The words cut through Alec in the same moment his hand touches the doorknob.  He freezes like he’s just been shot with ice – ice through the heart, ice sticking his fingers to the handle, ice freezing his feet to the ground.
It takes him a long moment to even be able to turn his head, but he finally does, and his eyes meet Magnus’s.  Not just Magnus’s eyes. His real eyes.  He’s sat on the couch, martini glass dangling loosely between his fingers, bare feet on the floorboards making him look vulnerable.  His whole face looks open. Scared.
Alec swallows and it feels like the motion goes all the way down through his body.
It’s been a long, long fight.  The kind of fight where they’re not even using words they actually mean, by the end of it, just hurling their worst sides at each other, because it all comes down to insecurities, and past hurts, and things which aren’t even really about each other, and Alec had thought it best to just –
Get out of there.  Clear his head. Before either one of them said something they couldn’t come back from.  They hardly ever fight over anything bigger than whose turn it is to answer the door when their irritating neighbour comes around to complain about something, or who gets to be the little spoon that night, but when they do, Alec is used to this method of dealing with it.  Walking out until they can cool down.
He’d always thought that was the right move.  But he’s never looked back at Magnus’s face as he does it, before.
Looking back now, all Alec sees is that Magnus looks afraid.
Like maybe he thinks if Alec walks out the door right now, he’s not going to come back.
All of a sudden, the fight melts away, and Alec’s heart just stutters.  How did it even start? His fears about immortality, again? All that boils down to is never wanting to leave Magnus, not being able to stomach the thought of it, and of course that’s different to taking a walk around the block or crashing on Maia’s couch for a night to cool down, but the fact remains.  He doesn’t want to go. Not when it’ll hurt Magnus.
“I wasn’t – I wasn’t going for good,” Alec promises, but he lets his hand slide off the doorknob anyway.  The anger’s fizzled right out of him. Looking into Magnus’s wide, heartbroken cat-eyes, looking at the vulnerable ways he curls his bare toes into the floor and keeps his posture so, so straight that he seems like he might snap – Alec wants nothing more than to go to him.
So he does.  He takes three long strides across the room until he can drop down before Magnus, his knees colliding painfully with the wooden floors.  He extracts the empty glass from Magnus’s hands and clutches them in his own, instead. “I never want to leave for good,” Alec promises, his voice rough and quiet and dangling between them.  “That’s the whole point. You get that’s the whole point, right? I just only ever want to be with you, Magnus.”
Magnus’s throat bobs, like he’s swallowing every word Alec says – drinking them in.  Alec stares into his eyes, and stares and stares, all his heart going out to Magnus. His knees ache and Magnus’s hands are trembling in his, and Alec feels a bit like he might cry. Â
“I just didn’t want you to go,” Magnus tells him in a breath, after several long minutes of looking.
Alec gets it.  “Okay,” he says, and kisses Magnus’s knuckles, one by one.  “I’m not going anywhere.”
“It would be the Omamori charm,” Magnus said, his gentle voice cutting through darkness and straight through Alec. “It was the first gift you gave me. The first gift anyone’s given me in a long time.“
“Magnus-“ Alec stopped, unsure what to say next. He didn’t realize how much it would hurt knowing that Magnus had thought about which memento of Alec’s he’d keep. That he was aware of the temporary role that Alec played in his life.
Alec closed his eyes, trying to ignore the dull ache of his heart. He wondered if Magnus could hear it breaking with every beat as his head lay across Alec’s chest.
“Your bow and quiver. Technically I do still own them.” The levity of the statement was a sharp contrast to how tight Magnus was gripping his bicep.
Alec clutched at the bedspread, keeping his nails from digging into his palm. His breath was coming out in short gasps, his eyes burning as he fought back tears.
Magnus continued, oblivious to the way Alec had split wide open. “The shirt of mine that you wore the other day.”
So what if I… moved in?
Embarrassment shot through Alec, the sting of rejection still sharp against his skin.
He was so stupid to think he could have this.
“Our photos from that booth in Tokyo.”
A beat as Magnus inhaled, shaking slightly against Alec’s side.
He needed Magnus to stop. Needed to cut off the flood of despair that was threatening to overwhelm them both.
“That tacky mug you brought over from the Institute, the recipe of that awful stew,” Magnus breathed back out, barely a whisper but voice barbed and rough, “and, yes, even that spatula.”
“Magnus-“
“All of those,” Magnus continued, refusing to listen, refusing to let Alec breathe. “All the treasures I keep across the globe, and that box that holds my past. I would give them all up if it meant I would never have to lose you.”
Magnus’ tears burned as they hit his chest.
And Alec, Alec shuddered at the realization that Magnus was just as scared as he was. That while Alec chose to face problems with the reckless courage of a soldier, Magnus was the opposite, letting it percolate like one of his potions and trusting that everything would come together in its perfect time.
It was an issue that would yet to be resolved but he wasn’t alone in his fear. Magnus was still here and Alec wasn’t ready to lose the love of his life.Â
Alec arms wrapped around Magnus, keeping him as close as possible, letting his own tears slide into Magnus’ hair.
He couldn’t promise forever but he could promise here and he could promise now.
what i do is not up to you 