Concept: Some jackass shows Bucky how to make a blog and it becomes really popular. Not because it’s the blog of James Buchanan Barnes, American Legend, War Hero, Infamous Assassin, Alleged Terrorist. Nobody even knows it’s his blog. It gets really popular because people think it’s a really great shitpost generator or something. Because Bucky is just a Weird Fucking Person and everything he posts on his fucking personal blog comes off as somewhere between dril and Jaden Smith and people are like “this is some quality garbage right here” and thus Accidental Memelord Bucky is born.
Bucky posts things like
“What is wrong with bananas. I ate a banana today and it was Wrong. America why”
“Every time I put on my eye makeup it gets bigger. My whole face is eyeliner now.”
“Why does friendship feel so much like punching”
“When I wake up in the middle of the night I am either thinking ‘who am I? does my life have meaning?’ or “did I already eat all of the plums?’”
“Why are you so grumpy” they ask me. they do not realize this is just my Face.”
“I know i said i would give my left arm for a cup of coffee but i am more awake now and i would like my arm back please”
“I guess I must have done something horrible in a past life. I mean. I definitely did something horrible in this life, so. “
OMG I LOVEEEE
YEEESSSSSSS!
“Guy in front of me won’t move his car seat up. I think that might still be upset about all those times I tried to kill him.”
“Got lectured by a guy who had been complaining about how things were Back In The Day. I don’t understand why he got upset. I too lived through the Great Depression and was drafted for the War.”
“The economy in this century sucks. Who exactly though another Stock Market crash was a good idea?”
“Apparently, it was Rude™ of me to pitch in my two cents on a conversation I happened to overhear, despite agreeing with them. On an unrelated note, I am no longer allowed in the ceiling vents.”
“‘If you don’t behave we’ll send (mutual) after you.’ Jokes on them. I’m the one who trained them to be an assassin in the first place.”
“Tried to buy a Chicken Dinner candy bar at the supermarket today. Turns out they were discontinued 54 years ago. Super bummed.”
“Wait. People were on the moon?! We got into space? There is a way off of this rock?! Why am I only just hearing about this?!”
“’Have you been living under a rock the past 50 years?’ No I was cryogenically frozen for 70. I don’t appreciate your tone young man.”
“My friend likes convincing people that I’m the Reckless one in our friendship. As if he won’t find an alley behind a bar to pick a fight in if I take my eyes off him for two seconds.”
“Why would i want to get a haircut when instead I can look like i just returned from a 12 year jaunt in the wilderness every time i grow a beard”
“was having a hard time finding noodles in the grocery store & asked a clerk for help. she looked at me like a crazy person. lady, it’s not my fault you don’t speak russian”
“what kind of idiot thinks dancers are sissies? literally every ballerina i have ever met could kill an adult man with just her legs”
“today i discovered Conditioner. the future is a miracle and my hair like a cloud now”
“apparently just jumping on to a moving bus when you are running late is not a thing people do anymore. please stop yelling at me.”
“went to a club last night to see what the hip kids were into. apparently the latest thing is just having sex standing up with your clothes on in a room full of people.”
“on the one hand, people dressed much nicer in the 40s. on the other hand, yoga pants.”
“rode in a car with heated seats today. it is my house now. i live here.”
“i have acquired a small bear. i am putting a collar and leash on him. he is my dog. no one tell animal control”
“i am working on this whole Good Guy thing but anyone who cuts me in line at starbucks deserves to have their kneecaps shot out okay”
“why did they have to make escalators so terrifying to get on and off of? from now on I’m just jumping off the mall balconies. none of this awful moving teeth staircase”
“i don’t care if it’s a ‘priceless historical artifact,’ punk, i didn’t wanna do the dishes and it makes a pretty good spaghetti bowl”
“hoodie pockets are so great. i can fit like three sandwiches and a grenade in there and my hands are still warm”
“i really though we would have flying cars by now. the future is such a letdown.”
“changed sam’s ringtone to jesus take the wheel.”
“do you know that feeling when you go to lean on your short friend’s conveniently arm-rest-height shoulder but you forget they had a huge growth spurt and you just awkwardly lean your elbow into the middle of their bicep”
“i swear i didn’t know your girlfriend was coming over. i always ominously clean my assault weapons on the coffee table like that. it had nothing to do with you.”
Don’t judge, but I’ve been thinking back fondly a lot lately about the epic bounty of old memes and trends we had back in the day. A guide for those followers of mine who weren’t around yet, or a Throwback Friday for those of you who were, remember:
The Avengers gag reel
“COULSOOOOON NAAAAAUUUUUUUU”
Assvengers
Seriously the equal-opportunities fanservice and fixation on butts was a thing to behold
“Caw caw motherfucker”
Okay there were a lot of Hawkeye-bird jokes (this was before we met Sam Wilson) but that was probably the biggest one
Renner Stretches
The Hawkeye Initiative
“That’s my secret, Cap. I’m always angry.”
Thor loves Pop Tarts
“This _____, I like it! ANOTHER!”
SCIENCE BROS
Major ships: Stony, Clintasha, Thorki (aka Thunderfrost which, lbr, is the arguably the most badass ship name ever), Frostiron, Capsicoul
Also a LOT of people shipped Coulson and Hawkeye even though I don’t even remember them having screentime together? I’ve seen that ship referred to as Phlint like…once, but not at the time.
Chris Evans and his ridiculous shoulder-to-hip ratio
Left-boob grab (this one might actually still be a thing)
“I recognize the counsel has made a decision. But given that it’s a stupid-ass decision, I’ve elected to ignore it!” (this one I KNOW is still a thing)
“I understood that reference”
Crying forever over that deleted sequence of Steve learning that All My Friends Are Dead But Oh Hey Peggy’s Still Alive But I’m Too Afraid to Call Her and then going through the city being Forever Alone
The Superfamily AU where Steve and Tony raised a smol Peter Parker
Lokimania
holy
fucking
shit
I could probably make a separate post just for that but here goes
That famous Twitter convo where Tom Hiddleston and a Loki RPer were challenging each other and popularized “I DO WHAT I WANT”
I think like half his actual lines in the movie became memes on some level actually
“KNEEEEEEL”
“I am burdened with glorious purpose” and its many MANY remixes
“Tom sits like a whore” (aka what we called manspreading before that became A Problem)
L O K I ‘ D
The Loki’d Outtakes
Loki’d 2: The Return of Steve (like actually this was a real thing that happened)
Wendy
People coming together to make a fan book about Wendy for Tom’s birthday
That one picture of Tom in full Loki getup while holding Mjolnir and Cap’s shield
Loki and the Loon, the webcomic about Loki and Tom being roommates that spawned similar blogs for EVERY Avenger rooming with their actor. Almost none of them actually went anywhere, but the original Loki and the Loon was pretty great.
For real though, I’ve never seen any fandom obsession with an actor reach quite the fever pitch that we had with Tom Hiddleston, my god. Bendytoots probably came close though (this was before Ben’s Fall From Tumblr Grace. Tom is still well-regarded, but I think that part of the fandom has finally chilled out).
And lest we forget:
Tom in-character as Loki for SDCC (okay I’m pretty sure this one was later than 2012 but it was still a big fuckin deal when it happened)
Fic where all of the Avengers are trying to teach tech stuff to Steve (especially Tony who just gets so annoyed at his apparent tech incompetence) but he just seems super hopeless at it until one day one of them stumbles across a youtube account that’s filled with a series of videos titled ‘How Long Can I Keep My Friends Convinced I Have No Idea What Technology Is’ and it turns out he’s been gaming them for YT hits for months.
“How do I make the Google do the thing” has over 30 million hits alone.
It works even better if you put it in a universe where they all have secret identities, so rather than Captain America conning, say, Hawkeye, it’s just some super built dude who for some reason (probably that he’s blond) is vastly underestimated by his equally anonymous friends. A debate rages constantly in the comments about whether that guy IS Tony Stark or just a ringer.
a. Steve’s username is brooklyn1917 and the top question he keeps getting is “Are you really Captain America?” The other question is “Please tell us if you’re actually Chris Evans.”
b. Steve eventually makes a video to address these two questions. Except he basically spends the video laughing for like five minutes and then just smiles this ACTUAL LITTLE SHIT GRIN and then goes, “No, I’m not Chris Evans.” It drives his fans into a frothing frenzy.
c. After the “How Do I Make Google Do The Thing” debacle, the next most popular videos are “How Do I Get My Email Through YouTube?” and “Why is My Email Not in My Mailbox Outside My Door?” There are varying reactions among the Avengers for this. Natasha’s “I’m Going to Kill You Very Slowly™” Face is terrifying. Clint’s “There Is Not Enough Coffee In the World” Lament is priceless. And Tony…. well. Tony’s Rant is Lord of the Rings Epic with Fan Fiction thrown in.
d. Thor is the first person to figure out that Steve is a Little Shit™ and totally joins him on the Trolling.
e. Bruce was the one who actually discovered the YouTube channel. He was promptly bribed into silence by copious amounts of Sarah Rogers’ Patented Chocolate Fudge Magic Brownies™.
f. Bruce’s favorite video is the Instagram Saga, in which Steve Rogers Has Everyone Else Convinced That He Thinks This Is Really a Telegram Service.
g. Currently, Sam Wilson is about to be bribed into keeping silence and to aid and abet any and all shenanigans.
h. Peter Parker is one of Steve’s number one fans and is responsible for feeding Steve more ideas in his YouTube comments.
yeah.i didn’t make you. you read it, you broke it.blah bla-blah-bla-bla.
You know what’s stupid? The amount of people on this post who are blaming Tony for the Accords. He didn’t write them. He didn’t even come up with them. Being for the Accords doesn’t necessarily mean he agreed with everything that was written in them. During the scenes with Steve Rogers after Steve and Bucky had been apprehended in Romania, Tony talked to Steve and said that they were going to amend the Accords once the press calmed down and they had time to talk it through, but who had a hissy fit at the mention of Wanda? Tony? No. Steve did. Not Tony.
Tony didn’t “make the law” he was just following them. It is ultimately Clint’s choice to break the law. And Steve is a good boy. You know he gave Barton the option to opt out because Clint had family and he doesn’t wanna take him from that unless Clint is completely willing to break the law for Steve’s sake. Clint made the conscious choice to leave his family below the law and break it to help Steve. The only reason Barton is in there are his own actions, not Tony’s.
Tony is right in this gifset. Clint is in there for breaking the law. Does Tony want them in there? No. Obviously he doesn’t like seeing his friends in a prison meant for overpowered villains. His friends aren’t villains. He knows that and just because you have an overpowering hate towards Tony doesn’t mean you get to bend and change how he feels about stuff to fit your hating agenda.
Clint is in prison for his own actions. He made that choice and he got the consequences. Chill people.
But his face in the first gif. This open, vulnerable face, when he realizes that he’s gonna get blamed for this one, too. That they’re not going to even give him the benefit of the doubt. Like a wounded animal who knows more blows are coming from people he let in and holds dear.
Just leaving this here to point out the obvious stupid.
Clint fucked up. Full stop. He chose to leave his family for a woman who didn’t need his help and on Captain America’s say so. That’s on him, not Tony. Consequences, honey. He made his choice – time to own up to the results, whether he likes them or not. But no… Everything is still on Tony, because Tony is apparently God and has absolute power over everything in the world. What the fuck ever.
ok look i know its not comic canon but ever since i found out pietro and wanda were jewish (back when all i knew was x-men evolution) i’ve wanted them to be buds with kitty pryde
we are several years a couple of movies and so many comics past that point but, i still want it
the maximoffs are jewish mutants and need to have jewish mutant seders with kitty that is all bYe
Headcanon that Magneto “kidnaps” all Jewish mutants – and probably several Jewish non-mutant heroes for a Seder every year, because he knows it’s the only way they’ll be able to make the time for it, since there’s villains attacking every two seconds.
The Avengers and X-men track down their missing teammates roughly around the time of “Chad Gadya”.
I would read this comic
R-who-is-not-on-Tumblr and I have QUESTIONS
Does using a mutant power count as work? Is it enough to not actively use your power, or would really Orthodox mutants look for a temporary suppressant?
Who would be the Shabbos non-Jew for Magneto? I mean, Charles, obviously, back in the day, but now? Pyro, maybe? 99.9% sure Nightcrawler would be there for Kitty.
Would creating this as a LARP be as amazing as I think?
Don’t forget Ben Grimm in your Jewish Marvel Characters group.
When did this blow up
anyway Kurt is def the Shabbos goy for Kitty bc Kitty is the guardian of whatever he gives up for Lent
Magneto probably got Toad to do that during the brotherhood days but who knows
Ben Grimm is the uncle who hides the afikoman in the same place every year
anyway if someone does the art I’ll write this marvel hire me
Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes talking post-mission stuff when suddenly, Bucky’s metal arm points upwards and he winds up being carried away. The last thing he hears Bucky yell before he disappears into the sky behind Magneto is “I RSVP’d this year, Magnus! This really isn’t – “
“It’s tradition that I kidnap you, Barnes. And after all, tonight is all about tradition!”
i have just been informed moon knightis also jewish so i will be reading all his comics immediately
anyway imagine patrilineal bobby drake mind his own business doing x-men business like teaching kids how to kill things with their powers when suddenly
nYOOOOOOM
and he’s gone
on the ground there’s a note like
“you’re invited to the maximoff family seder 5776, please RSVP and indicate preferred method of kidnapping”
and there are little boxes next to options like “reality portal” “speedster pickup” “metal”
did someone say they need a rromani jewish artist? SUP GUYS
you me wombatking lets make this happen
Dr. Walter Langkowski drops by from Canada. No one bats an eyelash when the 8-foot-tall Sasquatch walks in. It’s not even in the top ten bizarre things that happen when Magneto hosts his annual seder.
If this actually becomes a comic I will buy 20. I know a lot of people I need to gift it to.
it’s almost passover, i’m bringing this shiz back
ok but I want to know more about how Magneto leads the Seder
is his style “mumblerush through all the liturgical text as fast as possible and skip bits if everyone is bored” or “every single word gets read aloud and translated since most of us don’t know a lot of Hebrew” or “find a new variant text every year to keep things interesting” or what
does he pick individuals at the table to take turns reading aloud (and assign the bit about the Wicked Son to whoever he’s most annoyed with at the moment)
is there singing
Um. This is fairly obvious, I think. There’s a tradition of leftist seders, of feminist seders, of stonewall seders. A family we regularly did a seder with at least two years out of three had half the wobblie songbook at the back of their hagadah.
Magneto would run a MUTANT SEDER. It would have a lot of the liturgy, but not all and not strictly (no one is going to argue Magnus is particularly observant) but it would also have a lot of sidenotes about the oppression and coming liberation of the Mutants. A reading about Genosha-as-Mitzrayim. A genetic sample on the seder plate. A reading about inviting all mutants in to come eat and how Eliyahu is probably masquerading as a Morlock with teleportation powers. Very pointed shade thrown at En Sabah Nur. “If he had destroyed Master Mold and not returned the Phoenix Force Dayyenu If he had returned the Phoenix Force and not restarted mutant births Dayyenu.”
Moon Knight is, of course, always embarrassed during the seder. He’s Jewish, but he’s also the champion of an Egyptian god, so he’s very conflicted about the liturgy, especially the plague of darkness, which seems to offend the patron of travelers-by-night.
Billy brings Teddy, and they’re both happy to be there, but they don’t sit near Wanda – he just can’t deal sometimes and neither can she.
This – not Christmas, not any other day of the year – is the one day nobody starts shit. After all. We have literally seen God in the Marvel Context and He’s LITERALLY JEWISH.
(full disclosure: I may have been hoping someone would go there)
Attempts to retell the Pesach story descending into actual physical brawls over whether Moses was a mutant, tho.
“Well what was his power then?”
“He floated as a baby!”
“Oh come on, first of all, he was in a basket, second of all, who has power as an infant?”
“Jamie, for one.”
“You believe his story about the doctor? Come on,”
“Guys, guys – Moshe had water control powers. Helped him float as an infant. All the plagues can be done with water control. Then he splits the sea and makes water come out of a rock. Moshe was totally a hydrokinetic.”
“I suppose you’re going to say Miriam had precognition?”
“Sure, why not. And midrash supports Aaron having persuasion powers.”
“This is ridiculous.”
“No, look – two siblings with related powers growing up under oppression. As adults, they discover they have a third sibling, with unrelated powers, vastly stronger than theirs, who radically changes the course of their lives.”
*all think about the Braddocks, Summers, Rasputins, Romanovs, Xavier, Nathan Summers and His Merry Band of Clones, and probably a couple I’m forgetting because DAMN MARVEL*
what i do is not up to you 