jack and the bilingual bullshit

dontthinkaboutzimbits:

tofumilanesa:

• jack won’t watch a british show without french subtitles because it’s too hard to understand their accents, but he also watches foreign movies with english subtitles even though the french option is right there??? jack????
• unclear on how his own name is pronounced. his parents don’t seem very sure either. he is afraid to ask.
• jack hates english punctuation so much. so much. why is it always cramping his style. 
• shitty can tell when jack’s writing a paper in English because his texts get increasingly capital-F French
• shitty replies with “hello jack       .   when are we going to annie   ‘  s   . lardo says     << i   ‘ m hungry >>    .”
• The Autocorrect Struggle
• autocorrect is also cramping his style
• marty texts to ask about the game schedule the next day and jack, being half asleep, forgets to change his language settings and replies “Devonshire entire la a 17 heiress pour lo dinner”
• marty always replies to these texts with “thanks, jacques, that was helpful”
• he is a jerk.
• jack’s slowly teaching his english autocorrect to speak french; shitty claims that if you yell “hey siri – FUCK NO” when it corrects to the wrong word it’ll learn faster
• autocorrect knows to leave tabarnak alone, because jack is a great teacher.
• speaking of siri – why does she not understand anything jack says ever, any of the time. jack and siri Are Not Friends. they are not bros and jack does not like her.
• absolutely refuses to watch disney movies in english. that is not the language of disney. he’s seen a whole ten minutes of the english version of the lion king; all of the voices were Wrong
• he thinks bilingual puns are so funny!!!! he only gets say them every once in a while but they’re hilarious!!!!!!!
• jack once called ransom, with an actual honest to god phone call, just to tell him a great pun that bitty didn’t react to strongly enough
• (a key part of rans’ impression of jack is the phrase “i just told bitty this one but he didn’t laugh”)
• he takes german for his language credit freshman year (shitty: HAVE YOU NOT DONE ENOUGH) and fails a test on possessives because he never learned how to use apostrophes in english and he can’t figure out how to translate plural possessives. he may be the first person to fail a german test because his english isn’t good enough.
• just?? random gaps everywhere in his english knowledge, honestly. he can write a paper but he doesn’t know what an adverb is. he missed two spelling tests in high school because of a concussion and he still just lets spellcheck tell him how to write “occurred”
• jack knows history vocabulary but he learned a lot of it out of books and he doesn’t actually know how to pronounce any of it in english
• he does presentations with his Absolute Most French Accent just so everyone is really clear that he doesn’t know what he’s doing
• has no idea about science words and won’t discuss it with anyone in english, no thank you
• someone claims that jack once implied that petroleum comes from exploding fish bones; every time they try to ask jack about it he dodges the question and then runs away.

There is no part of this list that I do not like.