There’s a sharp intake
of breath behind Jack as he pours coffee, and for a second he thinks
it’s Bitty sitting at their kitchen table, the one he’d powered past
unseeing in a mindless quest for warmth and caffeine, because even by
Canada standards, it is cold outside, and the wind off the river was fierce. But, no, the considered hmmmmm that follows quickly quashes that idea.
“Alicia. You know that I am the absolutely last person
in the world to disparage your parenting, the very last. You know that
I love your son dearly. But … I’ve seen press pictures, recent ones,
and I thought he’d grown out of this!”
His mom laughs
(yes, it’s weird having his parents staying with him instead of the
other way around, but it’s also pretty great).
“Sadly, no, no, he has not. My child is all Zimmermann when it comes to dressing himself. At least he never went through a mullet phase.”
Jack can’t help but grin into his mug before turning around.
“Hi, Uncle Tim. Good of you to drop by.”
“It’s the last time I’m doing so unannounced if this
is what you’ll be wearing,” Tim Gunn huffs; Jack looks himself up and
down, but can’t see anything particularly wrong with his attire. This time, anyway.
“I was running?”
“Jack. Laurent. Zimmermann,”
his mom drawls, and lord, Bitty’s speech patterns are rubbing off on
her, too. "It’s not the running clothes, per se. It’s entirely
possible to look put-together, or at least neutral and inoffensive,
while working out. Most of your teammates manage it on a regular
basis. You, on the other hand, are wearing neon yellow sneakers, black tights, green shorts, a Samwell hoodie, and a navy toque.“
“The colorblind man is about to knock over a 7-11,” Uncle Tim adds.
“It’s almost laundry day?” Jack pleads; Tim purses his lips and pushes his glasses a bit further up his nose..
“No
excuses, kiddo.” Jack sticks his tongue out, like the five-year-old he
was the first time he can remember Uncle Tim, helping his tiny fingers
through a Windsor knot before a red carpet event with his parents.
“Now, I actually came over to sound you and your mom out about an idea
we had for next season, see if you’d be up for it and if you could work
it into your..”
“Sweetheart?” Bitty’s voice floats down the
hallway from their bedroom, and Jack turns towards the sound without
even thinking about it; behind him, Alicia and Tim exchange small, proud
smiles. "Have a good run?“
Jack reaches out and pulls his
fiance into his side, ignoring Bitty’s squeak of displeasure, and
presses a kiss to the top of his head.
“Not bad; bit
windy. You should have come with me, Bits.” Bitty wrinkled his nose in
disgust, and cuddled a little deeper into Jack’s chest.
“In
winter, I will run on treadmills indoors like the Good Lord intended.
Oh, don’t forget, we’ve got Lardo’s thing tonight, I’ve laid out a
couple of options on the bed for you to pick from.”
“All is
explained; I was wondering if you’d hired him a stylist, ‘Lish,” and
Jack looks up to see Uncle Tim gesturing at Bitty with his mug. "I’m
keeping this one; he’s mine now.“
okay but what is the idea tim gunn is planning for next season and how does it involve jack??
I’m glad you asked!
Many years ago, when I actually watched Project Runway, in
college, I remember a challenge where the contestants had to dress each other,
and several of them flipped their shit,
because they’d never had to do men’s tailoring before.
And then I thought, “Self, how would they handle hockey
butts?” (Double entendre very much intended).
Alicia will be a guest judge for this episode, because who
do you think has been dressing Bob all these years?
Episode opens with contestants being led into a completely
empty ice rink. Tim is on the ice in
skates, but still perfectly elegant.
Then a whistle blows, and BAM, ice is full of furious hockey players,
swatting pucks around and slamming into each other, and Tim is just … serenely
skating through, parting the Red Sea level of not getting hit.
“This is whom you will be dressing for the next challenge!”
Of course, there will be a few SMH players, and Falconers,
and Kent Parson, because why not.
Chowder does not understand why sharks cannot be part of
haute couture.
Someone faints and someone else gets a nosebleed during
fittings when the room is full of buff hockey guys stripped to their
shorts. At least one designer wants to
know if they have to cover them up
with clothes, but Tim puts the kibosh on fancy Speedos.
“No, no, I absolutely see where you’re coming from, but I’m
afraid that there has to be more to
your design than a functional loincloth.”
Extra challenge is dressing Bitty, a) because he has a
hockey player’s build, but miniaturized, and b) because he has opinions about fashion.
Kent Parson will own
this motherfucking catwalk.
Tater is a huge ham, but damn,
does he clean up well. (He’s totally
fine with a functional loincloth as the original design. “No, no, I like, is very comfortable.”)
Designers pulling their hair out because, holy cow, it’s
like dressing giant hyperactive five-year-olds.
Plus, tailoring trousers to fit the butts… not easy.
Alicia is smug. Tim
is … less than sympathetic.
“They are not going to chop their flow just because it
interferes with your aesthetic. Embrace
the mullet, because it’s not going anywhere.”
“Please remember, you are dressing athletes, these garments need to be flawlessly constructed. You
cannot just baste them into it and pray, because God will not be listening.”
Which is a hint because SURPRISE CHALLENGE! The boys will have to skate in these
garments.
Bitty does a jump and a spin-lutz-axle…thing, and PING,
buttons go flying across the rink.
Whoops.
(Jack secretly gives that
outfit a solid ten).
Alicia is very proud of her son, her strange babby all grown
up, scoot scooting down the runway.
Mama Bittle does not
know quite where to look when this episode airs, but suddenly hockey popularity
takes a HUGE spike all across America.
what i do is not up to you 