What went down in Moana

Gramma Tala: imma terrify the s**t out of some little kids
Chief Tui: you’re a very bad example for my daughter
Gramma Tala: ikr
Moana: *is cute and helpless, wanders to the ocean*
Sea turtle: *is cute and helpless, fails to wander to ocean*
Moana: holy s**t birds, don’t eat the turtle
Birds: fine, whatevs
Ocean: thanks for the turtle Moana
Moana: no prob
Ocean: I am the last waterbender from the southern water tribe, and I—
Moana: skip the exposition please
Ocean: ok yeah, anyway you helped the turtle and so you’re definitely worthy of this incredibly important and dangerous magical artifact
Moana: kk cool, imma drop it on the beach
Ocean: no come back you little s**t!
Gramma Tala: ooh, shiny!
Tamatoa: did somebody say shiny?
Gramma Tala: not yet Tamatoa, go away
Chief Tui: hey Moana, wanna hear a song?
Moana: sure, as long as it’s during a montage
Chief Tui: hey Moana, come and see this big stack of rocks that every chief put here
Moana: wait, so every chief we’ve ever had has placed a rock here?
Chief Tui: yeah
Moana: and what happens if a future plot point suggests that not every chief lived on this island?
Chief Tui: ok, go away now
Heihei: *eats an entire f**king rock*
Villagers: yo some serious s**t is happening to everything
Moana: this is definitely related to the one obscure legend my grandmother told me ten years ago
Chief Tui: Moana don’t you f**king dare
Moana: *f**king dares and also wrecks her boat*
Gramma Tala: whatever just happened, blame it on the pig
Ocean: no, defs blame it on Moana
Moana: what are you doing, Gramma Tala?
Gramma Tala: I’m crazy, so go into this cave
Lin-Manuel Miranda: hey Moana, we were voyagers
Moana: thanks Lin-Manuel Miranda!
Lin-Manuel Miranda: no prob!
Moana: hey Gramma Tala, we were voyagers!
Gramma Tala: yeah, no s**t
Moana: hey Dad, we were voyagers!
Chief Tui: f**k you Moana
Moana: so how do you explain that stack of rocks
Chief Tui: I don’t?
Gramma Tala: *conveniently dies*
Moana: welp, bye
Ocean: oh no, not you little s**t again
Moana: f**k you ocean
Ocean: here have a big f**king thunderstorm
Moana: *wrecks her boat, again*
Moana: fish pee in you, all day
Ocean: bacteria s**t in your mouth, all day
Maui: A boat!
Moana: holy s**t who are you?
Maui: I’m glad you asked because I wrote a song about that
Moana: I don’t f**king care
Maui: well, I’m stealing your boat
Moana: does that boat even work? I wrecked it
Maui: idk, bye now
Ocean: *puts Moana on the boat*
Moana: you wanna come on my quest
Maui: no
Moana: please
Maui: ok fine
Kakamora: *attack*
Ocean: *smashes Kakamora boats together*
Moana: that was convenient
Ocean: ikr
Maui: you wanna get my fishhook
Moana: oh hell yes
Maui: here’s a cliff, don’t climb it
Moana: *climbs it, doesn’t die*
Maui: here’s a thousand foot drop to the realm of monsters, don’t jump off it
Moana: *jumps off it, doesn’t die*
Maui: here’s a giant carnivorous plant, don’t jump in its mouth
Moana: *jumps in its mouth, doesn’t die*
Maui: here’s a terrifying sloth monster, don’t antagonize it
Moana: *antagonizes it, doesn’t die*
Tamatoa: HEY GUYS
Moana: do you wanna talk about yourself?
Tamatoa: ok let’s begin with the fact that I’m a fabulous shiny shimmering cinnamon roll
Maui: you’re really not all that great
Tamatoa: m*********er I sparkle with the light of a million stars
Maui: my bragging song is better than yours
Tamatoa: I don’t care because I’m f**kin beautiful
Maui: Tamatoa x Reader fanfiction exists and it’s terrifying
Tamatoa: HOLY S**T WHAT?!
Maui: ok he’s distracted, imma stealin my hook
Tamatoa: WHY WOULD ANYBODY WRITE THAT?!
Moana: ok, we got out of there
Maui: you should have died at least twenty times in there
Moana: ikr
Maui: my hook’s not working btw
Moana: only an act of true love can repair a broken hook
Maui: nope, got it!
Moana: ok nevermind, wrong movie
Maui: so here’s a lava monster, let’s fight it
Te Kā: *throws fire, breaks Maui’s hook*
Moana: only an act of true love can repair—
Maui: forget it, bye now
Gramma Tala: hey Moana, here’s some important advice for you
Moana: thanks, I’m going to fight the lava monster now
Gramma Tala: wait, what? that’s just stupid
Moana: and you shouldn’t be giving me advice on how to stay alive if you can’t even manage that yourself
Gramma Tala: bye now
Moana: *goes to fight Te Kā*
Maui: hey I’m still here
Moana: good ’cause imma die out here
Maui: go find Te Fiti
Moana: Te Fiti isn’t here
Te Kā: YES I AM
Moana: oh hey that’s convenient
Ocean: *moseses*
Moana: *does an epic walk*
Te Kā: *does a frantic monster crawl*
Moana: *keeps walking*
Te Kā: *doesn’t kill Moana for some reason*
Moana: here’s your heart back
*everything is magically fixed*
Maui: hey Te Fiti, sorry for f**king up all the s**t
Te Fiti: I could smite the ever-loving s**t out of you rn
Maui: please don’t
Te Fiti: fine
Moana: imma go home now
Maui: so we’re getting a sequel, right?
Moana: nope, they’re making a second Frozen
ROLL CREDITS