I’m just saying
Eric Richard “Bitty” Bittle would absolutely destroy the competition if he ever competed on cutthroat kitchen because he would seem to be this sweet little baker to the other contestants and then it would switch to the personal commentary and he would have this terrifying smile on his face and he would just say “my boyfriend is an NHL star and I have my own restaurant I don’t need the money I am going to win this” and then he just comes out and kills every challenge and is still this sweet little baker boy and everyone is stunned
when bitty wins he just smiles and congratulates the other competitors and he still acts so sweet and innocent and says he’s gonna go donate everything to charity and everyone loves him
alton brown has never been this impressed and scared in his life
Bitty would be great because you would think he’s sweet and adorable and about to get steam rolled into the first round, and then surprise, he is the definition of cutthroat.
“I used to play hockey with my husband back in College, and I kind of miss that feeling of completely crushing your opponents.” (Later on you find out his husband is an NHL player…)
“Tiffany thinks she can get into my head, but bless her heart, she has no clue what she’s doing.”
Also, imagine one of the challenges is them cooking with their families, and everybody is expecting him to bring his NHL husband.
Bitty looks at the camera and starts laughing. “Oh Lord, no, absolutely no. I love Jack and he has gotten a lot better at following instructions, but I came here to win and I’m afraid Jack just doesn’t have what it takes to work in my kitchen. I brought the big guns.”
Bitty introduces Moo-Maw, who looks like a delicate little old lady and is about 80, and everybody is side eyeing him because of his choice, and then the competition start and Moo-Maw fucking throws down.
The two of them are like a hurricane in the kitchen and while they cook they have enough time to gossip/share stories.
“When are you and Jack giving me some great-grandbabies Eric?”
“Moo-Maw please not now.”
“I am not getting any younger you know! I am old and who knows how much time I have left in this world,” she says while smashing nuts with the wooden hammer and making the whole counter rattle. The camera man takes a step back.
Jack gets interviewed and somebody asks what he thinks of that “not having what it takes to cook in his husband’s kitchen comment.”
He just look at the reporter very seriously and replies. “I once helped with thanksgiving dinner and I have never feared for my safety like I did that day. My only job was doing the mash potatoes.”
Ok, first of all look up all the contributions people have added because they are all fucking awesome, and now:
Let’s talk about that season that inevitably comes around where only previous winners compete against each other.
So it’s been maybe 2-3 years and currently, Bitty has his own bakery, is opening a second location and has a series of best selling cook books, (the most popular ones are about cooking on a budget, easy and healthy meals for athletes and 5 steps or less meals for college student).
Last time he was on the show, Bitty was there to promote and challenge himself which he doesn’t need to do anymore, and he didn’t spend a single dollar on sabotages so he got to keep the entire $25,000 which he immediately donated to charity.
So Bitty is basically not going to accept, but the network is being pretty insistent because he is arguably the most popular and recognised competitor that has ever been on the show.
However his agent tells Bitty that if he does this, wins and turns out to be as popular as before, the network is interested in giving him a ‘spin off’ show or something.
In the end is Jack who convinces him to go, so Bitty and all the previous winners are there, but this time people know to watch out for his deceptively harmless ass.
Like in the interview about who people consider their biggest competition, Bitty is always the answer.
Bitty’s answer?
“Myself of course! I have 2 more years of experience, so I really want my performance to surpass expectations.”
Cute smile that makes you go ‘Awww’, until you remember this is the dude all over tumblr with some of the best clap backs and passive aggressive GIFs ever.
I mean, he very nicely just implied nobody was good enough to be considered his competition…
Anyways, Bitty is absolutely destroying everybody and he’s being sabotage left and right, but he remains above all the drama and is classy as fuck about everything.
Then for the episode where a family member comes to the show, he brings his younger cousin. Half the people are like wtf is he thinking and the other remembers not to underestimate this family.
Bitty very regretfully informed that “Moo-Maw was busy with the county fair pie competition, which she has won for the past 17 years, and mama and my aunt entered the jam contests, so I asked my cousins to do a bake off to settle between themselves who was going to help and Daisy won.”
Daisy is even shorter than Bitty, looks cute as a bottom and could absolutely wrestle you into submission and hog tie you if you cross her.
Midway through the challenge Bitty leaves, his surrogate is in labour and if you think he gives a toss about the show when compared to that you have another thing coming.
Daisy presents the dish which she finished by herself despite whatever sabotage they were working on. They win of course.
One of the contestants tries to complain but Daisy just cool as a cucumber asks if they really feel that threatened by a 13 year old and really is hard to argue against that.
Meanwhile Bitty arrives to the hospital with flour in his hair and wearing an apron, at the same time Jack arrives sweaty and dressed with an odd assortment of hockey equipment, since he got the news in the middle of a game and did the same thing as Bitty and just left.
Neither has a single regret about it, because they are just in time to be there for the birth of their twins.
Bitty drops out of the competition (and after checking with the producers, Daisy was regretfully not allowed to compete in his place). The show donates the money Bitty would have won to charities anyway because it’s good publicity and everybody knows he was going to win.
(Bitty does get his spin off show, which I imagine is exactly like this:http://itsybittle.tumblr.com/post/145559768835/tv-show-idea )
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