ancient philosophers as onion headlines

socrates: Guy In Philosophy Class Needs To Shut The Fuck Up
plato: Man Born With Face You Just Want To Punch
diogenes of sinope: Area Man Expected To Work With These Incompetents
aristotle: Here Are All Of My Opinions
pythagoras: Nation’s Math Teachers Introduce 27 New Trig Functions
epicurus: Grown Adult Actually Expects To Be Happy
cicero: It’s Terrifying To Think That In 1,000 Years, All Of Us Will Be Forgotten Except For Me
seneca the younger: New Robot Capable of Unhealthily Repressing Emotion
epictetus: Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought
marcus aurelius: Annoying, Well-Adjusted Friend Even Fucking Meditating Now