic where Jack might be an extremely successful hockey player, etc, but for the rest of the world who don’t follow NHL and sport news, he’s Eric Bittle’s trophy husband.
Eric Bittle, who has his own Cooking Show, a Baking Contest Reality TV spin off, a chain of bakeries expanding all over the country, a series of books, and is a guest editor in some cooking magazines.
He’s Beyonce’s go to guy for Blue Ivy’s birthday cakes.
So yeah, his husband married him for the money. Never mind that they are college sweethearts and they married before Bitty had his big break.
And Bitty married him for his good looks. I mean Jack looks like a model, has that amazing bod and booty and is pretty much silent anytime they are in front of the cameras, it is clear he’s the classic dumb jock stereotype.
Bitty always gets extremely offended by that, Jack thinks it’s hilarious. He might play it up sometimes just to get out of interviews.
Jack always endlessly amused that the paparazzi that follow them are there for Bitty. They don’t particularly care about Jack. Their photos appear in the magazines as “Eric Bittle and husband.”
Jack has managed his life long dream of achieving invisibility in the media by marrying somebody who overshadows him. It is everything he ever wanted. He brags about it to anybody who will listen.
Bitty remains annoyed.
Once they are home, after going to a premiere of something/red carpet event.
“You have won 3 Stanley Cups! One two weeks ago! Why don’t they ask you about that? They only asked you what you were wearing!”
“Hugo Boss” Jack says without missing a bit.
“You could try not to make it so easy for them.”
“Fall Collection.”
“You are enjoying this too much.”
“Besides Bitty, you ordered a Pumpkin Spice drink today and went to do your own grocery shopping, how could I compare to that?”
“Jack this isn’t funny! I’m proud of you and I want them to know that.”
“I’m proud of you too, I mean, look at you walking down the street with sunglasses on.”
“I hate you.”
“Oh look, you are cheating on me with Shitty, Ransom, and Chowder… oh, also with Lardo? Bitty, I could forgive the first three, but not Lardo!”
“That’s it, you cannot buy anymore tabloids.”
“But Bitty! This magazine says we are getting a divorce! If I hadn’t bought the magazine, I wouldn’t have known to start packing my bags. Also, I apparently didn’t sign any prenup, so you owe me a lot of money.”
“I might leave you for Lardo after all.”
no offense guys but think about this for a second:
Kindergarten teacher Eric Bittle.
Kindergarten teacher Mr Bittle who is bright and energetic and loves children and taking care of “his kids”.
Kindergarten teacher Mr Bittle who calls his kids “Mr Bittle’s Bumblebees” and has a sign on his door that says “Welcome to the honey comb! We are busy bees but please come in!”
Kindergarten teacher Mr Bittle who has his friends volunteering in his classroom on a rotating weekly basis.
Kindergarten teacher Mr Bittle whose classroom is painted yellow and has red gingham curtains with pies on the borders.
Kindergarten teacher Mr Bittle who celebrates the 100th day of school by taking his bumblebees to meet the Falcs and learn to skate.
Kindergarten teacher Mr Bittle who talks about hockey a lot and who gives out “penalties” at the table next to his desk when someone needs a moment to cool down. “Joey you look upset. Here bud, do you need two minutes?” “Layla we have to share crayons with our friends! Come take two to remember that!” “Ben no throwing cars, kiddo! How about you take two?”
Kindergarten teacher Mr Bittle whose classroom always smells like fresh baked bread and who celebrates Friday with pie.
Kindergarten teacher Mr Bittle who sings and dances with his students and who joins in when his kids greet Jack with a rousing rendition of “The Hockey Song” when he come into for show and tell. Mr Bittle who brings Jack in after they watch inside out because he offers to talk about feelings to the little ones. Mr Bittle who is so touched by this that he brings in tiny maple apple pie bites for the class and for Jack because his husband is swawesome.
Kindergarten teacher Eric Bittle who teaches skating lessons for his kids in return for parents volunteering with classroom activities.
Kindergarten teacher Eric Bittle who takes his kids on a field trip to the high school home ec class so his kids can bake cupcakes and the high schoolers get some experience with the small ones.
Kindergarten teacher Eric Bittle who uses kindness to teach those early life lessons, who bakes cupcakes for birthdays and class parties and drags his hubby to chaperone field trips to the zoo and the beach and the aquarium.
Kindergarten teacher Eric Bittle who gets with the Falcs every year to get the kids and their families to a home game and give them “homework” of writing down as many jersey numbers as they can. Who spends the next Monday making each kid a paper jersey to hang up on the walls for art time.
Kindergarten teacher Eric Bittle who wears fun patterned bow ties on Wednesdays and can throw a football and play street hockey and fix the rip on one of the dress up clothes and teaches the little ones “the best mud pie recipe you’ll ever know. My moo maw taught me this y’all.” And then proceeds to get into the dirt to teach about bugs and worms and plants.
Kindergarten teacher Eric Bittle who cries on the last day of school during Kindergarten graduation because he loves his kids.
Kindergarten teacher Eric Bittle who cries and then smiles because year after year that he teaches, the back of the room at graduation is a mix of former Samwell hockey players and current Falcs who wear their game day best and hand out diplomas and fix tiny hats and curls and wipe away tears.Just kindergarten teacher Eric Bittle who loves getting to build these foundations for his little ones and enjoys taking care of two dozen tiny people during their first year of school. Who loves seeing his kids when they come back to visit. Who encourages them to volunteer their time in his classroom when they get to high school.
Just kindergarten teacher Eric Bittle who has so much love to give the world, so he gives it by teaching tiny ones.
best transition in the history of tv
ignore me i am a beacon of sin
There are only 2 genders
fuckyeahroosterteethproductions:
Please people thee are only two genders…. I can’t believe that Tumblr is allowed to exist and make up all these ridiculous identities and not have all its users in mental health facilities.
someone reblog this with the two real genders because this guy sure as heck didnt specify
Pokemon and Digimon
sun and moon
super trans and mega trans
chungo and scrungus
salt and pepper
Neither and both
Nintendogs 1 & 2
handmaiden and fuedal lord
Birdemic: Shock and Terror and Birdemic 2: The Resurrection
Team lads and team gents
Achievement Hunter and Funhaus
Khal Drogo and Not Khal Drogo
Mario and Luigi
Tom and Jerry
Ass and tiddies
Star Trek and Star Wars
Simon and garfunkel
Primmie and techie
Marina and The Diamonds
Xbox original and ps2
Attack Damage and Ability Power
People who can read binary and people who can’t
Capes and No Capes
mulder and scully
stage left and stage right
Caped and no cape(Wait no that one was already done)
Powerade and gatorade
This and That
Not Tall and Not Short
Coheed and Cambria
Trump and Obama
coffee and cream
seme and uke
Biscuits and gravy
ham and cheese
Shredded and Punk Bitch
Coke and Pepsi
netflix and hulu
animate and inanimate
Speakerboxxx and The Love Below
Union Man or a thug for JH Blair
Team Cap or Team Iron Man
Ice and Fire
Red and Blue
This Gender and Not This Gender
Steven and the Stevens
Mew and mewtwo
The book and the movie
yaoi and yuri
wii u and 3ds
people who can extrapolate from incomplete data and
