I adore tony being one of peter’s emergency contacts at school but what I love even better is the school staffs reaction to may putting him as one
I mean they would just be like “i’m sorry you wanna put who as what now?!?!”
Tony’s sitting in his lab working on fixing DUM-E’s claw, because somehow, the bot managed to break off one of it’s digits while Tony wasn’t looking. He didn’t even asked FRIDAY how it happened, just told her that if DUM-E tried to do whatever it was again, to let him know.
There’s a sudden vibrating next to him, and he spares a glance to see that it’s his phone with a new text message. He sets down his current tool and checks his phone to see if it’s Peter or Pepper, because if not then it can wait.
It’s not either of them.
But this person certainly can NOT wait.
He quickly opens the text.
Aunt Hottie: Hey, can you do me a favor?
Me: Of course, is everything okay?
Aunt Hottie: Yes, everything’s fine.
Aunt Hottie: Do you remember how we agreed to have you down as Peter’s second emergency contact at the school?
Me: Yes
Aunt Hottie: Well, there’s a problem.
Me: Whose ass do I need to kick
Aunt Hottie: Tony.
Me: Sorry, what’s the problem
Aunt Hottie: The school doesn’t believe that Peter actually knows you, they even gave Peter detention because they thought he was trying to “take his internship lie too far”. I didn’t even know that nobody believed him.
Aunt Hottie: And when I went down there to try and straighten it out, they didn’t believe me either, and told me to stop encouraging Peter.
Tony felt white hot anger flash through his veins. Not only were these people punishing Peter for telling the truth, but they were straight up insulting the kid’s aunt.
Oh hell no.
Me:So what you’re saying is everything is not okay and that I do need to kick some ass
Aunt Hottie: I’m asking you to please go to the school tomorrow and correct the problem. It’s the beginning of the school year and Peter is already in trouble. I would go with you but I have to be at work at 6 am.
Me: No problem, I’ll see to it that everything gets sorted out.
Aunt Hottie: Thank you, Tony.
Me: No problemo
—-
The next day Tony walked into the office of Midtown Tech as 11:30 am sharp. He didn’t call ahead for a meeting. He wanted to catch everyone off guard. Off their game.
And that’s exactly what he did.
Walking in the office, he spots a woman behind a desk slash counter looking thing. She’s probably in her late 30′s to early 40′s and gives off a very soccer mom-ish vibe.
“Excuse me Ms-” Tony looks down to the name tag on her desk, “Rhodes? Hi.” He flashes his fake paparazzi smile at the woman, and when she looks up at him its like her brain short circuits, because she’s silent for a good 7 seconds.
Tony counted.
“Um, h-hi, sir, uh, M-Mr. Stark.” She stands, brushing out her skirt then trying (and failing) to discreetly fix her hair, “H-How may I help you?”
“I would like to speak to the principle. I don’t have an appointment. I hope that’s not a problem.”
“Oh! I’m sure it won’t be a problem at all! Just a moment!” And the woman who Tony has already forgotten the name of scurries to the back of the office and disappears into a hallway.
While he waits, Tony stands there looking around at the bland looking office and shudders.
He would drop dead before having to repeat school.
Then a voice from behind him pulls him out of his thoughts, “Mr. Stark?”
Tony whips around to see Peter standing in the doorway, “Hey kiddo, shouldn’t you be in class?”
“Shouldn’t you be at the compound?”
He waves a hand dismissively, “I should be a lot of places. But you,” He points a finger at the teenager, “Should be in class.”
“Actually I was headed to lunch, but Ned saw you through the office windows while we were walking.” At the mention of his best friend, Peter jerked his head to the side, and Tony then notices the kid’s friend outside the office looking like he was going to explode with excitement.
“Right. Well. I’m just here to sort something out, don’t worry about it ki-”
“Mr. Stark?”
Tony then turns to see what must be the school’s principle, “Yes, hello. Principle Morita is it?”
Tony walks forwards and extends a hand to shake the other man’s when he notices Morita looking behind him. But before he can ask, Morita speaks up, “Was this student bothering you? I apologize. He should be at lunch right now and,” Morita pointedly looks at Peter, making him curl in on himself, “not looking for more trouble.”
Tony has to steel himself to hold back the remark he has for this man.
Instead he just says, “Actually, Peter is the reason I’m here.”
At this, Morita stumbles on his words, and finally utters a, “What?”
“Peter, come here please.” Tony reaches out an arm and Peter did as he was told, and when he got into Tony’s reach, Tony pulled him close with his arm around Peter’s shoulders, “Peter’s aunt notified me yesterday that there is a slight problem with you believing that a) he is my intern and b) I am his second emergency contact. She also told me that such problems led to disciplinary action, which I have to say, I’m not exactly happy about. Considering the shortcomings here are on your side.”
Morita sputtered a moment before, “Oh o-of course Mr. Stark. I apologize for the inconvenience, and for you having to make a trip down here just for this.”
“I don’t mind having to make trips for my kid.” Tony narrowed his eyes at the man in front of him.
He looks between Tony and Peter, “Of course. Well I will see to it that the detentions are resolved and will not go on his personal record, and I will make sure you are entered as his contact.”
Tony nodded, “Great, I’m glad that’s settled.” He turned to Peter, “Alright, drama’s over. Go back to lunch with Ted.”
Peter rolled his eyes, “It’s Ned, dad.”
Tony ruffled Peter’s hair and gave him a gentle push towards the door, “Whatever, I’ll see you this weekend. Nat found a new recipe she wants to try with you.”
“Okay, see ya!”
“Bye, squirt.”
The two parted ways and left through their own doors, leaving a confused and dumbfounded Principle Morita standing in the middle of the office.
What the shit just happened?
——
Aunt Hottie: Thank you
Me: It’s no problem, really. Happy to do it
Aunt Hottie: Could have made a little less of a scene
Me: You know that’s not my style
Aunt Hottie: Right, but how are you gonna get out of this one
Aunt Hottie: attachment:
New York Post
HEADLINE- Tony Stark has a son?
please tell me he did all of this in his Iron Man suit.
museum curator, watching steve waltz into the smithsonian, the memory of having the stolen cap america authentic howling commando era uniform returned dirty and ridden with bullet holes still fresh in their mind: hide the VALUABLES
steve, reaching over the rope to poke at something on display: it’s my goddamn stuff???
I’M SAYIN’, every single level of management at the Smithsonian must have had an extensively well-documented migraine after dealing with the colossal shitshow raised by such thrilling items as “sock (woolen)” pulled from the pack of one “Rogers, Steve G., 1918 – 1945 lol whoops he’s back″
like i said in my initial reblog… all the people building stories out of this make me laugh with delight, but smithsonian & dc museum people adding their tags give me LIFE
… also steven grant rogers would be KIND and COURTEOUS to the front-line museum staff and not ask them stupid questions and you will pry that headcanon from my cold dead hands thankyouverymuch
oh steven grant rogers is KIND and POLITE and CONSIDERATE to front-line museum staff, he will politely move himself to the side so he doesn’t cause traffic issues if he gets recognized and a couple kids want pictures, he apologizes to security for causing a scene (he didn’t mean to! he thought his baseball cap disguise would work, bless him). he returns his maps (sweet and so unnecessary but then one of the volunteers can take a map captain america used and will probably sign for them back to their grandkids so that’s nice). the docents LOVE him; he’s both a Nice Young Man and also from Back in Their Day.
the collections and conservation staff however have sworn a blood oath of pure vengeance against him and nothing he ever does will change their minds. the textile conservator (we’ll call her lorraine) who had to restore the old captain america suit spent THREE YEARS OF HER LIFE on that stupid thing and it’s still too unstable to ever exhibit again. lorraine went through FIVE INTERNS, two of whom CRIED ON HER. she had to spend a fourth year making a replica because everyone was writing their representatives that the captain america suit wasn’t on display and they MADE HER DO IT.
like if steve thought any debrief in wwii he ever had sucked lol try lorraine, who has given up trying to catalogue what the fuck happened to that piece of shit suit and finally tracked down his cell phone number after six months of this hell project out of sheer bloody mindness and desperation and tricks him into her office through a series of absolute goddamn lies about idk public programming or some shit that steve might actually care about and then corners him and makes him give her a play by play of what, exactly, the fuck he did to that suit.
cuz, okay, listen. blah blah save the world blah blah, but steven grant rogers* stole a priceless museum artifact, bled on it, set it on fire, dropped it into the potomac, dragged it (WHILE WET) through river mud and god knows how many plants and bugs and microbes, got melting plastic and metal and shrapnel and other people’s body juices and skin and hair embedded in it–the only reason he lives is because he can give the full and accurate account of what the fuck he did to it and answer questions of how the fuck it can be slightly, slightly unfucked. not saved! not made to look like it was! certainly not able to be put on a mannequin and exhibited again! but like she can get some more of the mud and that chunk of charred plastic out maybe. otherwise, lorraine would have murdered that dumb bitch in a fit of justifiable rage, and no amount of charming “sorry ma’am”s would fucking save him.
Realize that this could easily be canon in the MCU.
As in, it could be the actual Saturday Morning TV show that people in MCU watch.
Can you imagine? A whole show written off broad characterizations based on what most of the “normal” people who live and work in the MCU would know about the Avengers.
Its the closet thing to an Avengers sitcom we’ll ever get.
BONUS: Body and mind swapping plots. Evil-Twin AUs. De-aging plots. Sam’s mother doesn’t know he’s an AVENGER plots. I swear they use cheesy fanfiction for idea generators and its GLORIOUS.
EVEN MORE BONUS
Sassy McSassypants as his finest.
oh my god
it’s wonderful
The sarcasm of cap in this episode was just amazing.
steve introducing himself to Groot in the middle of battle and not fucking freaking out bc there is talking tree right next to him,,, and thor not even trying to hurt gamora after he finds out shes the daughter of the fucker who killed his brother but instead sort of comforts her,,,,, sarah rogers and frigga didn’t raise no rude ass boys. both of their sons may be thicc, hot, strong bearded avengers but THEY HAVE THICCER & STRONGER HEARTS
lasf;klaslk;f YEAH (also fuck yeah i’m including both jarvis and friday in on this they’re brother and sister i refuse to give up either)
Supposedly, Justin Hammer released the footage to make sure that the Avengers’ public image was ruined. You know, the usual stuff. See someone in their underwear, cursing, occasionally crying and eating yogurt on the floor at two in the morning.
What Hammer never expected was everyone to be laughing their asses off because Tony Stark doesn’t even mean to be funny, he just stares into his camera like he’s at the office.
Stark cameras are always equipped with a clear image, audio, and the ability to zoom. Since Jarvis and Friday think they’re hilarious, they have full control of the perspectives capture. Jarvis is usually the one who takes care of the serious things, but Friday likes adding zoom and special swivel effects, because she’s the punk kid.
So the public gets compilations of “Tony Stark Wanting to Die But It’s Ten Minutes Long.”
It starts with the first roll of footage. Clint asks if you could eat the beans they put into Beanie Babies.
Tony looks straight into the camera, face entirely dead.
The next instance is when Bucky and Natasha are having a fight, there are knives involved, and one grazes past Tony and creates a hole in his shirt. He just looks over at it, and then looks directly into the camera.
“What the fuck,” he says.
And then, they’re having a meeting about how Steve nearly died, and Steve says it wasn’t that bad, he just leaped from a plane that was in the fucking air, no big deal there, and Tony just blinks, slowly swivels, and looks dead in the camera.
“I want to die.”
“Tony! We’ve talked about you!” Bucky yells. “You can’t say shit like that to the camera, what if whoever is watching thinks you’re serious?!”
“If the footage gets released then millennials are gonna see it, and they relate to me,” Tony says. “The Spidey-kid says it all the time.”
“Shouldn’t you get him help?”
“Nah, he said eating Tide Pods was a joke, and now that’s passed. So I think he’s okay, I talked with his aunt about it.”
The footage then cuts to Clint and Bruce doing some sort of dance game on a motherfucking Wii, who let that into his house, and Clint made Bruce dance to “When I Grow Up” by the Pussycat Dolls, and he just walks away slowly.
“I wish I couldn’t see, I wish I couldn’t see, I wish I couldn’t see.”
The public’s view of Iron Man goes up by fifty percent. It’s awesome.
This is the MCU we deserved
The Steve Rogers ‘goddamn fucking republicans’ compliation
The Natasha Romanoff ‘fuck if I know shrug’ compliation
The Clint Barton ‘omg someone get this guy a guide-adult’ compliation
The Bruce Banner ‘ten times the Hulk almost joined a conversation’ compliation
The Thor ‘obvious delight at being introduced to new Midgardian things’ compilation
me, talking about thor: god of thunder. strongest avenger. feminist icon. honorary lesbian icon. beautiful golden locks. blue eyes to die for. muscles full of love. 11/10 would recommend
me, talking about loki: this is my dumb gay child i love
what i do is not up to you 