Eleven: “Excuse me, I’m new in town and it gets worse.”
Will: “I have had a very long day. I am very small. And I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.”
Mike: “’Cause you know how you lie to your parents?”
Lucas: “I also don’t want me to be doing what I’m doing.”
Dustin: “They’re like, ‘Does that work?’ I’m like, ‘It didn’t NOT work.’”
Max: “Sometimes, babies will point at me. And I don’t care for that shit at all.”
Steve: “Part of me was like, whatever, you know, you know those days when you’re like this might as well happen? Our life is already so goddamn weird.”
Nancy: ♫ And life is a fucking nightmare ♫
Jonathan: “When I’m walking down the street, no one’s ever like, ‘Hey look at that man.’ I think they’re just like, ‘Whoa, that tall child looks terrible! Get some rest, tall child! You can’t keep burning the candle at both ends!’”
Billy: “Well… you know how I’m filled with rage? I’m so horny and angry all the time and I have no outlet for it. So… eggs.”
(BONUS ADULTS)
Joyce: “I think Emily Dickinson’s a lesbian.”
Hopper: “It is 100% easier not to do things than to do them.”
Bob: “I look like I was just sitting in a room in a chair eating Saltines for like 28 years and then I walked right out here.”
“Salt and Pepper Diner is John Mulaney’s funniest bit” is Xanax/Prostate Exam erasure and I will not stand for it
The overlooking of “The One Thing You Can’t Replace” is a criminal act.
LISTEN, I WAS JUST WATCHING JOHN MULANEY AND I RAISE YOU
HOW COULD YOU NOT SAY DELTA AIRLINES????
Bill Clinton Never Forgets A Bitch, Ever
The responses to this post have been so amazing because it’s reminded me, and I’m sure many others, of just how many hilarious bits John Mulaney has other than s&pd
what i do is not up to you 