When the audience knows more than the characters do, it’s fun. For instance in Two Cathedrals, when we know who Jed and Dolores grow up to be, and they don’t know yet who they’re gonna grow up to be, it’s more fun for us. – Aaron Sorkin
Also AU where Jack is a guest judge on the show and he knows he’s supposed to be there as the “Eye Candy Sports Star” and isn’t expected to actually know much about baking or about knowing who is the professional or the faker BUT the Falconers (for the first time since Jack was named captain) failed to make the playoffs (so. many. injuries. Jack himself was out for a huge chunk of the season and Tater pulled his hammy and it was– Not his fault. Jack knows that but STILL). The point is Jack had some extra time on his hands and so not only did he watch every episode of Bakers and Fakers to get used to the format, he also read tons of How To Bake books and he was going to start on the youtube channels but he’d run out of time. (Plus Jack prefers books, youtube videos can be a bit too loud for him. Especially with the weird background music some of them put on while things are baking.)
The point is: Jack goes to this taping Way Too Hyped and, honestly, putting a lot of the competitive spirit he reserves for hockey into Judging. Jack is going to get this: he is going to figure out who are the bakers and who are the fakers and… well actually there’s no scoring system per se but he is going to give specific feedback and win this thing anyhow.
Enter Eric Bittle.
Tiny. Blond. Friendly. Stunningly attractive. Freakishly fast at baking. Super nice to one of his fellow contestants who looks like a sweet old grandma. Super condescending and says things like “Oh, honey, that’s precious” to other fellow contestant who Jack thinks is a bit of a prick.
Jack decides right away that he must be a Faker. He is too young not to be. And he keeps cutting corners, not doing the things that Jack had read about and if there is one thing that Jack “knows” is that’s you Don’t Cut Corners in baking. So he is the faker.
He is also the best, but Jack is not to be deterred. Bittle gets through the first round no problem (Douchebag’s cupcakes were basic and dry so he goes and the other contestants seem happy about it.) and it’s onto the second round. For this round, all the contestants have to use maple syrup (in honor of Jack). Jack and the other judges bicker easily among themselves about who left is the Faker and who is the Baker and Jack tries over and over to get them to see that clearly Bittle is a faker. He has to be. There is no way he can use that much maple syrup without it coming out too sweet. He is making rookie mistakes. At one point, he added sirracha to his pie?? It didn’t make sense. He doesn’t make sense. Jack is positive.
Then they get to the tasting and the other two contestants are good and Jack is pretty confident that Marsha is a professional because damn her maple crisp thing is delicious but–
But then he takes a bite of Bittle’s maple crusted pie and he… he sees stars honestly.
“I was wrong,” Jack Zimmerman admits out loud to a studio audience. (Okay, that’s an exaggeration, the day is too long so there is no live audience). “He’s the real deal. He’s a baker for sure.”
The other judges agree. And because they have to give less money to real Bakers and thus always chose who they thing is a real Baker (and because Bittle was handsdown the best), Bittle wins the show.
And then comes the question: “Are you a baker or are you a faker?”
Marsha (as Jack suspected) is a Baker. That’s okay. Janelle is the faker and then Jack was right. They have Bittly announce what he is next. There’s the tense silence. Jack is glaring at him without really meaning to.
“I.” Bittle starts. Jack hasn’t felt so pumped since he was playing against the Flyers and they were tied up with 34 seconds left. “Am. A.”
Jack is holding his breath. He needs a win. He was right about this.
“Faker!”
Bittle laughs. The other judges all exclaim at how amazed they are by this. The host gets Bittle to explain that he is still a college student and he does most of his baking in a frat house (hence the sirracha move). Everyone is amazed.
Jack is livid. He knew it and then stupid Bittle made him change his answer. He should have stuck with his gut, he should have–
“Sorry for fooling you right at the end, darling,” Bittle says as they wrap up, shooting him a smile. “Had to get that 15 grand though.”
“I knew it, though,” Jack mumbles, feeling his face go a bit red. “I did know it.”
“Oh, you had no idea,” Bittle says and though he’s laughing, Jack doesn’t feel mocked. “You can’t know everything about me that quick!”
Bittle is cute and small and compact and Jack feels that rush he feels when he’s been bested but by a team that deserves it.
“How much time?” he blurts. Bittle blinks at him. He flushes harder but continues anyway. “Would it take to know everything?”
“Well, I- I-” Bittle is a bit flustered now too. Jack can see his face getting red. It’s adorable. But, unlike Jack, he manages to collect himself rather quickly. “I think dinner would be as good a place to start as any.”
•When Harry got his Hogwarts letter James immediately ripped it open without even showing it to Harry because he was just so excited for his son. Without even acknowledging Harry’s presence or Lily’s laughter, he just sits cris-crossed on the floor making little comments about Harry’s school supply list.
“What? You don’t have to read {insert book title}. It was the best! Don’t worry Harry, you can borrow my old copy, though it may have some old doodles in it from Sirius-”
•When Harry is really young he thinks that they have a dog because whenever Sirius is over he turns into his Animagus form and he’s over at the Potters’ so much that it’s kinda hard not to think that.
And James, Lily, Remus and Peter go along with it and one dayJames brings home a bright pink glittery dog collar and asks little Harry to put it on ‘Snuffles’. Harry does it and even though Sirius hates it, he keeps it on because he loves Harry so much (Remus like it too, but for *coughs* other reasons).
•When Harry turns eleven and has to go to Diagon Alley, It’s not just James and Lily that take him shopping, it’s the whole damn Marauders squad. They’re just casually walking through the streets and suddenly someone starts clapping for them, and then more people join in and it turns into just the whole street clapping for the Marauders because most of them remember hearing tales about what the group did, and many parents were friends of theirs.
Needlessly to say James and Sirius take a dramatic bow while Remus and Lily are looking at each other like
“These are the people we chose to marry”
And Peter is just laughing along and buying Harry a chocolate frog off of a street witch while Harry asks him why all those people are clapping for them. Peter just chuckles and goes “We had a bit of a reputation at school”
•When Harry goes into Madam Malkin’s and sees Draco, James immediately steps in front of his son as if to protect him.
“What’s wrong, Dad?”
“There’s a Malfoy there… can’t mistake him. I remember his father-”
But then Lily comes over and whispers in his ear
“Remember Sirius’s parents? They were awful people but look how Sirius turned out?” They look out the shop window to see Sirius with his arm around Remus’s shoulders sitting on a bench in conversation with Peter.
“You’re right”
And James himself introduces Harry to Draco, and the two immediately hit it off.
•Just before Harry is about to leave for Hogwarts, the Marauders get together (without Lily, because she’d definitely disapprove) and tell Harry all the stories they can. Harry just sits there in wonder like
‘How will I ever live up to that’
But at the end of the night, James goes and gets a box out of his room and puts it in Harry’s hands.
“This is yours now. Use it well.”
Harry opens the box and it’s the invisibility cloak. Remus then takes the Marauder’s Map out and shows Harry how to use it, then hands it over (“use it responsibly”)
•When Harry comes home for winter break he talks about how great Gryffindor is and his best friends Ron and Hermione, but also about Draco from Slytherin and how he has “the prettiest hair and his eyes sparkle-” and Remus and Sirius just give each other knowing looks.
And he’s about to say something else after talking about his classes but hesitates; everyone asks him about it, but he denies everything.
•He goes back to school after winter break and some time after his second Quidditch match as the youngest seeker in a century, one morning at breakfast he gets a howler.
He knows fully well what it is because he grew up in a house with the Marauders who liked to send them back and forth for fun-
“WILL YOU PASS THE SALT?”
“I CAN’T THROW PETER THAT FAR!”
But anyway, he gets one and looks at his friends and then at Draco across the hall because he’s absolutely terrified an doesn’t know what he did. Eventually (with much convincing) he opens it.
“HARRY JAMES POTTER! HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL ME THAT YOU MADE THE QUIDDITCH TEAM?
YOUR MOTHER AND I ARE SO PROUD OF YOU HOLY SHI-” and then it’s Lily’s voice.
“Harry, sweetie we’re so proud of you! You must’ve gotten some of James’s talent-” (you can hear James going crazy in the background; knocking stuff over and generally screaming like a psychopath) “where James got his, I have no idea”
And then it’s just Remus, Sirius and Peter going crazy (yes, even Moony).
When it finally ends, the great hall just sits stunned for a moment, before Dumbledore starts slow clapping and everyone joins in. All the teachers are just rolling their eyes because they definitely remember the Marauders. About 5 seconds later the Potters’ owl flies in with a new Nimbus 2000 and a note that says ‘Don’t tell your mother’
•Harry bringing Draco home in their 5th year to meet his parents over Christmas break, and when he goes home Harry has to remind his parents and uncles that “No, we aren’t dating! That’s absolutely absurd!” And everyone just looking at each other like ‘yeah, sure kid’
•Harry choosing to be a pro Quidditch player as his profession after admitting to his parents that he snuck out one night with Ron, Hermione and Draco to go try out for Puddlemore United because they had just lost their seeker and he made the team.
And James and Sirius crying with pride because their little Harry is going to be a world famous Quidditch player.
“There won’t be a person alive who doesn’t know his name” James said while ruffling his son’s hair.
•Harry in his 6th year asking Remus when he knew he was gay and coming out to Moony and Padfoot as Bi and both of them going
“Yeah, we know”
And Harry just looking so surprised and then telling them that he and Draco started dating in October and that he wanted to have him for Christmas but didn’t want to tell his dad why, and James (who was under the invisibility cloak)
“Yeah, sure he can come. But no sex after 11 pm.”
And Harry screaming like a girl from surprise and then sputtering like an idiot in response to the sex comment.
•Peter taking Harry to honeydukes before he was allowed to go with his school and Peter just completely spoiling him and buying so much that they can hardly get it home.
They sneak through the house to get to Harry’s room but meet James in the middle, who of course joins them.
They open the door to Harry’s room just to find Remus and Lily sitting on the bed with the most bored expressions on their faces. Harry looks down in shame and drops all the candy on the floor, but Lily just raises an eyebrow and goes
“Well? Aren’t you going to share?” An everyone eating their fill of candy just on Harry’s bed, and Sirius taking all the good stuff and running from the room and everyone chasing him around the house.
•When Harry turns seventeen the Marauder’s teach him to become an Animagus (and get registered). James is incredibly proud when he turns out to have a stag Animagus form as well.
Draco being terrified because he walks into Harry’s room over summer break and there’s a fucking deer casually chilling on his boyfriend’s bed like what
And Ron riding on Harry’s back to make a stupidly grand entrance picking Hermione up from her house in the middle of a muggle neighborhood
•Just the Marauders being alive please and thank you
tim drake’s snapchat is 90% him making bruce wayne do normal middle-class american things and filming the results. popular youtube compilations include the one where they’re at denny’s at two in the morning and tim keeps trying to get bruce to order a moon over my hammy just so he’ll have to say it, the one where they’re at disneyworld and bruce gets increasingly frazzled culminating in him actually physically picking up gaston for reasons no one can entirely recall, and everyone’s favorite series “bruce wayne doesn’t understand walmart”
having thought about it the best part is probably when a pranking fails because bruce has such a bizarre patchwork of knowledge/skills and it does not occur to him to hide most of it. tim puts a ghost pepper in bruce’s food but bruce just eats it like nothing is wrong. the same thing happens with the chocolate-covered crickets. it turns out bruce can lick his own elbow. bruce can lasso a runaway robot lawnmower like it’s a calf at a rodeo. whenever tim expresses shock that bruce knows how to do something he says “i did go to college, tim” as if that explains anything and it becomes a meme. whenever anyone does something fucking absurd it just gets tagged “i did go to college, tim”.
The camera came uncomfortably close to the face of a man ignoring it. He was very good at it. He was reading a book about, of all things, the history of denim. It was not the sort of book that made it easy to ignore cameras, but he remained stoic.
The caption said helpfully: [been doing this for 30 mins]
“Bruce. Bruce. Bruce. We need to go Walmart. Bruce. I need it.”
“Ask Alfred.”
→→→
“It’s a surprise for Alfred.”
“You can’t surprise Alfred.”
“Bruce, please.”
→→→
“It’s not a matter of permission, I’m saying you literally can’t surprise Alfred.”
→→→
[he hates when i say that]
“Bruuuuce.”
“No.”
“This is bullroar.”
Bruce finally set down his book with an expression of the most profound disgust.
→→→
[oh no now we’ll be here all day]
“—either curse or don’t, just commit one way or the other instead of—”
→→→
The camera took its time panning over a black BMW.
“Can I drive?”
“No.”
→→→
[after this he took away my music privileges]
Bruce was driving, looking stoic again. His face lent itself well to stoicism. The radio played, at high volume, “Sandstorm” by Darude.
→→→
“I’ll play something different this time.”
“You had your chance and you blew it on a meme.”
→→→
[SJGJDH;FUKC 😂😂😂]
“I’m boooored.”
“Hi, bored,” Bruce said, eyes still on the road, and Tim groaned loudly. “I don’t give a shit.”
The view shifted and audio clattered as Tim dropped the phone, barking a laugh.
→→→
The phone was wobbly as Tim followed Bruce into the store. “Can I get a trampoline?” he asked, camera pointed to one outside the store.
“We have three trampolines.”
“But I want that one.”
→→→
They were in the chip aisle. “Have you ever had a Dorito? One Dorito? In your whole life?”
“I am a person. I eat food for people.”
→→→
The camera followed a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos into the cart.
“We’re not getting those.”
“We need to get sour cream, too.”
“No.”
“You’ll love it.”
“No.”
→→→
Tim had put the seatbelt of the cart’s seat, intended for toddlers, around a giant plastic jar of orange cheese puffs.
“I thought you were getting something for Alfred.”
“I’m getting groceries while we’re here.”
“None of this is food.”
→→→
[$3 pickles blowing his mind rn]
Bruce was holding a gallon jar of pickles with an expression of incredulity.
“—costs extra to not waste food?”
“It’s Walmart.”
“Even taking into account the economies of scale—”
→→→
[putting his degree to use in the pickle aisle]
“—it just makes no sense even as a loss leader, unless the goal is to drive the competition out of business and hope they don’t go bankrupt in the—”
→→→
[i think he’s buying a pickle company??]
Bruce had every appearance of furiously texting on his phone, or possibly composing emails.
→→→
[lmao he did]
Bruce was now on his phone, looking impassive as ever as he contemplated the giant jar of pickles.
“—the business itself is perfectly sound. Yes. Obviously. Dead serious. Look, if you—”
→→→
Tim put a gallon jug of ranch dressing into the cart.
“Absolutely not.”
→→→
Tim was in the frozen section, his reflection visible in the glass.
“I bet Alfred would love some pizza rolls.”
“Your lies demean us both, Tim.”
→→→
Bruce was standing in the toy aisle, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “I understand the concept of blind boxes perfectly well, thank you.”
“Then why are you acting confused?”
“Why does Thomas the Tank Engine—”
→→→
[🌈🌈🌈]
Bruce was making a face of disgruntled bafflement at a display of baby clothes.
“—disturbed by the amount of aggressive heterosexuality being foisted on these babies.”
“Yeah,” Tim agreed. “What about the gay babies?”
“I can’t tell if you’re joking but I’m unironically concerned.”
→→→
[gotham pride]
The camera panned over a display of hero-themed hats. Most of the Batman hats had sold out, while the Superman display was nearly full. It panned back to Bruce, who was taking a picture with his own phone.
“Who you texting it to?”
“Friend in Metropolis.”
“Metropolis sucks.”
“Yes. Yes it does.”
→→→
[no escape]
The camera peered out slowly from behind a clothing display. Bruce was surrounded by enthusiastic and friendly women. It was impossible to tell what they were talking about.
→→→
[???]
Bruce was holding a dress up against himself. The women around him seemed delighted and were nodding their approval.
→→→
[i’ll strike while he’s distracted]
Tim dropped another two four-movie collections of Shrek on top of the considerable pile he’d already amassed. He panned up to check that Bruce had not caught him before grabbing another.
→→→
[busted]
While Bruce put DVDs back on the shelf, Tim surreptitiously grabbed a Shrek coloring book.
→→→
[he’s gonna get a fish]
Bruce was frowning at the wall of fishtanks in silence. Finally he said, “These fish are very unhealthy.”
→→→
[HE’S BUYING ALL THE FISH]
The man attempting to help Bruce looked baffled. Bruce gestured to the entire display of fish with a nod. The man shook his head. Tim brought his phone close to a betta, blue and red with a tattered and graying tail.
“We’re here to save you,” Tim stage-whispered to it.
→→→
Bruce was now engrossed in conversation with multiple employees.
“—if I bought some tanks — they’re much too small but as a temporary measure — we could transfer them directly and it might be less distressing for the fish.”
“Maybe I could get one of the big dolly carts from the back?” one young man suggested.
→→→
The low camera angle suggested Tim was trying to be surreptitious.
“—for trying to unionize is completely against the law,” Bruce was saying, his voice low. He was helping three other employees transfer fish into large plastic tanks.
“At-will employment,” one woman said.
“We’d have to prove that was why they fired us,” someone clarified. “Otherwise they can say it was for no reason.”
“You’re shitting me.”
→→→
“—fucking with my hours hoping I’ll quit.”
“What? Why?”
“If they fired me, they’d have to pay unemployment.”
“That’s why they won’t let me work full-time.”
“What the fuck.”
→→→
[omg he’s stealing the employees now]
“—in Gotham, but there’s more opportunities outside of manufacturing if you’re willing to move.”
“Wait, so do you mean like for management?”
“No, no, that’s the starting wage for someone working assembly, quality control, that kind of thing. We’re all unionized, none of this at-will bullshit.”
“So if I—”
→→→
The woman from earlier was showing Bruce her phone while the others continued moving fish.
“You painted this?” Bruce asked. She nodded. “That’s fantastic. Are you showing it anywhere? I know a guy with a gallery — actually I know pretty much everyone with an art gallery in Gotham. I think I have a friend who’d really love this, if you don’t mind me making some calls for you.”
→→→
Four more employees had joined the menagerie.
“—almost always hiring in Gotham. People are always moving to cities with fewer evil clowns.” Everyone laughed. Tim snorted. “Employee insurance totally covers acts of supervillainy, though.”
→→→
[trying to crush the revolution]
The employees had not dispersed. In the distance, someone managerial was talking to Bruce. He looked much less amused than Bruce did.
→→→
[THEY CALLED THE COPS]
Tim had switched to the selfie camera, his face pure glee. He turned bodily to show the employees wheeling out tanks of fish out of the store, police lights in the parking lot.
“The manager tried to make Bruce leave but he insisted on paying for his fish and he wouldn’t stop giving people better jobs so the guy said it was corporate espionage and threatened to call the cops and Bruce called his bluff so he did it.”
→→→
[WE’RE BANNED FROM WALMART FOREVER]
Bruce was laughing with the police officers about something. The manager from earlier had been joined by men in suits. None of them looked happy. Some of the employees from earlier were yelling and flipping them off. One man pulled off the shirt of his uniform and started setting it on fire.
→→→
Bruce was on the phone in the parking lot.
“They’re small, most of them are tropical. You can figure out what they are when you get here. How is that racist? I’m not suggesting you already know them, I’m well aware you don’t personally know every single fish—”
→→→
“Either you take these fish or I toss them in the sewer and Killer Croc can eat them. It will be a merciful death compared to what they were getting. It doesn’t matter where I found them.”
→→→
[i’m not allowed near toxic waste]
Tim held the betta from earlier in front of his phone, bringing it dangerously close to Bruce’s face. Bruce had hung up, but seemed to be dialing another number.
“I’m keeping this one,” Tim said.
“Fine.”
“If I drop him in toxic waste do you think he’ll get powers?”
“We’ve already had this discussion.”
→→→
[the pettiest man in gotham]
Bruce was on the phone again, looking out at the empty field beside the Walmart parking lot.
“Yeah, just buy the whole thing. Yeah. Absolutely sure. Green Market’s doing good, we’ll build another one of those. Can we put up a billboard while it’s under construction? A really big billboard.”
→→→
“First of all, if it’s in writing, it’s libel. Second, figures taken directly from their report to shareholders aren’t defamatory. What’s the most they could even sue me for? See, that’s nothing. Bad PR for them, good for us, it’s—”
→→→
Tim had switched to the selfie camera again, and was using a sparkling purple filter that made his eyes look huge. He backed into Bruce so that Bruce’s face would be in the shot. “Bruce, look! You’re a pretty pretty princess!”
Bruce raised an eyebrow as he looked at his face on the screen. “I’m always a pretty princess,” he said seriously.
→→→
[he picked the music this time]
Bruce was driving again. He was listening to 100 Little Curses without any apparent irony. This did not mean there wasn’t any irony.
→→→
[i named him wally]
The Walmart betta was now in a tank that held at least a hundred gallons. His underwater castle was resplendent. His tail had grown in, a shimmering gradient of red and blue. Bruce could be seen in the background through the tank, sitting on the couch and reading a book.
Henry Doorly Zoo, in Omaha, NB, reintroduces 10,500 endangered toads into Puerto Rico habitat
Last week the zoo introduced nearly 11,000 critically endangered toads back into the wild in Puerto Rico.
Each
year, the Henry Doorly Zoo & Aquarium breeds, hatches, nurtures and
reintroduces Puerto Rican crested toads. The zoo is one of 19 American
institutions that make up the breeding program for the species.
The
zoo began participating in the breeding program in 2004. On July 14,
the zoo released about as many tadpoles — 10,500 — as it did in its
first 10 years of the program.
Puerto Rican crested toads are native only to Puerto Rico, and can be seen at the zoo’s nocturnal Kingdoms of the Night exhibit.
