So the REASON I want a Zimbits baby acquisition fic (if I can get over my issues and get there) is because I think if Jack and Bitty were deliberately planning to get a baby, it would all be very deliberately timed and planned and they’d have all the support they needed like the overachieving perfectionist freaks they are.
OTOH if Jack’s 35-year-old cousin is like “So I just found out I’m pregnant and I’m not aversive to carrying to term BUT I know I’m pretty solidly childfree, free baby one-time offer?” then they kind of have to jump on that, even IF the baby is born in August literally 2 days before the Falconers start their training camp and Bitty is less than three months into his First Real Grownup Job. It’s a bit of a mess, it’s a bit of a scramble, Suzanne moves into their guest bedroom for the first month, it’s all very stressful.
So when Jack tears a ligament in his knee at the beginning of the season he’s a little bit… relieved? to be benched for a bit. Like yes, there is a bit of Hockey Robot Lost His Function Oh Noes, but on the other hand he gets to spend more time with his daughter. They live the bassinet-in-the-weight-room, post-lunch co-nap lifestyle.
Jack cuts quite a figure at one of their home games, accessorizing a Versace suit with aluminum crutches, a diaper bag, and a baby sling. The Falconers had released a discreet announcement that Jack and Eric were new parents, but given out few details. Jack sits in the players’ box and feeds her a bottle during the first period. Everybody notices. During one of the commercial breaks the Jumbotron shows a tweet: “Is the #zimmbaby going in the next #pornforwomen book?”
Tag: check please
Team Trophy Husband Jack
I honestly now want the fic where Jack might be an extremely successful hockey player, etc, but for the rest of the world who don’t follow NHL and sport news, he’s Eric Bittle’s trophy husband.
Eric Bittle, who has his own Cooking Show, a Baking Contest Reality TV spin off, a chain of bakeries expanding all over the country, a series of books, and is a guest editor in some cooking magazines.
He’s Beyonce’s go to guy for Blue Ivy’s birthday cakes.
So yeah, his husband married him for the money. Never mind that they are college sweethearts and they married before Bitty had his big break.
And Bitty married him for his good looks. I mean Jack looks like a model, has that amazing bod and booty and is pretty much silent anytime they are in front of the cameras, it is clear he’s the classic dumb jock stereotype.
Bitty always gets extremely offended by that, Jack thinks it’s hilarious. He might play it up sometimes just to get out of interviews.
Jack always endlessly amused that the paparazzi that follow them are there for Bitty. They don’t particularly care about Jack. Their photos appear in the magazines as “Eric Bittle and husband.”
Jack has managed his life long dream of achieving invisibility in the media by marrying somebody who overshadows him. It is everything he ever wanted. He brags about it to anybody who will listen.
Bitty remains annoyed.
Once they are home, after going to a premiere of something/red carpet event.
“You have won 3 Stanley Cups! One two weeks ago! Why don’t they ask you about that? They only asked you what you were wearing!”
“Hugo Boss” Jack says without missing a bit.
“You could try not to make it so easy for them.”
“Fall Collection.”
“You are enjoying this too much.”
“Besides Bitty, you ordered a Pumpkin Spice drink today and went to do your own grocery shopping, how could I compare to that?”
“Jack this isn’t funny! I’m proud of you and I want them to know that.”
“I’m proud of you too, I mean, look at you walking down the street with sunglasses on.”
“I hate you.”
“Oh look, you are cheating on me with Shitty, Ransom, and Chowder… oh, also with Lardo? Bitty, I could forgive the first three, but not Lardo!”
“That’s it, you cannot buy anymore tabloids.”
“But Bitty! This magazine says we are getting a divorce! If I hadn’t bought the magazine, I wouldn’t have known to start packing my bags. Also, I apparently didn’t sign any prenup, so you owe me a lot of money.”
“I might leave you for Lardo after all.”
no offense guys but think about this for a second:
Kindergarten teacher Eric Bittle.
Kindergarten teacher Mr Bittle who is bright and energetic and loves children and taking care of “his kids”.
Kindergarten teacher Mr Bittle who calls his kids “Mr Bittle’s Bumblebees” and has a sign on his door that says “Welcome to the honey comb! We are busy bees but please come in!”
Kindergarten teacher Mr Bittle who has his friends volunteering in his classroom on a rotating weekly basis.
Kindergarten teacher Mr Bittle whose classroom is painted yellow and has red gingham curtains with pies on the borders.
Kindergarten teacher Mr Bittle who celebrates the 100th day of school by taking his bumblebees to meet the Falcs and learn to skate.
Kindergarten teacher Mr Bittle who talks about hockey a lot and who gives out “penalties” at the table next to his desk when someone needs a moment to cool down. “Joey you look upset. Here bud, do you need two minutes?” “Layla we have to share crayons with our friends! Come take two to remember that!” “Ben no throwing cars, kiddo! How about you take two?”
Kindergarten teacher Mr Bittle whose classroom always smells like fresh baked bread and who celebrates Friday with pie.
Kindergarten teacher Mr Bittle who sings and dances with his students and who joins in when his kids greet Jack with a rousing rendition of “The Hockey Song” when he come into for show and tell. Mr Bittle who brings Jack in after they watch inside out because he offers to talk about feelings to the little ones. Mr Bittle who is so touched by this that he brings in tiny maple apple pie bites for the class and for Jack because his husband is swawesome.
Kindergarten teacher Eric Bittle who teaches skating lessons for his kids in return for parents volunteering with classroom activities.
Kindergarten teacher Eric Bittle who takes his kids on a field trip to the high school home ec class so his kids can bake cupcakes and the high schoolers get some experience with the small ones.
Kindergarten teacher Eric Bittle who uses kindness to teach those early life lessons, who bakes cupcakes for birthdays and class parties and drags his hubby to chaperone field trips to the zoo and the beach and the aquarium.
Kindergarten teacher Eric Bittle who gets with the Falcs every year to get the kids and their families to a home game and give them “homework” of writing down as many jersey numbers as they can. Who spends the next Monday making each kid a paper jersey to hang up on the walls for art time.
Kindergarten teacher Eric Bittle who wears fun patterned bow ties on Wednesdays and can throw a football and play street hockey and fix the rip on one of the dress up clothes and teaches the little ones “the best mud pie recipe you’ll ever know. My moo maw taught me this y’all.” And then proceeds to get into the dirt to teach about bugs and worms and plants.
Kindergarten teacher Eric Bittle who cries on the last day of school during Kindergarten graduation because he loves his kids.
Kindergarten teacher Eric Bittle who cries and then smiles because year after year that he teaches, the back of the room at graduation is a mix of former Samwell hockey players and current Falcs who wear their game day best and hand out diplomas and fix tiny hats and curls and wipe away tears.Just kindergarten teacher Eric Bittle who loves getting to build these foundations for his little ones and enjoys taking care of two dozen tiny people during their first year of school. Who loves seeing his kids when they come back to visit. Who encourages them to volunteer their time in his classroom when they get to high school.
Just kindergarten teacher Eric Bittle who has so much love to give the world, so he gives it by teaching tiny ones.
Jack Zimmermann and the Superfan
What I really really want is for Jack Zimmermann to be doing PR and meeting fans and there’s a person in line who is just vibrating in excitement.
- Jack sees them down a few people back in the line and mentally starts preparing himself for this encounter (he dealt with Chowder for a year, he can do this, right?)
- So when the person gets to the front of the line, Jack smiles his media smile, all big and fake, but inviting and the person is all, “OH MY GOD! YOU’RE JACK ZIMMERMANN!”
- and Jack starts to say something, but– “OH MY GOD. YOU KNOW ERIC BITTLE!
- And Jack has an internal freak out, because random person knows my boyfriend, what do i do? WHAT DO I DO?
- And person is all, “CAN YOU GIVE ERIC BITTLE THIS ROLLING PIN? Please? I won my county fair pie baking contest from watching his vlog and he’s amazing and my hero and omg!” *breaks into tears because they met someone who’s met their fav* and is basically #nochill
- All the other Falconer’s are looking at the scene like, wtf is even happening right now? Why is there a rolling pin and a crying person in front of Zimmermann? (Tater went to the bathroom or something)
- (or alternately, he’s like, Zimmboni? Why do you know so many bakers, your gf, this eric bittle? and then, in the back of his head, he’s all, oh. maybe its just one person?” The seed has been planted.)
- (Basically, I want Tater to figure it out and be super supportive. But, I digress.)
- Jack, meanwhile cannot keep the largest, most genuine grin off of his face because this is so adorable, Bitty has a FAN. *Heart eyes*
- so then he’s all, yeah, I know Bittle. I talked to him last week. (*sweats* don’t be too obvious jack. It was really 20 minutes ago.)
- So Jack takes the rolling pin and the person just keeps thanking him profusely and is so gracious that Jack asks if they’re on twitter.
- Imagine twitter-inept Jack Zimmermann painstakingly taking down their twitter info so he can give it to Bitty, because he knows that Bitty will want it.
- or BETTER YET, Bitty (and the rest of SMH) will be at the game and Jack tells a manager or whoever to put this really cool person on the guest list for after the game because, damn it, Bitty needs to be appreciated, but Jack wants to see it!
- Also, this is grade A chirp material, and Jack Zimmermann is a lot of things, but willing to pass up an opportunity to chirp his bf is not one of them.
- Jack hands the rolling pin back to the fan and tells them to hang around after the game, he has an idea.
- And that’s the story of how Eric Bittle met his number 1 fan. (But not in a creepy, stalky kind of way. Homie is chill when not fangirl/boying everywhere.)
- And Bitty signs his first rolling pin, which eventually becomes a thing when he becomes famous for his vlog/cooking show.
- Everyone from Taylor Swift to Obama covet an Eric Bittle Rolling Pin.
- Bitty almost dies when he gets a message from Beyoncé.
- She really wants one of those pins (and maybe a lemon pie to go with her lemonade).
- Bitty invites her on the show.
- It’s the highest viewed hour special of the year.
what i do is not up to you 