ok so what if Harry and Neville got into like this passive-aggressive lie-off regarding what a truly great man Severus Snape was like they got drunk and Harry was like ‘Snape though’ and Neville was like ‘I know right’ and Harry was like ‘what a… what a fantastic bastard. What a guy.’ and Neville was like ‘we should fuckin’ get him like, like… let’s have a funeral. A huge fucking fuck-off sized funeral with like, lilies, and, a marble coffin, and a big statue, an’ crying women, an’ all that shit’ and Harry got whiskey up his nose laughing so hard and he falls off his stool and just wheezes ‘lillies’
and then during the funeral Neville and Harry like spend the whole time trying to give a better eulogy like they keep getting back up after each other are done to try and have another go at it but then they get schooled by Hermione being like ‘for fuck’s sake boys this is how it’s done’ and she goes up to the podium and just bursts into wild banshee hysterics and throws herself across the glistening marble casket, sobbing ‘oh, it should have been me, would to god that it were me, you stallion of a professor’ and all the reporters tear up a little and then go home to pen really fervid biopics on this bleakly noble and tragically overlooked hero of the revolution
anyway like eighteen years later Harry names his kid after Severus and sends an owl off to Neville like ‘your move, mate’ and Nevill pauses in the middle of polishing the giant marble statue of Snape tenderly cuddling an armfull of adoring woodland creatures that dominates like 2/3 of his office to cuss a lot and pour himself another drink
Tag: harry potter
Hogwarts’ teacher’s reviews by Pottermore
I love Pottermore
I still laugh when I think about the fact that the Ministry of Magic employs people to come up with explanations for magic-related incidents for Muggles.
I need a mockumentary in the style of Parks & Rec about the Muggle-Worthy Excuse Committee sitting around a table brainstorming excuses as a floating quill and roll of parchment record everything. The Muggleborns on the committee constantly look into the camera like they’re on The Office.
“Minerva, you don’t have children…”
When James Potter was caught out of bed, pacing, wringing his hands, because his father was away on a mission (fight me), she had wrapped an arm around him and had escorted him into her office, whereupon she had given him tea and a biscuit, distracting him with talk of Quidditch.
“You don’t have children…”
She was one of the few people (outside the Marauders) who could see right through Sirius’ mask and when she saw him receive the envelope that contained a tiny piece of tapestry, she marched him into her office and told him that quite frankly, she was proud of him for having the strength to leave that horrid house, and that now he could show his true potential and “No, Mister B-Sirius, I don’t think you’ll ever have to worry about ending up in Azkaban because you’re not like them.”
“You don’t have children…”
Before there was a stag, a dog, and a rat, there was a cat, bravely entering the Shrieking Shack to make sure that Remus Lupin was all right. She stayed with him until dawn and sent him chocolate for a week thereafter.
“You don’t have children…”
She knew that Peter Pettigrew was going to cry before he did. She was trained in seeing the signs. And sure enough, he burst into tears, telling her that he might as well be a Squib. And she gave him a biscuit (he took two) before firmly telling him that he had the makings of a great wizard and he had loyal friends to boot.
“You don’t have children…”
She saw the Dark Mark on Regulus Black’s arm. She saw the fear in his eyes. And though he wasn’t one of her own, she still caught him in the corridor and told him that Sirius had spent the morning bragging about how quickly Regulus had captured the Snitch. Two minutes and thirty-seven seconds. It was a record. He interrupted her class at least seven times to talk about it. That’s how proud he was. And there was no mistaking the sparkle in Regulus’ eye, the skip in his step as he walked away.
“You don’t have children…”
She held Lily’s hand as Sirius and Remus fretted over a passed-out James. And with a scream, a push, and a cry, a new baby entered the world. Lily held him first, of course. And then he was passed to her, to hold close. She was the first one to mention that he had Lily’s eyes.
“You don’t have children…”
She protested, loudly, when he was placed with his aunt and uncle. She kept an eye on him at the schoolyard, using a bit of magic here and there to help him escape the bullies. She sent him his first broom. She cried when he caught the Snitch and again when he lay in the Hospital Wing. She did everything within her power to protect him. From jinxed brooms. From an escaped murderer. From a corrupted government. She watched over him for years. She screamed, louder than anyone, when she saw his dead body. And when the battle was over, she was the first to reach him, tears falling down her face.
“You don’t have children…”
She was there for James’ birth, for Albus’ birth (”Really, Potter, Albus?”) and for Lily’s birth. She came to Sunday brunch and she came to tea. She sent presents during Christmas and birthdays. She knew everyone’s favorite book, color, and food.
“You don’t have children…”
She was always there for him. She always would be.
“You don’t have children…”
She had dozens of children.
Including one very ungrateful son.
If I were a teacher at Hogwarts I would give and take points a lot, but I wouldn’t use multiples of 5.
“Thank you for your answer Emma. 3.76 points to Hufflepuff.”
“But professor, you can’t do that.”
“Shut up Ingo or I’ll take 45.00000001 points from Gryffindor.”
I found my blog from when I was 12 and this is the only good thing on it
the duality of granger
hermione: being expelled is literally Worse than Death you guys
hermione: the only logical solution to this problem is to set a teacher on fire
Gotta get back to Hogwarts (it’s Sept 1st!) ⚡️⚡️⚡️
GIR World by Moonprincess92
Harry Potter. NextGen. Romance. Ridiculousness. Shakespeare. Drama. Love.Getting it Right
Ok, this argument is
getting a little out of hand.Conclusion to Getting it Right
If there’s one thing
the Weasley’s know how to do, it’s have a good crisis!When James Met Libby
Don’t flirt with her?
Yeah, that sure as hell didn’t happen.That One Time I Fell In Love
… I think I am, what
they call, up shit creek.
ok my dashboard is dead i need to follow more folks and i want more omgcp fic, malec fic, avengers fic, and harry potter fic on my dash reblog if this describes yourself
That One Time I Fell In Love
(and other impossible things)“The name is Fred
Weasley (THE SECOND, BITCHES) and I am awesome. No, really, hang with me and
I’ll show ya a good time! I like hot chicken wings on a Friday night, hot
coffee and hot girls (not necessarily in that order). I will admit that I
occasionally set things on fire and have once jumped out of a window onto a
waiting broomstick. My dad is ginger, my mum is black, and I’ve got brown skin
somewhere in between. Crazy also tends to run in the family. I subscribe to
about six different magazines, none of which I even read, and once I broke both
my legs after juggling flammable objects next to a display of explosives. I
like a drink, I like meeting new people, and this is a story about that one
time I fell in love … and, y’know, other
impossible things.”
if you read cursed child and said to yourself “wow that scorrose was lazily shoehorned in and i feel cheated” then GO READ GIR-VERSE!!! you can find the first story in this verse here, click on the link to enjoy a fun rom-com of a fic featuring repressed emotions, bickering, and SHAKESPEARE IN HOGWARTS!