shitty-check-please-aus:

bonitabreezy:

Jack grows up in awe of his parents.  They’re incredible.  They super heroes.  His father, part of the five percent of the population that inherited both parents’ powers, and his mother with the incredible ability to shapeshift into anything she can imagine.   People from all over the world watch them, Bad Bob and Glamour, and they love them.  The Superhero community looks up to them, watching their every move.  Jack is eight when he realizes that they’re all watching him too.

They want to know if he’ll inherit two powers like his father did.  They want to know if he’ll inherit all three.  They want to know if he’ll live up to his parents’ legacy, if he’s training already to become a protector like they are.  They want to know how two people as gorgeous as his parents had such a homely looking little boy.

He’d heard that question exactly once, muttered from one woman to another at a meeting his parents had dragged him along to.  He didn’t have super hearing, but he didn’t need to.  His mother had swept in and lead him away, glaring at the women with literal flames in her eyes, but it was too late for Jack to unhear it.  The older he gets, the more he hears all about himself.  How disappointing it is that he didn’t appear to have any powers at all.  How his parents must be so devastated.  How odd and antisocial the Zimmermann boy is.

He hates to look at himself, hates to think about super powers and how loved and respected his father is.  How unloved and disrespected he is.  The kids at the meetings are like sharks smelling blood, and they always have a barbed comment for him.  They’ve got tons of names for him, ranging from Fatso to Muggle, and the worst part is, he doesn’t know if hates them or himself more. 

One night, as he’s falling asleep, he thinks about how beautiful his mother is and the way he always feels so loved when she smiles at him and her blue eyes crinkle at the corners.  He wishes he could look more like her.

In the morning, when he’s brushing his teeth, he accidentally catches his own eyes in the mirror, and they’re the same bright shade of blue as his mother’s.   He pauses, stares, and watches as they fade back into the same dull gray color they’ve always been.  His heart skips a beat, and he drags up the image of his mother’s eyes again.  He thinks about them being his, and then they are.

His heart starts pounding then, and he focuses on his chin then.  It’s rounded and not really defined from his neck like it should be. (”More Chins than a Chinese phone book” the boys at the meetings jeer).  He thinks of his father then, and his strong, defined jawline.  It’s more of a struggle to change his face than to change the color of his eyes.  He can only get his chin to define a little bit before he loses control and his face snaps back to normal.

He’s disappointed, but determined to get better.  When he goes to school, his eyes are still blue.

He learns to control it, a little bit at a time.  He’d probably do better if he’d ask his mother for help, but he strangely doesn’t want to tell her.  She can shape-shift into anything she wants, from a different face to a dog to a tank, once.  Jack only seems to be able to change how he looks.  Even with the same power, he’s not as good as his parents.  Not as capable or as skilled.  But he likes his power, and likes how it helps him hide, so he doesn’t bring it up.  He doesn’t need to hear other peoples’ derision on top of his own.

Soon, though, he can change his whole face, and later on, he can make himself, taller, shorter, thinner and fatter, older and younger, whatever he wants.  He likes to go out like that, glamoured to look like a little old man or a soccer mom.  No one looks at him.  No one hisses under their breaths about what a failure he is, and how disappointed his parents must be in him.  He loves the freedom it affords him.  His parents are busy and he doesn’t see them often, so he spends most of his time in glamour as he turns thirteen, switching between faces and hair colors and skin tones and noses.   It’s only when his mother looks at him one day on a rare evening off and comments on how well he’s grown into his nose that he realizes he got it wrong.  Its the same nose he’s been shifting back to for his “default” stage for weeks, and he has it wrong.

He spends the night trying desperately to remember what his nose used to look like, wishing that he hadn’t insisted on avoiding cameras all throughout his childhood so he could remember.  But there are no pictures, and Jack can’t remember.  The more he thinks about it, the more he realizes he doesn’t really know what he looked like before.  He avoided mirrors just as much as avoided cameras.  He knows he was fat and “homely” and that his eyes were gray, but he can’t remember the exact shade.  He can’t remember the exact curve of his nose or the line of his jaw or the shape of his lips.  He can’t remember what he really looks like, and apparently, neither can anyone else.

So he comes up with a new face, taken on slowly over puberty so it’s less suspicious.  He studies pictures of his father and his strong jaw line and his Grecian nose.  He takes on his mother’s sharp cheekbones and blue eyes.  He switches back and forth between them on the shape of his mouth for a while, not sure if his mother’s full lips or his father’s crooked smile is better.  Eventually he settles on his father’s smile, and he he has his new face.  

He takes a picture so he won’t forget.

It’s the face he wears around his parents and the one he reverts to when people expect to be talking to Jack Zimmermann and not a random stranger on the street.  It’s the face he wears when he starts at Sky High, and it’s the face he’s wearing the first time he meets Eric Bittle.

HOLY SHIT A SKY HIGH AU MY LIFE IS MADE

Five times Jack Zimmermann slept with Justin Trudeau, apparently

des-zimbits:

audiaphilios:

stultiloquentia:

des-zimbits:

labelleizzy:

des-zimbits:

Headcanon developed in the #omgchatplease IRC channel:

Zimms/Parse fandom was at its full flower in 2009, blooming and beautiful. Then Jack overdosed and completely dropped off media radar. Fans didn’t know what to do! There was a brief “IT’S OUR FAULT, HE COULDN’T TAKE THE MEDIA PRESSURE” wankstorm and most fans dropped out and faded away, or followed Parse into NHL RPF.

But oh, the holdouts.

Jack only got into the media once in his year away, when he attended a charity fundraiser his parents were very involved in and stood next to Justin Trudeau for five minutes. A photographer from the social page in Macleans came by and they smiled and posed for a picture, which was of course published.

The fandom holdouts went: OMG THEY BOTH UNDERSTAND WHAT IT IS TO BE THE SONS OF GREAT MEN!!! SOULMATES FOREVER!!!

AUs the fandom has known:

  • The arranged political marriage AU
  • The drunken hookup in a Montreal gay bar AU that ends up with curtainy babyfic
  • The 400k Very Srs Epic where Jack becomes Canada’s leading political spouse and you can tell the author, although not Canadian, did a LOT of research. When Trudeau is actually elected she comes back to fandom for the first time since her baby was born just to flail and cry over everyone.
  • The Arthurianesque fantasy inspired-by-Merlin AU where Justin is the kingdom of Ottawa’s crown prince and Jack is his magical advisor and one true love
  • The dystopian AU where the USA has invaded Canada and Justin is the leader of the Resistance and Jack is his brilliant military strategist who goes out and dares much and is desperately in love with his leader who has to stay behind and pray Jack comes back safely, but also there’s this heartbreaking part where Jack has engineered a sabotage where his guys pretend to get captured and smuggle super secret bombs into the American stronghold, but the American base commander proposes an exchange of hostages Jack willingly agrees to to get his guys back before they blow the place and it’s happy because you thought it was gonna be a suicide mission, except at the exchange they realize the American base commander is KENT PARSON and Jack can’t, he just can’t, even if it means his country is forever doomed, but he HAS TO and he DOES and Bitty started reading it as a joke but he can’t put his phone down and it’s 3am and he’s crying so hard and he will never tell Jack about this, never.

I DON’T KNOW IF I LOVE YOU OR HATE YOU, OP!!

;P When it comes to this post, I don’t know if I love or hate myself either.

Some of y’all need this post in your lives even if you don’t give two farts about Check Please.

Oh holy night. I need to read all these fics, but mostly that last one. I would read that SO HARD.

I feel the need to point out the comic series We Stand on Guard, and the TV series Okkupert, which seems to be a similar conceit, only with Norway and Russia instead of Canada and America.

concept

omg-hockeyboys:

idk if this exists already but

okay so I’ve read (and loved!) quite a few fics now where zimbits are out publicly and the falcs are playing a game where one of the opposing team members says something derogatory/awful about bitty to jack without the refs hearing and jack just immediately gets thrown in the sin bin for kicking the guy’s ass and it got me thinking

what if it was the other way around?

what if it’s a samwell game and some punk ass douchebro from the visiting team decides to make a nasty comment about jack to bitty (for his sexuality or the OD or smth) and the next thing anybody knows is bitty’s gloves are on the ice and the winger who opened his mouth has a split lip to show for it? and here’s the thing, bitty isn’t generally a violent person, and it’s not like what this dude is saying hasn’t been thrown in jack’s own face already. but like, bits is just so, so tired of every athlete, fan, and sports commentator who have any knowledge of hockey ripping into jack like they know anything about him. like, bitty can take the slurs when they’re directed at him bc he (sadly) is used to it after growing up in georgia. but he’ll be damned if anyone is going to badmouth his loving, kind, generous, and extremely hardworking boyfriend in front of him. not anymore.

beka-tiddalik:

madlori:

itsybittle:

itsybittle:

ziimmermanns:

I’m just saying

Eric Richard “Bitty” Bittle would absolutely destroy the competition if he ever competed on cutthroat kitchen because he would seem to be this sweet little baker to the other contestants and then it would switch to the personal commentary and he would have this terrifying smile on his face and he would just say “my boyfriend is an NHL star and I have my own restaurant I don’t need the money I am going to win this” and then he just comes out and kills every challenge and is still this sweet little baker boy and everyone is stunned

when bitty wins he just smiles and congratulates the other competitors and he still acts so sweet and innocent and says he’s gonna go donate everything to charity and everyone loves him

alton brown has never been this impressed and scared in his life

Bitty would be great because you would think he’s sweet and adorable and about to get steam rolled into the first round, and then surprise, he is the definition of cutthroat.

“I used to play hockey with my husband back in College, and I kind of miss that feeling of completely crushing your opponents.” (Later on you find out his husband is an NHL player…)

“Tiffany thinks she can get into my head, but bless her heart, she has no clue what she’s doing.”

Also, imagine one of the challenges is them cooking with their families, and everybody is expecting him to bring his NHL husband.

Bitty looks at the camera and starts laughing. “Oh Lord, no, absolutely no. I love Jack and he has gotten a lot better at following instructions, but I came here to win and I’m afraid Jack just doesn’t have what it takes to work in my kitchen. I brought the big guns.”

Bitty introduces Moo-Maw, who looks like a delicate little old lady and is about 80, and everybody is side eyeing him because of his choice, and then the competition start and Moo-Maw fucking throws down.

The two of them are like a hurricane in the kitchen and while they cook they have enough time to gossip/share stories.

“When are you and Jack giving me some great-grandbabies Eric?”

“Moo-Maw please not now.”

“I am not getting any younger you know! I am old and who knows how much time I have left in this world,” she says while smashing nuts with the wooden hammer and making the whole counter rattle. The camera man takes a step back.

Jack gets interviewed and somebody asks what he thinks of that “not having what it takes to cook in his husband’s kitchen comment.”

He just look at the reporter very seriously and replies. “I once helped with thanksgiving dinner and I have never feared for my safety like I did that day. My only job was doing the mash potatoes.”

I need someone to write more of this, like, yesterday.

Bitty is a strong baker in general, but quickly apparent to the other participants is that he is incredible at any of the challenges involving having to bake using random ingredients. 

The other participants notice this pretty quickly, and ask him his secret. He just laughs and explains that when you’ve got a team of random hockey boys filling the fridge with all sorts of random odds and ends that suddenly need to be cooked to avoid wastage, you learn to adapt. They all think he’s exaggerating until he tells them the story about the avocado, bacon and cheese muffins with tabasco and the zucchini and apple cake.

The best part is when the story makes it to social media and then the rest of the Samwell alumni from the Haus both confirm that these dishes really happened and want to know how come Bitty hasn’t told anyone about the Peanut Butter Banana Bread with Maple Glaze that he made that one time because he thought Jack sounded homesick.

(Jack explains to them that they are all dead to him because now his nutritionist has added this too to Jack’s banned food list. 😦 )

And then there’s this one time that the oven isn’t working right, and Bitty figures this out pretty quickly, but also manages to salvage his dish and go on to win the round.

Alton Brown: “…that oven was malfunctioning.”

Bitty: “Oh heavens, compared to old Betsy, that was nothing!”

Other contestants: <are increasingly convinced that Bitty is a baking witch.>

not-the-very-button:

@tarmac-like-arteries and I love to cause each other massive amounts of pain with Check Please headcanons because we LIVE to S U F F E R and this is one of my better ideas. 

So by the time 2016 rolls around, Bitty and Jack are out to the public. After the heat dies down a little, someone (maybe the PR team, maybe Bitty, maybe Tater, maybe all three) convinces Jack he needs a social media presence. So he gets a twitter. He mostly just retweets the @FalcsOfficial account and posts artsy photos and he is the softest of bros. 

After Trump makes his locker room comment, Shitty absolutely loses his fucking cool. He goes on this huge twitter rant about rape culture and toxic masculinity and how those with privilege have a responsibility to cultivate a safe space for marginalized identities. He gets into sports culture and “locker room talk.” He calls out Trump’s racist garbage and all the Republicans just NOW pulling their support. Jack retweets a string of those tweets and in doing so incites a fucking SHIT STORM. At some point someone @s him:

Snorticia Adams @boxofrocks4u

@JLZimmermann Who would even WANT to share a locker room with that sentient yam?

Jack Zimmermann @JLZimmermann 

@boxofrocks4u I’d rather change on the ice.

Eric Bittle @omgcheckplease 

@JLZimmermann @boxofrocks4u  Okay 

👀

There are like ten Buzzfeed articles about this by the end of the day and Tumblr loses its goddamn mind. Jack just keeps getting all of these angry tweets about how he should stay out of politics and stick to hockey. Of course eventually some slurs and general derogatory shit gets thrown around and Jack eventually responds:


Jack Zimmermann
@JLZimmermann

A lot of people are tweeting me to let me know they’re shocked by my political leanings.

Jack Zimmermann @JLZimmermann

I don’t know what they expected. I’m a bisexual Canadian. 

Jack Zimmermann @JLZimmermann

Also fuck Trump.

Shitty Knight @Mr.Shitty 

@JLZimmermann I’M SO PROUD OF YOU. WE’RE GETTING MARRIED, YOU FUCKING ADONIS.

Eric Bittle @omgcheckplease

@JLZimmermann 

Is twelve pies too many pies? Too late. I’ve made my boyfriend twelve pies. 

Providence Falconers @FalcsOfficial

@omgcheckplease

@JLZimmermann This is why the dietitians are always yelling at you, Zimmboni.

sinakin:

holycaribous:

jackzimmermannn:

alrightshittyknight:

I just really love the idea of NHL Jack (AU where he never went to Samwell) taking a check into the glass way too hard during a game and the glass shatters and he goes completely through and is suddenly in the lap of our wonderful Southern Bell Eric Bittle
And Eric of course is just like “???????? are you ok????”
And Jack is just looking at him like “holy shit who are you and why have we never met”

But alternatively, I love Eric being like “!!!!!!AHHHHHH!!!!!” (Because when that shit happens in real hockey holy shit it gets fucking hype like 0 to 100 real fast) and just smiling and laughing and screaming
And Jack is still just in awe

But like, Jack is tough. He’s dealt with stress fractures, bruising, [insert sports injury here]. The glass shattering was a fluke, he hit it at just the right angle so it looked a lot worse than it actually was. The impact was the worst part, and really, if you can’t take a hit from a check what are you even doing playing hockey (*cough*EricBittle*cough*).

So Jack shatters the glass and tumbles on through (the clip of this happens to go viral and he’s forced to listen to his teammates sing “He came in like a wrecking ball!!!!!” for the next two weeks). He’s struggling to right himself when he looks up and there is Human Sun™️ Eric Bittle looking completely horrified (I mean the boy is scared of checking. I would think being checked through arena glass is probably his worst nightmare). It’s basically Bitty losing his mind and Jack trying to work the Zimmermann charm.

“AhhHHHHH!!!!!”

“Nice jersey *(It’s Jack’s)*. You’re a big Zimmermann fan, eh?”

“Lord help me. There’s GLASS!! IN! YOUR! FACE!”

Jack stands up and is trying to very seriously talk and flirt with Bitty but Bitty is literally pressed against his seat, still losing his shit.

“I’m fine, really. Looks like the extra lifting from this week paid off. *(READ: I’m strong. Look how strong I am. Notice me.)”

“IS THERE A MEDIC?!? WE NEED A MEDIC?!?!!”

*Climbing back over the barrier onto the ice despite both Bitty’s and the medic’s (who has now arrived) protestations* “Maybe we’ll get to talk later. I have to go finish something.” 

“I KNOW. THIS IS YOUR HOCKEY GAME.”

Even after being forced off the ice by a combination of Guy and the medic in order to patch his face up, Jack was still kind of in a daze.

“Did you see him, did you catch his name, how many points do we have now?”

“Jack you have to stop talking, its making it hard for me to stitch your face up.”

“Don’t worry it doesn’t hurt-ow!”

“There, Zimmboni, you’re lucky that you don’t have a concussion you only needed two stitches.”

“Good, let me back on the ice.”

Except Jack forgot that 1) they had given him some pain killers that reacts with his anxiety meds and makes him kind of loopy so even if the situation allowed it he’d have to wait until the last period to actually get on the ice and 2) the situation didnt allow for anyone to be on the ice because the glass is being fixed because SOMEONE HULK SMASHED INTO IT

He almost fucking sprints into the rink. The score hasn’t changed, mostly because the part of the rink with the broken glass was still being fixed. The blonde boy was still sitting there, and jack feels himself getting one (getting gone is a phrase i just made up it’s a thing now you get gone on someone). Fucking skates up there despite everyone going “Jack no stop” and tries to wink at the cute blond (it fails, one eyelid immediately follows the other eyelid)

“Hi I’m Jack Zimmermann.”

Bitty doesn’t know whether to laugh or to scream so he just laughs. “I know.”

“Nice game we have here tonight, eh?” at which point he’s being led away from the warmest sunniest looking boy he’s ever seen by Guy again. it’s like one of those youtube videos where the father leads his tiny toddler across the ice, except the toddler is a 6′1′’ giant and is trying to wink. “Guy i don’t know his name, and i have a hockey game to finish stop dragging me away from the ice.”

and then after the game jack goes and finds bitty before even getting out of his skates and almost slips before beginning to chat up bitty who’s all like ??? why me ??? and then bitty is like “ok ok what’s your number” and jack is so whipped and still a little loopy that he fuckign says the number on his jersey and they says what’s yours and bitty just mutters “at least you’re cute” while scrawling his number on a piece of paper for jack to take and jack has never been happier with a hockey injury

lardo4lyfe:

Ok. So. First watch this video. See all the Tols throw the Smol. Then tell me this isn’t THE PERFECT sport for a Check Please! AU. I’m obsessed and I need to bring everyone else down with me. 

Obviously Bitty is the Smol. The Smol who gets thrown around by the rest of the team, who encourages them to go with more upbeat/dance music (all the other teams have super srs ~dramatic~ music). Rans & Holster are the other “bases”, along with Jack. Who maybe had to help Bitty overcome a fear of getting dropped?? 

image

And THEN! The hair ruffle! And the kiss & cry reaction! 

image
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I JUST!!! If any sport deserves a Check Please! AU, it’s this one. Please someone write it for me. And don’t worry, I found niche gymnastics sports for the rest of the team too. 

Dex & Nursey originally each had their own trampoline routines, but when the coaches saw their similar builds, they asked them to try synchro. Neither Dex or Nursey was thrilled about this, but they both had to admit their timing was impeccable. Even if practices were a nightmare. But over time they got over their differences, and damn if they weren’t some of the best in the world. 

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Shitty puts all of his focus into two jumps on the DMT (double mini trampoline.) He’s all about the quick & dirty.

And of course Chowder, my sweet little bundle of bouncing, terrifyingly focused energy. He does tumbling runs, and it’s honestly unbelievable what he accomplishes on those runs.

So in this sport it’s plausible that Lardo would participate? Honestly I don’t think she would though. I think her parents pressured her into gymnastics and while she was decent, she was never interested in pushing herself as hard as her parents wanted to. So she’s still involved with the sport through managing the team, to please her family, but she’s much more passionate about her art.