Bitty: HEY Y’ALL.
Last time we wrapped up with the latest installment of the Phelps vs. Bittles
jam war that went down at Christmas this year, but today we need to take a
slight detour from this ongoing debate because we have a special guest.
Bitty adjusts the
camera to Jack, sitting nervously on the other bar stool. Bitty’s camera is set
up in their kitchen at the island, their glass-fronted cabinets in the
background, lit just in a way that reflections won’t be an issue.
Bitty: Mr. Jack
Zimmermann has finally agreed to appear on my blog!
Jack: Hi.
Bitty: Seriously,
honey? Hi?
Jack: Hi
everyone.
Bitty: All right,
I suppose that’s the best I’m going to get out of you. Well, y’all, Mr.
Zimmermann here has just come off an impressive five-game winning streak, three
of which were won in the third period due to his own goals. Unfortunately, the
majority of my viewers do not know anything about hockey, so we need to get
down to serious business. Jack, I have been inundated by questions from my
viewers over the years about what it’s like being married to a baker. Prepare
yourself accordingly.
bc its sounds fancy as hell and it’s the only name the didn’t remind
sirius of a long lost uncles cousins dog or smth
Lily buys her lil baby blue outfits and a pink sweater eleanor
wears all the time but then harry gets sad bc HE wants a pink sweater so then
BOTH of them have pink sweaters so one day james comes home in a pink sweater
and suddenly it’s an official family thing everyone had a pink sweater
Battle of the nicknames bc james and remus wanna call her ‘nora’
for short but lily and sirius are team ‘ellie’ but the war is on and james is
all ‘I helped MAKE this BABY’ and lilys like ‘WELL YEAH OK I CARRIED THIS BABY FOR NINE MONTHS AND THEN
PUSHED HER OUT OF MY ARSE’ and that is it bc what could you possibly say to top
that
Sirius and remus getting ellie a t-shirt with ‘I HAVE HOT
UNCLES’ on it with sirius’s number written on the bottom
Sirius and lily having competition to see who can play the
best game of peak-a-boo and sirius wins bc hes sirius black and he was voted ‘biggest
drama-queen’ in seventh year in both the boys AND girls division
When ellie is two and harry is four they have another girl
called
and she’s honestly the smallest person to exist and remus refuses
to hold her for two whole weeks bc hes afraid hes going to break her
Remus and james trying to set up the new baby crib without
magic because LILY WE CAN TO DO THIS OK WE CAN DO STUFF WITHOUT MAGIC so they
start and by the end of it its four hours later, remus is hitting wooden bars
againist the window and james is holding two screws in the air and squawking ‘WHERE
DO THESE GO’ over and over
Eleanor starts muggle school bc lily and james want her to
be able to read and harry potter takes his little sisters hand and leads her
through the gate while she smiles at him bc she thinks hes the best and oh
harry my love
Rose being super sad bc harry and ellie are at school so
remus comes over and they make scones and she mashes flower in his hair and he
grins at this four year old like she’s golden
Sirius picking his godson and honorary niece up from school
in a motorbike while wearing badass sunglasses and harry gets so much street
cred while ellie just runs up to sirius and he spins her around and then puts
her down while simultaneously winking at the teacher who won’t stop starring
Lily and james both try to talk to rose about how she’ll be
starting muggle school and about how she can’t do magic on accident but rose is
like ‘mummy. Daddy. I already know this. Please leave because I am talking to
mr snuggles’ and it turns out ‘mr snuggles’ is a giant rubber snake
They both leave bc what the actual fuck why does she have
that snake james I told you not to buy that for her she’s FIVE AND WHAT DO YOU
MEAN IT WAS REMUS
Harry james potter being nine years old and has a crush on
sandy Connors in his class so ellie goes up to her in the middle of lunch like ‘my
brother likes you sandy and he told me not to tell but who cares’ and then she walks
away while harrys like ELLIE NO
Rose getting through her first three months of school by
doing what uncle sirius told her to. Avoiding boys and making some cool
girlfriends who share their crayons
Remus, james and sirius trying to have a guys night while
lily’s out with harry and rose and then ellie walks in while they’re playing poker and DEMANDS to learn how to play
and james cannot believe hes teaching his eight year old daughter how to play
poker and she’s actually BEATING HIM
Sirius tells rose she looks ‘very pretty’ when she’s wearing
a dress to go to Anna Brown’s birthday party and rose kisses him on the cheek
while sirius smiles so wide
Harry goes off to Hogwarts and james turns on the platform
to find remus, sirius and lily all waving tearily while rosie screams ‘SEND
BACK LOTS OF SWEETS’
Ellie getting a muggle bike for Christmas and then uncle
remus tries to ride it but he falls in the gutter and then uncle sirius falls
in to because hes laughing so hard
Lily getting rose to join girl scouts because ‘muggle exposure’
but she gets asked to leave after just one session bc she poured glue into Janice
Martin’s hat after she said that ‘only stupid girls have red hair’ and wow Janice
you fucked up you fucked up bad
Remus and ellie go school shopping because ellies about to
go to Hogwarts and remus gets her the biggest cat he can find and sirius doesn’t
talk to him for a week
Ellie goes to Hogwarts and the next day james and rose break
a window while throwing a Quaffle around and rose I won’t tell mum if you don’t
tell mum ok deal
Lily being a shit cook and she tries to heat up a mince pie
with magic but instead jabs her wand so had she throws it in the sink and vows
never to tell anyone this happened while she pulls her wand out of the drain
Ellie being twelve years old at Hogwarts and getting the
best transfiguration mark in the entire second year exams and proud fourteen
year old Harry Potter going around saying ‘that’s my little sister’ while james
potter requests special permission to come into the school so he can hold an
awards ceremony which sirius will cater and remus will dj.
The request is denied so they all just send howlers like ‘ELLIE
WE’RE SO PROUD’ and ‘REMUS CRIED WHEN HE HEARD ELLIE *scuffling noises* SIRIUS
STOP LYING YOU PRICK *kicking sound* ELLIE WE LOVE YOU *muffled swearing*’ and
ellie is just sitting there so embarrassed with her face as red as rose’s hair
Rose starts Hogwarts and the four of them all go home and
get drunk because ‘all of their babies have left the nest’ and they all get so drunk that lily and james
sing a duet of ‘a cauldron full of hot strong
love’ on the table while remus and sirius wave their wands in the air in unison
and sway
What losers I adore them
Fifteen year old harry hears that two kids in his year have
stolen roses’s potions book and by the
time he gets there, fully ready to kick ass, he sees rose kick one of the guys
square in the dick and then stand on tip-toe to jab her wand into the other
guys eye
Harrys just standing there and someone in the crowd is like ‘who
is that kid’ and harry’s like: ‘that’s my baby sister’
Harry in Gryffindor, Ellie in Ravenclaw and Rose in Slytherin
Ellie going home in the summer and she’s fourteen and over
dinner sirius is like ‘got a crush?’ and ellie says: ‘yeah I like Madison Brewer
in my charms class’ and everyone stops for a second and then sirius is like ‘is
she hot’ and ellies like ‘yeah’ and then they high-five across the table and
everyone goes back to eating
Harry gets together with ginny and rose tells her that ‘my
brother may seem lame but once you get know him you realise he’s ever lamer’
and ellie is just nodding in the background
Rose throws the Quaffle so hard at the ravenclaw keeper that
she loses three teeth except the ravenclaw keeper is ellie and GET BACK HERE
ROSE IMMA FUCK YOU UP and it’s the first time a quiditch game has ever been
called off because two people had landed and were hitting each other with their brooms
Harry goes up to 13 year old jake mornan and says ‘I heard
you like my baby sister mate and let me tell you. If you fuck her up, she will
fuck you up’ and jake just nods bc rose is a badass princess and everyone knows
it.
Harry graduates and sirius gives him the keys to his motorbike
and lily and james are like WE DID NOT DISSCUSS THIS SIRIUS CAN WE TALK TO YOU
IN THE CORNER FOR MINUTE
Ellie kisses melanie griffin, dominic brewer, Elliot nash, Samantha
tart, parvati smith and tasha porter all in the space of a month. Blair krugar
calls her ‘confused’ and ellie calls herself ‘interested in trying all options’
And years later there is a photo of when Rosie graduated on
the mantel and she’s smiling and beautiful standing between her dad and sirius
who is doing bunny ears over remus’s head and lily has one arm around ellie and
the other around harry who is bending down and oh they would have had the most
fun in the world bc they loved each other so
so this turned into a huge thing please send help i am a mess
18-year-old mayor jack zimmermann bankrupted his city by funding a
giant hockey rink/sports complex called Ice Town. years later, he falls in love with eric
bittle, the cheerful deputy director of the samwell parks department
Okay so I’m slowly falling in love with the idea of Percy being a son of Aphrodite because that au would be so neat like-
Percy still having his troublemaker smile and messy windswept hair and sea green eyes but there’s a certain almost uncomfortable beauty to him, inspiring a slight, undefinable uneasiness in most others because his eyes are almost too green and too deep and his crooked troublemaker smile dimples his left cheek in the most radiant way and even his messy windswept hair looks like it was supposed to be tousled in that way and all of his imperfections some how make him more appealing.
And because people don’t really understand where this uneasiness comes from so it just furthermore gets Percy labeled as a troublemaker at first glance.
Grover finding Percy at Yancy Academy because his smell is so potent that he knows that Percy must be powerful.
When Nancy Bobofit dumps her food onto Grover’s lap, Percy snaps for her to go jump in the fountain and to his surprise she actually does it and he’s never been so confused in his life.
(This of course starts the chain reaction that ends with him passing out on the deck of the Big House with the golden haired girl saying that he must be the one)
Annabeth Chase, Daughter of Apollo, gives him the tour around camp.
After Capture the Flag when Percy gets claimed there’s such a sense of disappointment from everyone – the kid who killed the minotaur with its own horn was a son of Aphrodite? Seriously?
But the disappointment is quickly replaced with shock when Percy disarms Luke at sword practice without even lifting his sword. He just told Luke to drop his sword, and without a second thought, Luke did.
Silena is the one who tells Percy about charmspeak.
He still becomes a master swordsman and is still one of the most powerful, if not the most powerful demigods of the series.
His charmspeak goes from being something that happened either on accident or in dire situations to being more potent then you could imagine. It freaks out a lot of people because he could tell you to do anything, and you would comply without a second glance.
He can actually feel love, whether it be romantic, platonic or otherwise. He’ll sense it between partners and families and friends, and he tries to describe it and how each love is distinct and different but no one quite understands – everyone except for Aphrodite that is.
One of his powers that he discovers later on in the series is the ability to manipulate love and everything that goes with it. It goes far beyond the trivial, relationship-ending things his siblings do. The love that he can feel and sense between people – he can ruin it, he can make it so it was if it was never there. He can turn that passion into burning hatred. He can turn want into obsessive desire. And that’s when he understands what Aphrodite says when she says that love can bring the gods to their knees.
He’s still the child of the prophecy. Aphrodite considers herself the oldest god, being created out of Ouranos. When he was defeated his immortal essence created the sea foam from which Aphrodite was born.
But now onto the cute headcanons of Aphrodite!Percy
Being absolute dorks with his siblings.
Playing princess dress up with Lacy and letting her do his makeup
Getting teased mercilessly by Silena for his totally obvious crush on Annabeth.
Using his charmspeak to tease and flirt with Annabeth.
Annabeth and him being jokingly known as the ‘flower’ couple of the camp because she’s sunshine and he’s love even though they’re both scary af.
Percy speaking fluent french
Percy speaking fluent french to Annabeth
Percy knowing that he’s attractive and being overly dramatic with hair flips and posing.
Percy using his aphrodite-esque powers and looks to become suddenly extremely alluring to Annabeth – which she then blushes and punches him in the arm while he snickers.
Percy breaking the stigmas that go along with being a child of Aphrodite.
Whatever you do don’t think about Jack and Bitty out and about in Providence in fall or winter, and Bitty not having enough layers to keep warm or forgetting his jacket. So of course Jack gives Bitty his, and chirps him the whole time on being a southern boy and how big the jackets are on him. It happens a lot, actually, and Jack doesn’t notice because it’s not like he minds, but after like the tenth time, when Jack KNOWS Bitty had a jacket in his hands before they left the apartment, he asks about it
Don’t think about Bitty blushing down at his feet and fiddling with the too-long sleeves and admitting that after the first time he’s been ‘forgetting’ on purpose. Because he really liked wearing Jack’s jackets. He defends that they’re warm and he likes clothes a little big, thank you very much, but it isn’t until they’re alone again that he also admits that he just likes the smell of Jack’s cologne
And Jack’s brain takes like an hour to reboot after that but the next time they go out Jack doesn’t even put his own jacket on, he just holds it out for Bitty to slide into and they’re both happy and stupid and in love
what i do is not up to you 