petals42:

ALRIGHT, so I’ve been meaning to write this one for a while but I have accepted that it not going to happen in full-fic format. So, here, the old “this isn’t a fic but oh wait it’s turned into a bit of a fic” format (a petals classic):

So, the key of a CP HP AU is that, in general, you have to get everyone in the same House because that’s how the quidditch teams work. And a quick glance (I haven’t read them bc I try not to read aus im going to write for fear of transference) tells me that others have done Hufflepuff and Gryffindor but if you know anything about me, you know there is nothing I love more than dismantling the last vestiges of anti-Slytherin prejudice that still lingers in everyone’s subconscious. (*cough* Untamed *cough*)

Basically, I’m going to put everyone into Slytherin. Cuz I can. So here you go, you have:

Jack Zimmermann, son of Bad Bob Zimmermann, a quidditch legend. He played Beater for the Montrose Magpies and is known for creating and coining the term “Scoring Beater” due to his skill at using his beater’s bat not only to control the bludger, but to hit the quaffle through the posts at incredible distances. It starts out as a trick play but turned into a legitimate scoring strategy. Most importantly for our story, Bob Zimmermann was the Captain of the team for his final two years of Hogwarts, won the House Cup for 4/6 years he was on the team, and is generally regarded as one of the finest flyers ever to come out of Gryfindor.

Yes, Gryffindor. Bad Bob Zimmermann was a Gryffindor. In fact, all of the Zimmermanns in the history of Magic have been Gryffindors. 

Until Jack Zimmermann. Already dealing with the pressure of dominating in quidditch little leagues, Jack Zimmermann came to Hogwarts and then in a moment that didn’t quite seem real, the Sorting Hat was put onto his head and screamed SLYTHERIN before it had even finished it’s downward descent. The Gryffinders started clapping before they realized what had happened. The Slytherins didn’t start clapping because they assumed there was some mistake. Some claimed that the Hat must just be a bit tired (it was the end of the alphabet after all) and it made a mistake. It is said that this might be the only time Headmaster McGonagall broke her calm exterior during a Sorting Ceremony and tried to put the hat back on a student’s head.

But, eventually (when the Hat just turned and huffed at McGonagall and the Slytherins finally started cheering), there was nothing left for Jack Zimmermann to do but walk over to the Slytherin side of the Great Hall and plop next to B. Knight, already wondering how on earth he was going to explain this to his parents. Even his mother, who was a Muggle, knew enough about Hogwarts to know that Slytherins were the worst. 

Of course, in the weeks/months/years that follow, Jack Zimmermann realizes that he is, in fact, a Slytherin. Goal-oriented? Ambitious? He is all of those things. And, actually, he is a lot of things from the other Houses as well because, really, what person can be reduced to just three or four traits and isn’t it a bit ridiculous that eleven year olds are just sorted into Houses and then basically conditioned to view themselves in a certain light throughout their formative years and–

Well, wait. We’re getting into Shitty.

Keep reading

petals42:

aka: adorable things that jack 100% says in future televised interviews that make the samwell crew (ESPECIALLY bitty) lose their shit:

• early in the season, when jack is asked “how you think your detour in college affected your play,” jack gets very serious and says that he doesn’t like the term detour because it implies you weren’t supposed to go there at all and that is not how he views his time at samwell and it would be disrespectful to all the great players both on his team and who play at the collegiate level to say that they didn’t help him improve. it is the first time that jack zimmermann sounds passionate about something on air and this makes the PR team very happy and Shitty is at the Haus watching and everyone ends up hugging and crying about their boy except Lardo and Dex.
• The PR joy is short lived because jack never addresses the comments directly again but he gets very snippy about this. if anyone mentions phrases like “pitstop” or “detour” or even “it’s great to see you back where you belong” his face goes dark and stormy and he might not bother correcting them again, but whatever the question, they aren’t getting a good quote for their magazine. the press figures it out eventually.
• when asked what other professional sport he would like to play, jack zimmermann says “anything but lacrosse. never really saw the point of it.” and the Haus throws a party that spans two nights.
• when asked what his favorite cheat day snack is, jack zimmermann says “pie” with a smile on his face that seems a bit too happy but, hey, the guy must really love pie.
• when asked by a snobby interviewer what his major was (in a tone of voice that clearly says he is expecting Jack Zimmerman to say something stupid), jack zimmermann goes into a full speech outlining his thesis and noting which historians he thinks truly capture the time period and he keeps his voice flat and awkward (like all his interviews tend to be) but the boys see his little flash of a smug grin when the interviewer flounders after his five minute monologue and doesn’t have any followup questions.

• when asked what advice he would give to young hockey players, jack zimmermann smiles just a little bit and says “eat more protein.” the press takes it as jack being ridiculous and maybe he even gets yelled at by PR for that because “c’mon, zimms, weve TALKED about this- say something INSPIRING” but bitty knows that little smile was for him and texts him a string of heart mixed with chirp emojis and tweets ‘this boy’-

• when asked what he thinks the best sitcom is, jack zimmermann pretends to consider for two seconds before saying in his most serious, deadpan voice “i’ve been told on good authority that the answer is 30 rock.” Holster cries. He cries harder when the followup question is “who’s your favorite character” and Jack’s answer is “sorry, i haven’t seen enough to know their names.”
• when asked why he is often seen at NWHL games on his days off, jack zimmermann replies “i love watching great hockey” and when pressed further on the issue, simply repeats that statement as if very confused why people are still asking this question.
• when asked (before he is out) if he has “someone special” for valentine’s day, everyone is expecting him to say no, but jack freakin’ zimmermann shrugs one shoulder and says “yup” and when they tease “oh, she must be very lucky”, this boy says “yeah, they are” and then refuses any further questions while the internet goes wild over his use of neutral pronouns.
• when he DOES come out and someone asks if he’s seeing anyone, jack zimmermann smiles directly at the camera – a huge, ridiculous, i am so fucking in love smile that the world has literally never seen before (and there’s a BLUSH TOO!!) – and says “Yes, I’ve been lucky enough to date my boyfriend for four years. thank you for your time.” and walks off before anyone can ask him anymore questions.