But what about vampire history teachers. Vampires who read something from a text book then proceed to light the book on fire and throw it out the window because “No. that’s not even close to what really happened. Listen up nerds I’m about to teach you what really happened in France during the revolution”
I need this as a series
Vampires sharing the recipe for Greek fire.
Vampires speaking in dead languages.
Vampires being able to translate untranslatable scripts.
Vampires who react to straightwashing historical figures like “Are you kidding me everyone knew that man was queer!”
Vampires from cultures who were once antagonistic towards each other stubbornly maintaining a friendship that’s lasted longer than their civilizations.
Vampires who honour forgotten deities you won’t find in mythology books.
Also, vampires who secretly saved stuff from the Library of Alexandra.
A vampire show that does not revolve all around sex and eternal cursed love.
nerd vampire whose knowledge of current events is terrible but they can always remember everything that’s considered “history” so they have a super-detailed knowledge of everything up to about thirty years ago and then ?????
vampire who couldn’t tell you what caravaggio was known for but duelled with him at least three times and slept with him at least ten. “cara-who OH YOU MEAN MICHAEL yeah he was cool”
vampire who spent 100 years in a convent and is still so bitter that in all that time they never made her mother superior “GODDAMMIT I HAD SENIORITY! I HAD SENIORITY!” “okay so first off janet, that was six hundred years ago, but more importantly, maybe if you didn’t always start those complaints off with blasphemy…”
vampire professor who just sort of showed up at oxford when it was founded and is still there (and nobody’s noticed because he still never actually shows up to his lectures)
vampire politician who lifts all their campaign speeches wholesale from speeches given 200 years ago and just waits for someone to catch them out (nobody ever does they’re prime minister and their approval ratings are through the roof)
WAIT I HAVE MORE
queer vampire who constantly talks about the fashion for straightness and you need to be really careful because if you tell them straight is default they WILL scream at you for five days straight about what a modern concept heterosexuality is
vampire hoarder who has an entire town where they just kept having to buy new houses to keep their stuff in and some of it’s probably worth tens of millions by now but you’ll never find it in among the 1950s kitschy kitten sculptures and boxes of newspaper (the newspaper is a wonderful mix of yesterday’s guardian and daily courants from 1725)
vampire sailor from manderville’s time who just has so many stories and some of them might even be true
vampire bluestocking girl who took to the internet like a fish to water and spends her whole unlife engaging reddit antifeminists about women’s rights because that’s one fight she’s determined to see through. also with the advent of cheap dyes she literally wears blue socks every day and hopes one day someone gets the joke
vampire doctor who just gets SO CONFUSED about the literature because do you know how hard it is to keep up with medicine kevin? when i got my doctorate we thought leeches were good and then they were bad and now they’re good again? i was published in issue one of the lancet kevin that is 387 lancets kevin how the hell am i meant to remember which one’s current kevin why are they saying cannabis is good for pain like this is news??? (but also lives in a state of wonderment every day in hospital because wow look at all this stuff we can do now look at it kevin!)
entire coven of vampires constantly quibbling over manners because they’re all from different periods: “HATS OFF AT TABLE” “SCREW YOU LEONARD ONLY PEASANTS EAT BAREHEADED” “TABITHA THAT HASN’T BEEN GOOD MANNERS SINCE THE 1500S NOBODY HAS LICE ANY MORE” “IT ISN’T ABOUT LICE LEONARD IT’S ABOUT GOOD MANNERS YOU NEED TO HAVE GOOD MANNERS WHEN YOU HAVE PEOPLE OVER FOR DINNER” “I SWEAR TO GOD TABITHA IF YOU MAKE THAT PUN ONE MORE TIME I WILL SHOVE YOUR STUPID HAT DOWN YOUR THROAT”
vampire musicians who might not have been child prodigies but goddammit 500 years of practicing an instrument is bound to get you somewhere (also knowing the composer and being the first person to start playing a song doesn’t hurt either)
my favorite will always be vampires who know fuck-all about the standard major historical events because they were always somewhere else whenever big shit was going down:
“yeah i heard about the hundred years war but i was in northern african at the time so…”
“the roman empire fell??? how did the fucking roman empire fall??? i spend a fucking handful of decades in india and i come back to this???”
“russia needs to stop having revolutions, i can’t keep them all straight…”
“when did france become a democracy?? and america’s now it’s own country??? i’ve spent the last century in a forest in wallachia scaring small children so––wHat dO yOU meAn we’re calling it romania now??? when the fuck did it become romania???”
“WE HAD A WORLD WAR??? WE HAD TWO WORLD WARS???? well obviously ‘world’ is an exaggeration because i heard nothing about it while i was lost in the amazon rainforest for the last fifty years…”
“listen i spent most of the fourteenth century as a pirate in the south china sea so someone’s gonna had to clue me in on all this ‘black plague’ nonsense.”
People complain about Rick Riordan “beating a dead horse” but HE CAN BEAT ALL THE DEAD HORSES HE LIKES.
Rick Riordan has actively added diverse characters in all of his books to represent more kids. Characters in his books include:
a Arab-American Valkyrie (Magnus Chase)
a mute elf who uses sign language (Magnus Chase)
a Hispanic son of Hephaestus (Heroes of Olympus)
a half-Cherokee daughter of Aphrodite (Heroes of Olympus)
a Chinese son of Mars (Heroes of Olympus)
a bisexual God/Teen (Trials of Apollo)
a happy and loving gay couple, Nico and Will (Trials of Apollo)
a male dwarf that loves fashion and design (Magnus Chase)
a black daughter of Hades (Heroes of Olympus)
a genderfluid, transgender warrior of Odin (Magnus Chase)
and that’s just off the top of my head!
When Rick Riordan first revealed Nico, a son of Hades in his best-selling Heroes of Olympus series, as gay people asked him “why?” and he said because he wanted kids to see themselves in his books and that all kids need to be able to see themselves in literature and find reassurance that they’re fine just the way they are.
So unlike some people who beat dead horses and don’t even try to be diverse (*cough*JKROWLING*cough*) at least Riordan is constantly adding more and more young heroes and heroines that are diverse, well-rounded, and important.
THAT’S GREAT AND I WILL BUY EVERY SINGLE ONE OF HIS DEAD HORSE BEATING NOVELS FIGHT ME
ALSO, Rick Riordan is heading up his own imprint now of more mythology books for kids, and he’s not writing the books himself, but finding diverse authors to write books about the mythology of their own cultures. Apparently he was getting tons of letters all, “Do Indian mythology next! Do something about Polynesian myths!” or whatever, and he was like, “Those aren’t my stories to tell, but let me find people who CAN write those books for you, and make those books exist,” and that is fucking awesome in every way, you go Rick Riordan, 4 for you, Rick Riordan.
WHAT A GREAT MAN I AM SO EXCITED HOLY BANANAS
Oh I forgot to add that the (ever forgotten) Egyptian Series had two biracial main characters and a relationship that could arguably be classified as healthy polyamory.
if I remember correctly, the ENTIRE REASON he originally wrote the demigods in the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series to have ADHD and dyslexia was to give his son (who is also ADHD and dyslexic) a hero like him.
It’s usually done so humans are presented as “average”. In my conception, humans are the daredevils. The one thing a human loves more than watching another human do something horribly unsafe is doing something unsafe themselves.
It’s said that the stout and serious dwarves invented the first staircase, but it was a human who came up with the idea of surfing down the staircase on an oaken shield.
Elves have lived in the great Hometree overlooking the Mother River for untold ages. It was a human who first had the idea to jump out of the tree and into the river.
That’s the other thing – dwarves are stout and hardy, but like the stone they came from, once they break, they’re broken. Humans recover impossibly fast by the standards of other races. They’re also the first ones to get up after an explosion or cave-in, with a cheerful “I’m okay!” They can’t take as much as a dwarf, but nobody beats humans at getting back up again and again and again for more punishment.
The Hobbits appreciate Human vigor, their good cheer, and certainly their lusty appetite for food and drink, but the utter glee with which humans will attempt to harm themselves or their fellows in a misguided attempt at “fun” is horrifying. Their rituals and celebration – they let themselves be charged by bulls! – are seen as a testament to human ingenuity, creativity, and utter lack of good sense.
The humans who are most highly regarded by their peers are those who excel at SOMETHING. Dancing, throwing, singing, fighting – humans love watching other humans be excellent at things, even something otherwise pointless and wasteful, like throwing knitting needles into melons.
They are, to a fault, resilient. No Elves would DARE return to a failed settlement. The land is cursed and the dead walk there. Humans will rebuild the same castle over again with the same standing stones.
TL;DR – only humans would invent the X-Games.
Humans are Weird: Fantasy Edition
dwarf: my heart is strong as a mountain
elf: to hear the song of the trees you must cultivate stillness
hobbit: when you get right down to it, there’s no place like home
3. Kara confronting and stopping a robber after losing her powers- 1×07
a gentle reminder that if u like superheroes and The Gays u should check out the posterchildren which has lesbians and polyamory and is generally queer and good and pure
