Writing in a coffee shop. In the study area there’s me, 7 other girls, and 1 dude whose name is probably Chad. Because Chad is the way that he is, he zeroes in on a pretty girl with her laptop out & headphones on and his thought process is like, “She totally wants me to talk at her for 20 minutes.“
So he chats her up, and when he’s about to leave he asks for her number. She politely says no. He’s all, “Then why did you talk to me? What’s your problem?” etc and finally stomps off in a huff like the grown ass man he is. His parting shot: “Well, GOOD LUCK making it as an actor.” (After which I’m assuming he high fived himself and whispered, “Nice one Chad.”)
After he leaves, there’s like 5 seconds of silence before EVERY SINGLE GIRL in the study area just fucking CRACKS UP. It was the purest moment of human connection I have ever experienced. We are laughing our asses off. We are imitating Chad’s whiny pissbaby voice. I ask the pretty girl if that actually just happened. She says yes it did. I say, bullet fuckin’ DODGED babe. She laughs. I am reborn. We are all reborn. I don’t know what Chad was working on in this coffee shop, but there is a 100% chance it was 1. a screenplay, and 2. a remake of The Great Gatsby, but like it’s for millennials and a milquetoast white guy named Brent has a threesome with 2 beautiful hipster girls who both fall in love with him. It’s titled BOATS AGAINST THE CURRENT and it, like Chad’s love life, will never take off.
smug thinkpiece writer: “the internet is about the sound bite, the tweet, tiny fragments of information that only take two or three seconds to consume”
me, thinking back to the 5000-word tumblr post i scrolled past yesterday where two classicists, three high schoolers, and a witch all got in a very pointless argument about hades and persephone or shakespeare or something: uh,
when all the villains escape the asylum, they kidnap this guy and takes him to their base. (the gentleman, couldn’t leave anywhere just starts to take care of the villains as he always have done) when confronted later on by batman he asks them “why take him? he has no value to you.”
High school cliques: the jocks, the theatre kids, the anime fans, the stoners, and the motley crew of weirdos who don’t seem to have any discernible commonality but are all inexplicably drawn to one another and feel a strange sort of kinship, who will all independently experience epiphanies a few years later when they realize they’re LGBTQ.
socrates: Guy In Philosophy Class Needs To Shut The Fuck Up
plato: Man Born With Face You Just Want To Punch
diogenes of sinope: Area Man Expected To Work With These Incompetents
aristotle: Here Are All Of My Opinions
pythagoras: Nation’s Math Teachers Introduce 27 New Trig Functions
epicurus: Grown Adult Actually Expects To Be Happy
cicero: It’s Terrifying To Think That In 1,000 Years, All Of Us Will Be Forgotten Except For Me
seneca the younger: New Robot Capable of Unhealthily Repressing Emotion
epictetus: Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought
marcus aurelius: Annoying, Well-Adjusted Friend Even Fucking Meditating Now
@missweber requested NHL!Bitty dealing with Hockey RPF. This got a little longer than expected, with a side pairing of Jack/philly-cheesesteak
The most annoying thing is that for all of the ‘Jack/Parse’, ‘Jack/Tater’, ‘Jack/Sid’, ‘Jack/fucking-every-player-on-the-east-coast’ fic, there are a whopping SIX ‘Jack/Eric’ fics on Ao3. Six.
On one hand, Eric’s proud they’ve hidden their realtionship so well, on the other, Eric is insulted. But really, with their disappointing portmanteau of ‘Jeric’ or ‘Zittle’, it’s not surprising they’re horribly under-appreciated.
“I just wish my fans were more creative.”
Over Skype, Eric watches Jack plow through a Philly cheesesteak with no small measure of jealousy. He’s lonely, and hungry, and his asshole boyfriend is doing this on purpose.
“You know,” Jack says, talking out of the side of his half-full mouth, “if you let the Schoons call you ‘Bitty’ our name could have been ‘Zimbits’. That’s kinda on you.”
“You’re going to sit there with that fucking sandwich and say my name is the reason people don’t think we’d be a good couple?”
Jack holds up a finger to the camera while taking another bite with an exaggerated moan, Eric flips him off.
“Hey, it is not my fault you’re three hours behind and our cheat days don’t line up.”
“People ship me with Parse, of all people. Four of the fics are just three-ways with Kent.”
Jack hums in agreement and bites at a bit of steak trying to escape the bun. Eric needs to have a word with that boy about speaking with his mouth full.
“I’m telling your mother you’re gross,” Eric warns, picking up his laptop to walk to the kitchen, suddenly ravenous.
“She knows,” Jack chides, brushing off the threat. “But did you read the fic where we’re at the Olympics? At least you were included in the orgy scene, that’s something.”
“Tater is a very generous lover,” Eric snorts with laughter and scrubs a hand over his face. He had read that fic, and blushed all through the part where Tater and Jack’s passionate affair caused an international incident, Eric himself having been relegated to a background pairing halfway through.
“Isn’t he just? It’s weird people don’t pick up on the tension when we play, because I feel like it’s really obvious how much I want to fuck you.”
“Romantic, Zimmermann.”
“I’m too tired for romance, Bits. I miss you.”
“You’re also too full of cow. You done yet?” Eric makes a circle gesture around his mouth. “I’m real tired of this meat grinder situation you’ve got going on.”
“Well normally I’d have a different kind of meat to occupy my time, but since you’re in Washington, and I’m in Philadelphia…” Jack grins sloppily and holds up what appears to be the other half of his sandwich.
“Lord in heaven, I’m not watching you eat that.” Eric laughs, despite his irritation.
“Yes, you are. Because you love me, and this is the only time we’ll get to talk until next Friday.”
Eric perches himself on the counter and watches Jack for moment, suddenly overcome by just how much he wants his gross, disgusting, cheesesteak mutilating, Canadian boyfriend right here.
“I love you, Sweetpea. So much.” Eric whispers, blinking away tears.
Jack stops pretending to fellate the sandwich, brow furrowed with immediate concern. “I love you too, Bits,” Jack says softly, setting aside his dinner. “This really bothers you, doesn’t it? That people don’t see us together.”
“I know it’s stupid, the whole point is that people don’t suspect anything, but, I just…”
“It hurts.” Jack finishes. “You know how hard it was to play along with the guys when they’d bring up ‘Pimms’? My relationship with Kenny was this huge, painful, part of my past and when I was at Samwell trying to piece together my life, the knowledge that there were people obsessed with who I used to be, what I could have been, what I could have had? It was too much. My freshman year, I remember trying to read this one story where Kenny came to Samwell to ‘win me back’ after I got out of rehab.” Jack hesitates like he’s said too much, before, whispering, “I think I threw up.”
Jack composes himself and looks at Eric through the screen. “I get it. I understand why you’d want people on your side. That’s nothing to be ashamed of. I want it, too.”
Eric scrubs at his eyes to stop the tears and gives Jack what must be a very watery smile.
“We’ll just have to turn up the tension when we play next month, eh?” Jack says playfully. “I mean, you’re pretty sexy when you lose.”
It was almost a sweet moment. Almost.
____
A week later Eric is wrapping up in the locker room when he gets a mysterious text from Jack. Turns out it’s a URL link that takes him to a newly posted Jack/Eric fic: a 2000 word college AU written by someone with the username ‘zimbits4ever’.
At first Eric doesn’t get it, but as he reads he realizes it’s not just a story, it’s his story. One he’s heard Jack repeat a dozen times. Graduation day. Their first kiss. And the author’s note at the very end: ‘Ours is the only story that matters.’
Eric totally doesn’t cry in front of his entire team.
a new bill wurtz video? you could make a religion out of this
i am so Bad at studying i look at my notes for like 3 seconds and then i’m like…… there’s a new supergirl episode i haven’t seen…… gotta get on that and completely abandon my notes
