this was before we got agent agent back as our handler, and part of the reason why he finally turned up for work again.
so the thing about clint is that hes 1. not a good listener and 2. hes deaf. mostly. these are separate issues because being mostly deaf doesnt stop him from understanding what people are saying most of the time, it just means that you have to be sure he knows youre trying to communicate with him before you say something. (and also that you should make sure your mask doesnt cover your mouth so he can lipread, but whatever.)
we had this agent—incredibly boring guy in the worst sort of way–who’d requested clint, nat, and i for an op. nat and i were supposed to hit two of the leaders of a crime syndicate while clint got the third. easy peasy, kill some guys, free some hostages, small country liberated, total cakewalk. but the agent running the op and the briefing took FOREVER. he was talking us through like none of us had ever overthrown a country before, explaining every minute detail. nat and i could just kinda zone out and let things wash over us, picking up the pertinent details, but clint cant really do that. his hearing aids help but they weren’t perfect, so he also had to be kinda lipreading just to keep up. which takes a lot of focus for incredibly boring info. naturally he zoned out too.
which was how he missed the fact that his guy was not actually staying in his incredibly fortified base-slash-villa. his hostages were, but he wasn’t.
luckily, they covered this in the briefing packet we were each provided with, which was a mere 362 pages.
so obviously none of us actually read it.
we poked through, got blueprints, guard schedules, alarm systems and so on, but didnt bother with most of the rest of it.
they dropped us in the air over each of our respective targets, clint last. i had the cliffside resort, nat had the downtown headquarters, and clint had the base-villa. nat and i handled ours like pros, of course, corpses everywhere, and clint did too–mowed right through the security, got the hostages, and then called in that his syndicate leader wasnt there, what the hell, who gave me this bad intel.
which was when he was informed that the big bad wasnt IN the villa, he was on the ISLAND ACROSS from the villa, and that hed been supposed to covertly infiltrate the beach house there and quietly capture him. ideally without ever setting foot in the villa; he was just supposed to steal a boat from the villa docks and not get spotted by security.
unfortunately, clint had blown up all the watercraft at the villa’s docks to keep syndicate members from escaping. which meant he still had to get to the island and capture this guy, but now there were no motorboats left. and if this syndicate jerkoff got away, fury was gonna have his hide.
and thats how clint wound up launching a one-man amphibious assault on an international crime syndicate from a paddleboat.
and also why clint reads his briefings now.
oh man that briefing was so boring i think i may have actually died during part of it
was the weather history of the region really so damn important that the location of the target ended up relegated to a subheading
The nice, expensive trail mix, with twelve kinds of nuts and the big sunflower seeds and dried fruits, the kind Tony only rarely left sitting on the common floors for everyone to get at, was gone.
Clint had been looking forward to that stuff all morning.
All the way through a hellish morning “jog” with Steve, all through Nat handing him his ass on the training mats, all through firing the same batch of misweighted arrows over and over so Tony could take scans and fix the design, he’d been thinking, when this is done I get to go upstairs and hang out on the couch and watch Dog Cops and eat the good trail mix, guilt-free.
And it was gone.
Clint was gonna shoot somebody.
Just as soon as he figured out who’d taken the trail mix.
kingofmemes posted:
yesterday i saw a sad duck in the park who kept getting picked on by the other ducks so today i brought some trail mix and we had a nice lunch together. also i think he might be the duck who pooped on sam last week. if so, he is officially my new best friend.
Brooklyn Nine Nine and Marvel crossovers are like MY DREAM
PLEASE
Oh my GOD. PLEASE PLEASE
OK NO BUT IMAGINE:
Captain Holt: Do you find your job consists of shepherding a variety of eccentric toddlers in the vague direction of justice?
Nick Fury: HELL yes.
Captain Holt: Then it’s agreed: our teams should never socialise. Pure policework, nothing else.
Nick Fury: [peering through a crack in the blinds as Jake takes a selfie with Hawkeye] That might prove difficult.
–
Rosa: So. Spill. What’s the coolest thing you ever used to kill a guy?
Black Widow: Well, this one time in Moscow, I –
Captain Holt: THERE WILL BE NO COLLUDING IN MY PRECINCT!
–
Thor: My friend, it doesn’t matter the strength in your muscles, though I’ll grant that they’re impressive. Only the worthy can lift Mjolnir.
Terry: Oh, I’m worthy! You wanna know how worthy I am? Hitchcock and Scully stole my last mango yoghurt, and I haven’t beaten them to death with a chair leg!
–
Amy: Not to alarm anyone, but I think Gina just dragged Tony Stark into a supply closet.
Rosa: Nice.
Captain Holt: Oh dear god in Heaven.
Nick Fury: Gina is… your secretary?
Captain Holt: Ostensibly, yes.
Nick Fury: The one who called me Eyepatch when we first came in, then asked if I’d ever considered managing a dance troop?
Captain Holt: That would be the one.
Nick Fury [stares at supply closet]: Assuming they make it out alive, I’ll trade you him for her.
Captain Holt: Back off, Eyepatch.
Nick Fury: Worth a shot.
–
Bruce: So, uh. You work here?
Amy: Yes.
Bruce: Voluntarily?
Amy: Yes.
Bruce [gesturing at the chaos of the precinct]: Like this?
Amy [sighing]: Yes.
Bruce: I know exactly what you mean.
Jake, yelling from off: HEY AMY, I JUST CHALLENGED THOR TO A JIMMY JABS LIGHTNING ROUND! WANNA COME CHEER ME ON?
Amy: Oh god.
Jake, still off: LIGHTNING ROUND, GET IT? BECAUSE HE’S THE GOD OF THUNDER?
Bruce: You, uh. Said something about some new binders?
Amy: Come this way. Walk fast, and don’t make eye contact.
–
Boyle [talking animatedly]: – and that’s my second favourite recipe for pannacotta, although I gotta say, sometimes it’s only my third because – are you sure you wanna hear this?
Hawkeye [with his hearing aids out, nodding cheerfully]: Please, continue!
Ok so we all know that the answer to “Where did Captain America learn to
steal a car?” is “Nazi Germany” but I think the more pressing question
here is when the fuck did this complete maniac get a driver’s license
Because ok, Mighty Mouse 1.0 is too poor to own a car, too short to
reach the pedals, has vision problems, and is a goddamn New Yorker in the motherfucking 1930s, why on earth would he ever have learned to drive?
So this little bastard can’t even tell the gas from the brakes, he gets
all beefified, he goes on tour with the USO. Unless one of the showgirls
coached him through stalling out a car all over some Hollywood back
lot, he still can’t drive. He goes to Europe. At some point, some genius
looks at him and thinks “this strapping specimen of American hunkhood
obviously knows his way around a vehicle, let’s give him a motorcycle,”
and Steve “no parachute” Rogers is like “how hard could this be?” and
promptly wraps himself around approximately eight trees at the same time.
So then he’s kickin’ ass, fightin’ Hydra, and it’s just months of Bucky being like
“give me the goddamn keys, Steven,” and Dum Dum and Morita endlessly
encouraging his fucking insane Fury Road bullshit, like the Howling Commandos just use “grenade” as code for “Rogers” when they’re reporting
why yet another truck has been destroyed beyond recognition. Yes, sir, another grenade, I agree, sir, it’s very odd that we keep losing vehicles in the same way, that’s the third this month alone
So then he’s in the future and SHIELD is sorting his shit out, and
they’re not going to force Captain goddamn America to wait in line at
the DMV, they’re all in complete awe in him and they’ve seen the old
reels of him on his bike, so when they issue him his driver’s license without any type of road test
they go ahead and give him a motorcycle license too
and steve is like …neat.
Ok so then Bucky is back, shit is settled down, everyone’s heading
somewhere and Steve gets in the driver’s seat and Buck’s like WHOA WHOA
WHOA are you people out of your goddamn minds?! Why is Steve driving, is
this some kind of mission, are we heading into a combat zone, is the
plan for the vehicle to get blown up?? GIVE ME THE GODDAMN KEYS STEVEN
And Sam is all “what are you talking about, Steve’s a great driver, I saw him jump his bike over a car once”
And Buck is all “yes but have you seen him use a turn signal?”
And Steve’s like, “Listen, we never needed to ‘signal’ our ‘turns’ in Nazi Germany.”
Based on the 700+ fanfics I have saved in my phone welp
1) Grease stains on Tony’s cheek turn Cap the fuck on 2) also Tony’s grease stained and sweaty crop top riding up and showing a bit of skin 3) Avengers movie night is in 98% of fanfic 4) INSECURE TONY IS INSECURE AND IT MAKES ME CRY because I’m projecting 5) “Stop flirting and pining and get on with it!!!!” – Clint’s voice through a vent or perched in the ceiling in every fanfic 6) Super Soldier Stamina and All American Man Meat 7) Steve “here I brought you a sandwich so you have to eat” Rogers 8) Tony’s so beautiful and in his element in the workshop that Steve just sits there and basks in his brilliance and has 2175574525 Tony sketches 9) JARVIS sounds sad when Tony is in denial 10) Pepper is magical and makes everything better 11) Peter/James/Sarah/Maria/Virginia as their kids 12) Steve “Imma break the whole gym when I’m frustrated” Rogers 13) We are gay for each other in every universe. Even in the universes where one of us is a woman or we’re both women or were both mermaids or aliens or cats. Literal superhusbands of the multiverse. We’re That Gay
MORE LOVELY THINGS I’VE LEARNED READING STONY FANFIC:
14) Sleepy Tony with messy hair shuffles into the kitchen/rec room/workshop demanding coffee and flopping his limbs all over Steve while still looking adorable 15) at some point Stark Industries’ stock will plummet because of the gay 16) Tony has entire paragraphs/chapters where he thinks he’s scum and doesn’t deserve Steve and I cry while reading it 17) Horrible Ex-boyfriend Tiberius Stone 18) Natasha is the omniscient Stony shipper stand-in who tells Steve and Tony that they’re idiots while sharpening her knives and disappearing at random 19) In fact everybody knows and even when they give shovel talks truth is they’re all shipper trash of mom and dad 20) Steve and Dummy are instant BFFs 21) Steve’s Brooklyn accent appears when he’s angry or flirting or when they’re engaged in amazing, athletic sex 22) “LET US CELEBRATE THIS UNION BETWEEN SUPERHEROES!” – Thor 23) Steve says some variation of “you gave me a home” and there’s a scene about Tony’s cap collection but that’s actually canon so….
Even More Lovely Things I’ve Learned Reading STEVETONY FANFIC
24) Tony’s first childhood crush is Captain America and he has even wanked to the Cap poster on his bedroom wall 25) Tony bows his head and looks up at Steve through his long, thick shoujo eyelashes 26)
Tony and Steve save each other from awkward situations in the Maria Stark Foundation Gala and go off to chat on the balcony in private
27) S I Z E D I F F E R E N C E 28) “I can’t sleep. Nightmares.” says Steve as he meets Tony in the kitchen before his morning run. 29) “You don’t really love me. You love Ironman/Captain America.” says Tony and/or Steve sadly. 30) Creeper Uncle Obadiah Stane 31) So. Much. SELF. SACRIFICE!!! (and its hurt/comfort aftermath) 32) “I hate you, but we have to work together to get out of here.” Steve and Tony say while gritting their teeth, even though they’re both hard. 33)
Steve waxing poetic about Tony’s hands and his callused, long and slender fingers 34) “There goes your favourite customer,” Nat nudges Steve as the mysterious wealthy-looking man walks in his coffeeshop/tattoo parlour/flower shop/classroom/bar. Tony on the other hand, wonders why he’s always the customer… 35) Tony wears Steve’s dog tags while Steve leaves on a SHIELD mission.
Concept: Some jackass shows Bucky how to make a blog and it becomes really popular. Not because it’s the blog of James Buchanan Barnes, American Legend, War Hero, Infamous Assassin, Alleged Terrorist. Nobody even knows it’s his blog. It gets really popular because people think it’s a really great shitpost generator or something. Because Bucky is just a Weird Fucking Person and everything he posts on his fucking personal blog comes off as somewhere between dril and Jaden Smith and people are like “this is some quality garbage right here” and thus Accidental Memelord Bucky is born.
Bucky posts things like
“What is wrong with bananas. I ate a banana today and it was Wrong. America why”
“Every time I put on my eye makeup it gets bigger. My whole face is eyeliner now.”
“Why does friendship feel so much like punching”
“When I wake up in the middle of the night I am either thinking ‘who am I? does my life have meaning?’ or “did I already eat all of the plums?’”
“Why are you so grumpy” they ask me. they do not realize this is just my Face.”
“I know i said i would give my left arm for a cup of coffee but i am more awake now and i would like my arm back please”
“I guess I must have done something horrible in a past life. I mean. I definitely did something horrible in this life, so. “
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT THATS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS PICTURING
what i do is not up to you 