okay, but imagine it’s the beginning of Bitty’s senior year, and the new tiny tadpoles can’t help but be a little intimidated by him, despite how nice he is because he’s the captain, and clearly the Haus is his domain, and half the starting line up calls him Mom unironically, and then there’s the Other Thing.
finally one of them plucks up the courage to ask him and is like “um, Bitty? is it true you’re dating Jack Zimmermann?”
and Bitty just lowers his marc by marc jacobs sunglasses with one finger and says firmly, “Absolutely not.” the poor kid is stammering out an apology when Bitty talks over him, saying, “Jack Zimmermann is dating me.”
concept: anakin sitting in the council room bouncing baby luke on his knees as he adamantly denies having children or attachments
And denies the Council permission to induct Luke and Leia Skywalker (no relation) into the crèche.
Leia runs up to him yelling, “Daddy! Look at this picture I drew of you and me and Mommy!”
He praises her artwork and tells her they will put it on the fridge at home, then turns to Mace and says, “I have no idea who this child is.”
all the comments on this post are the best out of any I’ve ever gotten but Anakin looking Mace dead in the eye and saying “I had no idea who this child is” might honestly be the best addition of them all
in an alternate universe, Steve brings Bucky back to the tower for the first time, and the only problem with that is that Bucky passes out before Steve can properly introduce him to the rest of the Avengers. but that’s okay, because when Bucky next wakes up, free of mind control, it’s to the sounds of pandemonium in the kitchen. this is how he learns that there is a Norse god of thunder living there. also, that no one should mess with Nat’s food. (and that Barton messes with Nat’s food, and reinforces the imperative that no one should mess with Nat’s food.) that Dr. Banner eats enough for, like, four people. and, maybe most importantly, that Steve brings plates of food down to his boyfriend.
“wait what,” Bucky says when this comes up within the first day. oh no, he thinks. Steve got a boyfriend and Bucky wasn’t even around to tease him about it?
“that’s wrong,” Clint tells Thor, who was the one who volunteered this information in the first place, “everyone knows zombies can’t eat food.”
“i do miss when Anthony ate with us,” Thor sighs heavily, and Bucky despairs inside. he missed Steve’s first boyfriend and Steve’s first boyfriend’s death? that’s so sad. what kind of a best friend is Bucky now?
it takes him a few days to corner Steve about this. “you got a boyfriend?” Bucky demands, at which Steve blushes and nods. “who?” and that’s how Bucky learns Steve’s boyfriend was Tony Stark, and now Bucky’s missed the demise of Steve’s boyfriend and Howard’s kid and that’s just really, really fucking sad. “is he the reason you keep going to the basement?”
“that’s where his lab is,” Steve says, sounding sad. he’s producing a photo of Tony now. actually, it’s half of Tony’s face, captured in a manic grin while a blurry Steve in pajamas tries to grab the camera in the background. “he’s been away for so long. i miss him.”
damn. that’s really sad. “hey, c’mon,” Bucky tries to comfort, “plenty of other fish in the sea.”
Steve looks horrified at this. “Buck, i’d never!”
oh, no. Howard had a kid and that kid was Steve’s boyfriend and then he died and Steve isn’t even over him yet. Bucky thinks this is the worst possible time he could have been unbrainwashed.
at the end of his first week, he inadvertently suits up with them on a mission, despite Steve’s protests. Bucky pretends he doesn’t see Steve kiss the folded picture of Tony right before they go into the battlefield, like he’s about to help take down this horde of evil robots in his honor. that’s really, really fucking sad, holy shit, how’s Bucky supposed to comfort him through this?
about three fourths of the way through the mission, a man in a metal can joins them. “sorry i’m late!” says its garbled voice. “alarm didn’t go off in time.”
“because we turned it off,” Natasha says exasperatedly as she snaps an evil robot’s neck between her thighs. “can you even walk without the suit right now?”
oh, there’s a man in there? Bucky doesn’t get to ponder it until after they’ve dealt with the evil robot army. then they’re piling back into the quinjet and the metal man’s mask is folding away (fascinating) and Steve is taking him into his arms and kissing him and what? what happened to ‘i’d never!’? and then Steve pulls away and Bucky gets a good look at the man’s face and recognizes it from the crumpled photo Steve tucks into his pocket– “wait i thought you were dead.”
“i don’t understand but i’m offended,” Tony Stark says.
“your boyfriend’s not dead?” Bucky directs to Steve instead.
“Tony’s not dead,” Steve says, aghast. “of course not. why would you say that?”
and that’s how Bucky learns that this whole time, Tony’s been very much alive and just holed up in the lab working on a new arm for him, and that Steve was, in fact, not taking meals down to the lab because he wanted to feel close to his dead boyfriend’s spirit, but because he wanted to eat with his alive boyfriend. “so you just carry his picture around even though he’s not dead?”
“that’s a perfectly normal thing to do,” Steve defends.
“you kissed it like he was dead and you were thinking soon i will join you, my love.”
Steve goes scarlet. Tony preens and goes all, “aw, babe.” then they’re making out and Bucky’s somewhat horrified because he’s been so preoccupied thinking about Steve’s boyfriend being dead that he hasn’t spared a thought about how awful it might be to witness Steve and his living boyfriend’s disgusting love in real life. but hey, Tony’s really not that bad and he makes Steve happy, and Bucky gets a free arm out of it. (with which he punches Clint because it was totally Clint’s fault that he believed Tony was dead to begin with.)
Eleven: “Excuse me, I’m new in town and it gets worse.”
Will: “I have had a very long day. I am very small. And I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.”
Mike: “’Cause you know how you lie to your parents?”
Lucas: “I also don’t want me to be doing what I’m doing.”
Dustin: “They’re like, ‘Does that work?’ I’m like, ‘It didn’t NOT work.’”
Max: “Sometimes, babies will point at me. And I don’t care for that shit at all.”
Steve: “Part of me was like, whatever, you know, you know those days when you’re like this might as well happen? Our life is already so goddamn weird.”
Nancy: ♫ And life is a fucking nightmare ♫
Jonathan: “When I’m walking down the street, no one’s ever like, ‘Hey look at that man.’ I think they’re just like, ‘Whoa, that tall child looks terrible! Get some rest, tall child! You can’t keep burning the candle at both ends!’”
Billy: “Well… you know how I’m filled with rage? I’m so horny and angry all the time and I have no outlet for it. So… eggs.”
(BONUS ADULTS)
Joyce: “I think Emily Dickinson’s a lesbian.”
Hopper: “It is 100% easier not to do things than to do them.”
Bob: “I look like I was just sitting in a room in a chair eating Saltines for like 28 years and then I walked right out here.”
You’re going to go through life thinking that girls don’t like you because you’re a Slytherin. And I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that that won’t be true. It’ll be because you’re an asshole.
okay but jake and amy obvi name their first daughter rachel, after nana – the most influential woman in jake’s life. gina is thrilled and thinks it bodes well for her goddaughter’s future as someone infinitely cooler than either of her parents
rachel gets shortened really quickly (like before they leave the hospital) to rae – both for ease and for the look on their captain’s face when he’s holding her in the armchair and amy casually mentions that rae’ll prolly get hungry soon
there’s def a tear in raymond holt’s eye as he holds his pseudo-namesake in a hospital room, with a sergeant and a detective who are more like his children than his workplace subordinates sitting and watching him. he def pretends it isn’t there. jake pretends his tears aren’t there, either.
kevin shares a knowing look with amy over their respective husbands’ heads. she smiles back, exhausted but endlessly amused by jake’s sentimentality and literally full to the brim with the warmest happiness she’s ever felt
rae grows up just as badass as her aunt gina intended, with a healthy dose of nerdiness and competitiveness, courtesy of both her parents. she’s way ahead of the curve academically, and she loves a good superhero movie
when she’s five, she watches star wars for the first time – in the order they were made over a rainy week of christmas break, with her baby brother eli in a playpen behind the sofa where she’s curled up with her parents
(jake is Shookt bc bail organa looks scarily like a certain father-in-law. amy doesn’t see it)
when she watches the force awakens, she spends a solid five hours bouncing around their house screaming that she’s named after the coolest character on the planet
then amy, ever honest, explains that it isn’t actually exactly the same, and starts to explain that “we call you r-a-e and she’s r-e-y”
the look on rae’s face at the news is so devastated that jake literally rugby tackles amy onto the couch, sticks his head up at his daughter, and says, “mommy was being silly! so silly! your name is r-e-y – just like the most badass character ever!!”
amy elbows him in the side for cursing in front of her offspring
jake then has to watch 10000 youtube videos and learn how to do the three-bun ponytail because newly-renamed rey will only wear her hair in that exact style for the next three months.
this is how amy santiago accidentally names her child after a star wars character
you really gotta be a fool to say tchaikovsky wasn’t gay. the man literally fired cannons in his 1812 overture, do you really think a straight man could achieve that drama? that panache? that power? grow up
what i do is not up to you 