yknow the more jk rowlings world falls apart in america (race relations, international history, population, etc) the more i like to think that america just straight up doesnt have the statute of secrecy. european countries are falling over themselves hiding magic but come to georgia and theres a drunk redneck wizard wingardium leviosa-ing the shit out of a tractor to the delight of his drunk redneck muggle buddies in a walmart parking lot.
wizard on muggle violence is prevented by virtue of there being like a 50/50 chance that muggle is packing heat. muggle on wizard violence is prevented by knowing that wizard can give you boils spelling LIL BITCH on your forehead if you try to start something.
america is the weird redheaded stepchild of the magic world.
im not gonna stop reblogging this until this is the next Hot Fanon
english muggles come back to england and suspicious wizards meet them at the airport.
‘did you witness any strange or inexplicable acts while you were in america?’ they demand.
the english muggles just laugh in their dumb fucking faces. mate, it’s america.
what’s the difference between a werewolf and an animagus?
english wizard: *two hour lecture on legal history*
american wizard: six beers
@jumpingjacktrash congrats ive read hundreds of comments on this dumpster fire of a headcanon and yours is the best
a concept: Harry Potter with his mother’s hair and father’s eyes instead of vice versa.
Harry with fiery dark red hair and soft hazel eyes please and thank you
i imagine this is how harry and draco’s first meeting would have gone then haha
can you imagine how much more confused arthur would have been in that scene where he first meets harry 😂
his eyes would probably sweep right over harry at the breakfast table, and then he would freeze and have to do a mental tally of his children
I can see Fred and George really going with it too…
“Come on Dad, don’t you remember Harry?” “Next you’ll tell us you don’t remember Craig” “Or Ethel” “Or Annie“ “Or Ryan”
philosopher’s stone: (5) three of the five are used by hagrid and an astonishing zero by harry. altogether an underwhelming turnout. (3/10)
chamber of secrets: (6) a good third of the “er”s are a result of lucius malfoy being a dick about hagrid’s hut. not a fan but still a better showing than the first book. (4/10)
prisoner of azkaban: (11) lupin enters the scene and the “er”s double, mostly because he is an awkward prince, but also because malfoy inherits his father’s cute quirk of being a dick to poor people. (6/10)
goblet of fire: (23) the er count skyrockets as harry hits puberty and becomes progressively more awkward. baby boy is growing up and has forgotten how to put a sentence together. also serves as a minor plot point with the sphinx’s riddle in the third task, giving er its well-deserved moment in the spotlight. (10/10)
order of the phoenix: (36) “So — so — they — er — they — er— they actually exist, do they — er — dementy-whatsits?”. excellent. still cannot comprehend what this sentence would actually sound like out loud. (9/10)
half-blood prince: (18) offsets the rising er trend which is disappointing. nothing to report other than harry is still unable to construct a sentence that does not contain ellipses (5/10)
deathly hallows: (8) hp is all grown up and has no need for speech disfluencies. brings a tear to the eye. (8/10)
headcanon that teddy lupin has a little “business” at hogwarts where he will change his appearance to someone and then go do whatever it is that person needs to do. like if someone needs to break up with their boyfriend but are too scared to do it, they’ll hire teddy and teddy will change into them and do it for them. or if they need to go serve detention but the professor is really shitty to that person and they can’t handle it, teddy will go to detention for them so that the person doesn’t have to deal with that professor. or if they are nervous about a date with someone, teddy will turn into that person so that they can practice talking to that person until they feel they can calmly do so. teddy just being a helpful person getting paid in sweets or tutoring or a drink in Hogsmeade
Teddy is not available to serve detentions with Professor Longbottom, who can recognize his mannerisms too well (“Honestly Teddy, your godfather makes that same face.”) or McGonagall, who took one look at him the first time he tried and announced that he could serve his own detention the next night.
I would like to be a Ravenclaw only because I want to be that Ravenclaw who opens the dorms for people with the worst ever answers to questions that are also correct, like
“Why is a raven like a writing desk” “They both have the letter R in them"
“What is the truth?” “The word with the letters T, R, U and H in it"
“What is the answer to this riddle?” “The answer to this riddle is the answer to this riddle, of course”
“What has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon and three legs at night?” “Not you, obviously”
“Which came first, the chicken or the egg?” “Well you just mentioned the chicken first, so by virtue of the order of your sentence, it’ll be the chicken. Also alphabetically.”
because if I were ever in Ravenclaw it won’t be for being smart, it’ll be for being a smartass
“Where do Vanished objects go?”
“Somewhere other than where they were Vanished from, duh.”
James and Lily have been dating for a couple months. It’s like their fifth fight and Lily cannot believe James and she says “are you–” but she catches herself and knows better than to say “serious” because he will make a joke about Sirius so she quick edits to “are you kidding” and he says, without paying attention “he’s Sirius, I’m james” and then he realizes his mistake and he’s not sure if he wants to marry her for knowing him so well or breakup with her because she doesn’t appreciate his puns
In their seventh fight James is pissed to high heaven at Lily for missing his Quidditch match which he did awesome at and yeah she feels a little guilty but she can’t help it that she’s a prefect and if a third year girl is crying and needs a walk to the infirmary lily is gonna help her and James says “you chose a 13-year-old girl over me? Are you serious rn?”
And without missing a beat lily says “he’s Sirius, I’m lily.”
And the entire common room goes quiet like everyone in a fucking dead hush and sirius, years later, tells the story at their wedding as “that was the moment I gave James my blessing to propose”
what i do is not up to you 