Based on this post about the inspiration for Dolly Parton’s Jolene, which is somehow even gayer than the song itself. Bless you, Dolly.
It had started out so innocently.
Bitty had been tired after hours of this meet n’ greet, and when that tall drink of water walked up to get his autograph, Bitty couldn’t help the words that tumbled out of his mouth.
“Gosh, well aren’t you the most handsome fella I’ve ever seen,” he said, reached for the outstretched CD–CD! Who even bought CDs anymore?–and readied his Sharpie. “What’s your name, hun?”
“Uh, Jack,” the man said, pretty eyes going wide. If he’d been more awake, Bitty might’ve felt bad for making a fan uncomfortable. But if this Jack really were a fan, then he certainly wouldn’t have a problem with another man complimenting him. And besides, he was handsome, with his wide shoulders and high cheekbones and eyes as blue as the summer sky.
Tag: omg check please
All day long at work, I kept thinking about Samwell bake sales for whatever reason. That would be a sweet four years (no pun intended lol)
“Oh god, oh god, oh god.”
You are two feet away from the door of your ECON101 class when suddenly someone is pulling you backwards. And into a nearby bathroom. And then starts pulling off your shirt.
Of all the things you expected to happen on a Tuesday afternoon at Samwell University, this was pretty low on the list.
“What the–” That’s about all you manage to get out and it’s muffled because your shirt is rucked up to your armpits.
“Bro, hurry,” the voice says and you finally place it. Chad. S or T. You’re not sure.
“Dude, stop, what are you doing?”
“Your shirt,” Chad S or T says. “Put it inside out. Now.”
You obey because Chad S is a senior and maybe this is some form of hazing? Either way he is a senior and you’re a freshmen so it makes sense to listen to him.
“Fuck, Chad, hurry,” the Chad in front of you says.
“I’m trying,” you say. This probably would have been easier if he had remembered to take off your backpack before ripping your clothes off. Also, does this mean you aren’t going to Econ?
“Not you, baby Chad. Chad T,” Chad – he must be S, or maybe P? – says. He waves his phone in your face. “Texting. Are you inside out yet?”
“Yeah, yeah,” you says, pulling your shirt back on. His eyes scan over you.
“No other Lax gear on?”
“No?”
“Perfect, let’s go, rookie, I got the text four minutes ago.”
And then he walks out.
“Wait!” you call, grabbing your things to follow him. “Wait, where are we going? Is this hazing?”
“What?” Chad S says, looking over his shoulder at you. “Fuck, no, you will know when you are being hazed, fucker. This is– I’m doing you a fucking favor, shithead.”
“You are?” This is definitely Chad S. Chad S is the angriest according to your charts.
“Hell yeah, bro,” Chad S, cutting wildly across the lawn. “You’re not on the real lax groupchat yet but Chad W sent out the word.”
“Word?”
“He saw them loading up their old shitty car,” Chad S says, walking directly through a group of girls and almost knocking two over. “Which means only one thing.”
They arrive at the entryway to the cafeteria, where there appears to be a rather large group of people already gathered. Chad S nods at the group.
“The Hockey team is having a bake sale.”
omg i just watched this show called bakers or fakers. basically two professional bakers compete against hobbyist. though who’s who is kept a secret till the end. they have challenges with certain ingredients or desserts. i can totally imagine bitty going on the show.
YUP!
Also AU where Jack is a guest judge on the show and he knows he’s supposed to be there as the “Eye Candy Sports Star” and isn’t expected to actually know much about baking or about knowing who is the professional or the faker BUT the Falconers (for the first time since Jack was named captain) failed to make the playoffs (so. many. injuries. Jack himself was out for a huge chunk of the season and Tater pulled his hammy and it was– Not his fault. Jack knows that but STILL). The point is Jack had some extra time on his hands and so not only did he watch every episode of Bakers and Fakers to get used to the format, he also read tons of How To Bake books and he was going to start on the youtube channels but he’d run out of time. (Plus Jack prefers books, youtube videos can be a bit too loud for him. Especially with the weird background music some of them put on while things are baking.)
The point is: Jack goes to this taping Way Too Hyped and, honestly, putting a lot of the competitive spirit he reserves for hockey into Judging. Jack is going to get this: he is going to figure out who are the bakers and who are the fakers and… well actually there’s no scoring system per se but he is going to give specific feedback and win this thing anyhow.
Enter Eric Bittle.
Tiny. Blond. Friendly. Stunningly attractive. Freakishly fast at baking. Super nice to one of his fellow contestants who looks like a sweet old grandma. Super condescending and says things like “Oh, honey, that’s precious” to other fellow contestant who Jack thinks is a bit of a prick.
Jack decides right away that he must be a Faker. He is too young not to be. And he keeps cutting corners, not doing the things that Jack had read about and if there is one thing that Jack “knows” is that’s you Don’t Cut Corners in baking. So he is the faker.
He is also the best, but Jack is not to be deterred. Bittle gets through the first round no problem (Douchebag’s cupcakes were basic and dry so he goes and the other contestants seem happy about it.) and it’s onto the second round. For this round, all the contestants have to use maple syrup (in honor of Jack). Jack and the other judges bicker easily among themselves about who left is the Faker and who is the Baker and Jack tries over and over to get them to see that clearly Bittle is a faker. He has to be. There is no way he can use that much maple syrup without it coming out too sweet. He is making rookie mistakes. At one point, he added sirracha to his pie?? It didn’t make sense. He doesn’t make sense. Jack is positive.
Then they get to the tasting and the other two contestants are good and Jack is pretty confident that Marsha is a professional because damn her maple crisp thing is delicious but–
But then he takes a bite of Bittle’s maple crusted pie and he… he sees stars honestly.
“I was wrong,” Jack Zimmerman admits out loud to a studio audience. (Okay, that’s an exaggeration, the day is too long so there is no live audience). “He’s the real deal. He’s a baker for sure.”
The other judges agree. And because they have to give less money to real Bakers and thus always chose who they thing is a real Baker (and because Bittle was handsdown the best), Bittle wins the show.
And then comes the question: “Are you a baker or are you a faker?”
Marsha (as Jack suspected) is a Baker. That’s okay. Janelle is the faker and then Jack was right. They have Bittly announce what he is next. There’s the tense silence. Jack is glaring at him without really meaning to.
“I.” Bittle starts. Jack hasn’t felt so pumped since he was playing against the Flyers and they were tied up with 34 seconds left. “Am. A.”
Jack is holding his breath. He needs a win. He was right about this.
“Faker!”
Bittle laughs. The other judges all exclaim at how amazed they are by this. The host gets Bittle to explain that he is still a college student and he does most of his baking in a frat house (hence the sirracha move). Everyone is amazed.
Jack is livid. He knew it and then stupid Bittle made him change his answer. He should have stuck with his gut, he should have–
“Sorry for fooling you right at the end, darling,” Bittle says as they wrap up, shooting him a smile. “Had to get that 15 grand though.”
“I knew it, though,” Jack mumbles, feeling his face go a bit red. “I did know it.”
“Oh, you had no idea,” Bittle says and though he’s laughing, Jack doesn’t feel mocked. “You can’t know everything about me that quick!”
Bittle is cute and small and compact and Jack feels that rush he feels when he’s been bested but by a team that deserves it.
“How much time?” he blurts. Bittle blinks at him. He flushes harder but continues anyway. “Would it take to know everything?”
“Well, I- I-” Bittle is a bit flustered now too. Jack can see his face getting red. It’s adorable. But, unlike Jack, he manages to collect himself rather quickly. “I think dinner would be as good a place to start as any.”
And so that’s where they start.
food truck au 2/??
Jack had one blissful week of texting Eric in peace before his teammates caught on.
“ZIMMBONI,” Tater shouted across the dressing room at the end of practice that day. “Who you texting that make you smile so big?”
In a scary sort of tandem, Ransom and Holster whipped around to look at him.
“Yeah, Zimmboni,” Holster parroted. “Who ya texting?”
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly” – eric at 5 am, mumbling to the cherries during his 7th consecutive hour of making jam. he can hear in color.
this is the most canon thing I’ve ever read
I’m going to seriously die if the major conflict between Bitty and his parents this year isn’t him coming out, but if Bitty and Suzanne legit fall out over him using Aunt Judy’s jam recipe.
Imagine Bitty and Suzanne, in true Southern fashion, the subtle and not-so-subtle passive-aggressive snipes and asides:
“Oh, Dicky, I was planning to send you a care package, but I’ve seen how much you enjoy getting things from your Aunt Judy–”
“Mother, please–”
“She shared some of those pictures from Mr. Alexei, showing off all that jam you sent to the Falconers! They must’ve loved that recipe so much, Dicky!”
“Well, yes, but–”
“And you couldn’t’ve gotten all those berries up north, so I figured she must’ve sent some up already. Me sending any, they’d’ve just gone to waste! What. a. shame. that would’ve been.”
And of course it escalates, to where they’re gritting their teeth through every conversation and furiously complain to their partners after every time they speak.
Coach, of course, doesn’t care, and wants to stay out of it, but Bitty interprets his silence for taking his mother side. And Bitty probably was already thinking about staying part of the summer in Providence with Jack….
Mentioning that to Suzanne, however, opens up a whole new can of worms:
“You’re neglecting your family!”
“It’s just one summer!”
“It was just one batch of Judy’s jam, at first! Now you’re making it like you’re fixin’ to feed an army, and when’s the last time you made our recipe, hm?”
“That’s not the same thing and you know it, Mother–”
“But it’s tradition. You always come down for the 4th of July!”
“I can do to skip one year. They’re’ll be plenty more to come.”
“Do they even celebrate the 4th up there?”
“Oh for–Yes, Mother. If I stay with Jack we’ll celebrate Canada Day, too. That’s twice the celebrating! Twice the tradition.”
“Don’t take that tone with me, young man.”
“Mother–”
“–I just don’t know what’s got into you, Dicky! It’s like I don’t even know you anymore!”
At that point the fight gets real. Tempers flare, Words are spoken, and tears are shed, and in the end, Bitty snaps:
“You know what’s got into me? Fine. I’m gay. I’m dating Jack. and I’m staying with my boyfriend over the summer. Deal with it, Mother!”
At which point Suzanne snaps back:
“Well fine! That still doesn’t excuse your sorry excuse for preserves!”
and hangs up on him.
She calls him back immediately:
“And just so you know, Jack Zimmermann is a wonderful young man who is welcome in my house any time. You are free to come home as soon as you come off that high horse’ve yours and re-learn some manners!”
She hangs up again.
And that is my happy head canon of how Bitty comes out to his mother and doesn’t speak to her again for two months, not because he’s gay, but because of jam.
Jack Zimmermann, on the other hand, receives a congratulatory call, a warm welcome into the family, and weekly care packages with rainbow-themed note cards saying “To Jack, my favorite son.” (You didn’t think Bitty got his saltiness from Coach, did you?)
(For his part, Coach calls Bitty for an awkward but warm “So your mother says you’re gay, that right? Dating Zimmermann, too? Well. Guess you got some good taste there, Junior.”)
this? is the funniest comic frame and character interaction in history. tater screaming blueberry in jacks ear. “Tater. Could you shut up.” thirdy totally unprepared for the ordering process. the other guys in the back watching the event unfold. “wait, say that again”. jacks shirt hanging open and and his exasperated look with one ear plugged. we’ve got open, genuine comedy here boys.
Bitty: As your trophy husband,
Jack: Excuse me, I’m clearly the trophy husband in this relationship.
[3 hours of bickering ensue]Lardo: So who’s the reacher and who’s the settler in the relationship?
Jack & Bitty simultaneously: I’m the reacher.
Jack & Bitty: ……
[3 more hours of bickering ensue]
B. Shitty “sorry to interrupt this conversation but I have a 400 day snapchat streak with Bad Bob Zimmermann to maintain” Knight
Kent “400 days? Try 700 and mutual top best friends” Parson
Jack “my dad blocked me on snapchat because I never replied to his snaps” Zimmermann
MooMaw: When you boys giving me some grandbabies?
Bitty: Ah, well . . .
Jack: Je suis désolé je ne parle pas Anglais
MooMaw: Oh, my apologies
Bitty: No, he can —
MooMaw: Quand vas-tu me donner des petits-enfants?
Jack:
Bitty:
Jack: Damn it
what i do is not up to you 